Happy BIrthdays

Today and tomorrow are two of the special days for my family. Today, three years ago, Monkey Boy was born. Tomorrow, thirty one years ago, B was born.

For an uncle and nephew, these two are two peas in a pod. They are so much alike. Monkey Boy reminds me, as well as his mother, so much of B when he was a baby. Wheels are things of complete fascination. Cars are to be adored.

Monkey Boy is more like his mother in the fact he has had ear problems. His, however, were never ones that were obvious, so he is now delayed in his speech. She on the other hand wore her ear infections like badges. Monkey Boy has been serviced by Early Childhood Intervention, and has shown considerable improvement. He still will lapse into his old habit of just babbling, but there is more and more clear speech evolving. He will be seen by the school district in the fall for more help. I am so glad he is getting help before school.

B struggled through school. I am so upset that he struggled so much. Now that I have more education on the topic, I am sure he was an attention deficit child. Our elementary schools are open concept which means the "classroom area" is just that - one big open room with grades 1 - 5 all literally huddled in small groups surrounded by whatever the teachers can find to eek out their small space - bookshelves, tote keepers, etc. You walk in and the children are huddled on the floor at the teacher’s feet, and she is struggling to keep their attention. Everyone must speak in whispers.

B had real trouble with that set up. It set the stage for his entire school experience. He never learned how to focus on the teacher. He wasn’t interested in what she had to say. There were a lot more interesting things going on in the world.
But he has made it out of school. He only made two semesters in college. That is another sad story for another time. He is successful in life however. He was able to get on with the local telephone company. He has installed phones, repaired phone lines, and now he is a cable splicer. It is a good living with a good, reliable company.

He also amazes me. He can remember things that I cannot. He began with certain comic strips that he loved. That has expanded into song lyrics. He remembers thousands of songs and that is important because he does have his band. They play on weekends around the area and there is a good following for the band.

So instead of worrying about Monkey Boy and his current special education label, if he continues to follow his Uncle B’s lead, he will be successful too.

Happy Birthdays boys!

Catching up

Night before last we had a scare. K called at 11:30, right after I fell into bed. She thought her water had broken. I went over to be with the kids as they went to the ER. I was pretty sure if was a false alarm, and it was. I know she really wished it were real. She is so ready to have that baby - at least partially. That baby will be about 9 pounds, so K is really
miserable!

I have gotten over most of my fears about the future. Now I am a little miffed because a week has come and gone and I have no appointments. I have not heard from them at all.

I called Tuesday and was told that they were "working me into the schedule." Great! The treatment that will gobble up the most time and I am waiting doing nothing.

This is the first time since this whole story began that I haven’t been rushed into a treatment of some type. I don’t handle that well at all. I try to believe that I am not a control freak, but I guess that’s not the case.
Well, lets hope I get a call today or tomorrow to begin Monday.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing

As I was reading some of the booklets I picked up at the radiation oncologist’s office, I was moved by one of them that advised to keep a journal. Well, that’s what a blog is isn’t it? Well, sort of. And I intent to use this one for that purpose. So don’t be surprised by the mood of this entry.

I'm not sure I can do the rest of this treatment. I really don't. Perhaps I should quit reading about radiation therapy. I am really scared. The cautions about the effects are really nagging at me. Plus, I feel that my support system in G is dwindling. I tried to open a dialog last night, but there didn’t seem to be much interest.

I am angry that this treatment is going to take over my life for the next two months. I guess the spoiled brat is coming out - in spades! I was used to having to be available after teaching for 29+ years. But now I am used to having some Mondays free for travel.

I am worried about my eventual reconstruction surgery, and that is one surgery I really want. My surgeon left some tissue so that reconstruction would be easier. That’s great, but the problem is that extra tissue is uncomfortable - especially under my arm. I am so worried that there will be permanent damage to the skin making reconstruction impossible.

I was able to make it through chemo without considerable nausea and so on. From what I was reading, that is possible with radiation. I was able to keep mouth sores away. I have mouth full of crowns that worry me. The booklets said that dentures may not fit properly with radiation. Will my crowns be affected as well?

I just sounds like radiation is far worse than chemo. I just don’t know that I can do all this for another two months. My attitude and will have just gone terribly south. I think the best thing is to stop reading about what may happen. Ignorance may be bliss. I need some bliss.

What a night

Being a person who can never leave well enough alone, I was sitting on the couch perusing a booklet I picked up on radiation therapy. Now this was after I went with K to buy an infant car seat she found on Cr**g’s List. That was a trip. A trip from hell.

I don’t like her going to meet unknown people (in my mind they crazed killers who are looking for a 9 month pregnant woman to kill and take her unborn) to buy these baby items. She called about 7:30 and asked if I was too tired to ride along. I agreed to go. Got me out of doing the dishes!

She was to go to a gated community. We flew by it the first time, and had to turn around. We were chatting and trying to figure out the instructions for the gate. Her first two attempts were wrong, plus she inherited her father’s lack of mechanical or logical abilities.

Just as the gate was beginning to open, we heard a sound from the back seat that sends horror into hearts. Lady Bug was vomiting. She just sat there and up it came - all over the seat and K’s business signs.

My daughter is never prepared for things like this. With two children, you would think she would carry some tissue or paper towels. Nope! Not a thing but a couple of used napkins. So there we were. Lady Bug was covered, the seat was covered, and the box of signs was full. Now my about to burst pregnant daughter was getting sick too.

We got Lady Bug out of her shorts and K found a shirt (?!?!) to put over the seat. And we continued on out pursuit of the car seat.

We got to drive home with the windows open with the steam of Swamplands caressing out skins all the way home. That was the only way K wouldn’t add to the stench of the van.
Of course, I gave Lady Bug chili and a wiener for lunch! Not good coming up several hours later.

Back to the pamphlet. As I was reading, it said that there could be scans! Plural! Oh no!

The (now) dreaded PET scan

Yesterday I just flat ran out of gas! The PET scan was really more of a drain than I ever could imagine. The one I had six months ago wasn’t bad at all, but this one was different. Plus I had Lady Bug from the minute I got home until her dad FINALLY decided to pick her up at 4:45. If he continues this "stuff" there is no way I can keep the new one when she arrives. But that’s another story.

Today we talk about the dreaded PET. Normally, PETs are not done on Wednesday. That put fear in my heart. I knew a change from routine would put a monkey wrench in the works. I was supposed to be there at 8:30. I am accustomed to being there about 9 since the lab is just across from the oncologist. I was concerned about traffic, so I got there 15 minutes early so I wouldn’t make things harder for the tech. I waited in the lobby and went to the door at 8:30. Closed, locked and no lights. Well . . .

I walked back to radiology. The sweet receptionist began calling around for me. About 9, she told me they were there. I went over. The new development was that the lights were on. The door was still locked.

I knocked, knowing all the while Lisa (the tech) could not hear me. Just as I was getting ready to go back to radiology, she came in to open the door.

All the things to get ready were the same, except this time I had to wear a hospital
gown that was made to fit Paris. I should have run right then. Things were about to take a turn south.

Lisa said I could sit on the table while she got one of the therapists from "over there" to come over. When she arrived, she came with the set up I was on when they took the measurements for radiation.

Part of this set up is an arm rest. That consists of two stirrup looking things that are supposed to cradle the upper and lower arm. There was no way that set up was going through that tube, and sure enough it wasn’t.

Then they began repositioning my body on the "bed." I am not a small woman. I could only be considered small if I were an Amazon. To get the apparatus for the breast radiation into the tube, my body was shoved to the edge of the bed. I was afraid I was going to fall off. My left arm was off.

When they tried a "trial fit," my left arm was hitting the other side of the tube and they had to remove the stirrup that held the lower right arm. It was determined that this would work because "this doesn’t take long" (quote from the radiation therapist).

I was freaking out this time because I was crammed into that blasted tube, touching the side and the top, and they left me in the middle for what seemed an eternity before the test.
Last time was not bad. I never freaked out. This time was different. I was about to scream. I asked how long it would take, and got no answer at first. Then Lisa finally told me it would be about 30 minutes.

As it turned out, there was only about a 10 minute period of time where I was mildly frantic. My left arm rested against the side of the tube the whole time, and at this point I can only hope and pray that they don’t call me to tell me that the results are unreadable and I have to come back.
I think my tiredness was due to my emotions. I probably shouldn’t have kept Lady Bug at all, but you know how mothers and grandmothers are. We always put ourselves on the back burner. I know K wouldn’t have wanted that, but at her stage of pregnancy I don’t want her stressing about not being able to get her work done - which she will be, and is, doing.

It’s almost time for Lady Bug to be here. It is supposed to be a short day with her dad picking her up when his appointment in Beaumont is done. Let’s hope he gets her on his WAY home and not after he has been home, etc.

Dashed hopes

Yesterday was a real experience. I had my usual check up with Dr Poison. It was at 10:30 instead of my usual 9 to 9:30 appointment. They all tried their best, but 10:30 was it.

G had decided he wanted to go with me to this appointment, but when the doctor was with us, I was wondering why since he asked no questions nor added anything with the exception of what the results of my tumor marker in the blood work was. Well, ok. He was there.

My hopes and dreams were smashed when we began planning the future of my treatment. I do have to have radiation. I have seven weeks of radiation. Monday through Friday radiation. No weekend trips radiation.

The oncology office was much more confused than usual. The doctor told us to wait. When the nurse came, she said we could leave, but we didn’t have the prescription nor the orders for the radiation.

We ended up waiting back in the waiting room, and finally got everything we needed in addition to an escort to the radiation lab. I wasn’t expecting to go over there then. I thought an appointment would be set up, and then I would go.

We sat in that waiting room for a while. A nurse came to get me, and we went to get checked in. That meant weight (ugh), temp, and blood pressure again within two hours. Oh well.

She left for a few minutes, then came back advising us to go to lunch because Dr Glowing was in a meeting. OK. We would do that.

We headed to the door, but G (with the micro bladder) had to stop at the restroom. While I was waiting, I was snagged by another clerk who wanted to "register" me. We weren’t free yet.
We called K because I was supposed to watch Lady Bug for a while. That wasn’t going to happen, but we met for lunch anyway. During lunch, I filled her in.

We went back to the radiation department to meet with Dr Glowing. That was another 45 minutes. He put his laptop on the exam table and turned to face us. The computer began to beep and gurgle. I could just imagine he was playing a video game!

After a few questions, he gave me a robe and said he would be back to examine me. When he came back, it was mostly the usual exam, but he played connect the dots on my chest. Then he announced the "girls" (I’ll bet if they knew that they would be pissed!) would take me for the measurements and schedule a PET scan for today.

I didn’t know what to expect. After several of what I think were x-rays, I got tattooed and was allowed to get dressed. Then they set the PET. Normally PETS are not done on Wednesday. Humm. That was my first clue.

I’ll continue with today’s fun tomorrow. Lady Bug is here and wants to play a game on this computer since the desk top, Della, is still a little off kilter.

Whoo-hoo

As usual, time has had a way of slipping by without giving me notice of its leaving. I have been a little busier than usual though. I have kept Lady Bug several days when her mom and dad couldn’t work out their schedules. She is a joy to have around!
I also have been sewing for this weekend’s confirmation reunion to celebrate the church’s 150 anniversary in San Antonio. My great grandfather was one of the first marriages in that church and the families were founding members, so this is an important thing for me!

Yesterday was the last of the scheduled chemo. I still believe that I am cured. You know "hope springs eternal in the human breast." I have had that feeling since the mastectomy and the beginning of the chemo, and I still do. There is that nagging feeling that I shouldn’t get too hopeful. I know things can still be lurking. So I have to be ready to face reality.

My close chemo center is still closed. Someone must have really dropped the ball. It must be some kind of insurance thing or some licensing thing. I asked the nurse who is over there yesterday when she was giving me my drugs if they would reopen next week, and she said she didn’t know. She is anxious for it to reopen because she lives, as I do, close. When she gets off in the evening it takes her an hour to get home from the main office - where we have to go - as opposed to 15 minutes from the close center.

I get to go back over the 20+ miles just to get the Neulasta today. It is so tempting to blow it off, but being around people this weekend would be taking a risk. I guess I need to stimulate those little disease fighting white cells! I just hope I don’t get to go back to the main office next week for another red cell shot since I haven’t really responded and am still anemic.


We are heading to the hill country this weekend. It is not that far from San Antonio, and we can leave Simone in the house for a few hours as opposed to sending her to Summer Camp for a few days at the vet’s office. She's so much happier just being alone for a bit!

Besides, we haven’t been up for five weeks. I need to make sure that my patch around the place where the satellite cable comes into the house worked and the mice are gone! Wonderful thing to find the last time. I am just praying they are gone, and I have an electric mouse trap now, but I don’t want them in AT ALL!! Wish me luck.

Have a good weekend, and I’ll catch up with you next week..

What I have done this week

This week has passed very quickly. I can’t believe the time is gone.

It began with a bang - literally. About 7 pm there was a bang, and the lights went out. I could tell it wasn’t just a little outage. It was different. Our local looting and pillage group hasn’t been able to supply a constant stream of electrons into our house forever, but recently it has been worse. We would get little flashes, but then the lights would come back on.

So I called our provider to report the outage. I waited on the line to get an estimated power restore time. They said 11 pm. Being without electricity - hence air conditioning - here in swamp land is cruel and unusual punishment. I couldn’t believe it!

So I headed to the cabinet in the hall bath where all the lights for hurricanes are stored. I finally got them out and began to assemble them. I found them to be completely unsatisfactory. I will be replacing that stash soon. They will never work for several days.

As the time went on, I called back to check on the progress. Now our estimated time of return to civilization is 3 am. Oh we are in deep doo. G had his usual reaction to things of this nature. He had a temper tantrum. What a waste of energy, and all it did was to add more heat to the situation.

He went to bed - complaining all the way. About 1 am I called again. This time our estimate was 6:30 am. I didn’t like the progression of this situation.

About 2am, Simone barked. That in itself is weird. She never barks. But there were voices outside. When I looked at the wall in our pitch black den, there were strobe effects. I rushed to the front window to look out, and there was salvation. There were two trucks in front of our neighbor’s house. Civilization exists.

About 3:30am, the TV sprang to life. Lights blazed and fans ran. We had power. We were saved from certain steaming to death.

In more mundane news, I saw Dr Poison on Tuesday. He was noncommital about what happens after my last chemo. Last night I learned from a friend that was not unusual. When her son had cancer, they experienced the same thing. So the ride will continue for several more weeks before I know what my future holds.

I kept Lady Bug on Tuesday and Wednesday. She was a typical 6 year old, and we had a talk about that. She promised not to put Simone into her crate and close the door again.

I get to finish my treatments at the main poison center. The new office where I have been going is having some type of problem where they can’t get the drugs delivered there. That means a one way trip of 20+ miles rather than 7, but I have been lucky. I only have to make that trek a total of three times, and I got one out of the way yeserday when I got the red blood cell shot.

So what have you been doing?

It's what day???

I don’t know where the time has gone. This week has just flown, and I can’t give evidence of anything that I have done that is worthwhile. The closest is that I finished the robe I was making - as far as I could without the interfacing I needed.

I had my next to last chemo yesterday. That is good, and I realize a little bad. My blood work showed anemia - as usual. But putting the chemo on top of that really has knocked my for a loop. I am tired to the bone and quite out of breath with any exertion. I got the red blood boosting shot yesterday, but it hasn’t had time to work yet.

Today I go for the Neulasta, and that means I have the rest of the day and tomorrow morning to get things done because I will have 5 days in bed/on the couch ahead of me. I’m sure it will cause the arthritis to go into hyper-mode.

I will pick up Lady Bug after the shot. I was supposed to take her with me, but I know they don’t want children in the cancer center. I really love having her around, but it brings back some hard feelings with Son-InLaw who easily abuses me keeping her. That is another post however.

There is nothing unusual happening around here. Next week will not be as clear as I would like because I have to go in on Wednesday for the red blood cell shot. That means lab work on Tuesday after Dr Poison’s visit. So it really is pretty much same, same!

What a busy day

Yesterday was a full day! I am certainly glad it is over too!

It was G's routine colonoscopy appointment. He gets to go every two years. I’m lucky In that my next one is 2011 which is rather funny in light of the good old breast cancer thingy. But that’s another story isn’t it?

I always over prepare for the waiting room. I had my book as well as my cross stitch projects. One isn’t enough, I had to have all three! After loading myself down like a pack mule, we set off for the hospital giving ourselves only thirty minutes to get there.

This is Swampland people. Our "freeways" look like a fire ant bed that has been stirred with a stick at 7:30 in the morning. G’s preferred way of getting to that hospital is to take the "freeway." I have to use that term in quotes because they more resemble parking lots. I just settled into my seat and quietly looked out the window. No sense giving my advice.

We got to the hospital parking lot at the appointed minute. It was 8 am on the dot. Of course we were not in the building. Details. I’m such a stickler for details.

The waiting room nearest the desk was completely full, so we went to the overflow area. Between the swish of the doors opening and the music at 400 decibels, we both were concerned we would never hear his name being called. But we did, and that worked out fine.

We were escorted upstairs to the Ambulatory Care Unit. We found his name was misspelled. Do you know what that means in these days of heath care? Everything had to be redone. Great!
All the paper work was redone, and the appointed hour was approaching. Our gastro guy is usually prompt. Not today. Of course not. I had something to do at 1 pm. I was going to meet K to see her 3D sonogram. Hmmm. It is after 10 when G is supposed to be in la la land, and he is still here, wide awake.

When I got up and turned on the news, all I got about the traffic was that there was some kind of problem up the freeway from where we got on. It caused the traffic from the Netherlands to be backed up taking about 3 times as long to get in. Guess who was in that traffic. Yes none other than Dr Gastro. His medication nurse was even further back in the mess. So the procedure got started LATE.

When G was taken back into the lab, I was shown to the waiting room. Those are interesting places. When I was first up, I thought I would just wait until I got him into surgery, then go have breakfast in the hospital. Well folks, we are getting too close to lunch, so I made the executive decision to dine a la machine.

After piling all my worldly goods into a chair in the corner, away from everyone else, I put my dollar into the drink machine only to realize that is was going to cost me another twenty five cents. Since the dollar wasn’t going to be spit out, I ponied up the quarter. I pushed the button, heard the bottle fall, but it wasn’t to be seen. A nice man even felt all around. No drink.. Nothing for $1.25, Highway robbery. After some thought, I decided to pony up another $1.25. Yes you are correct. Two bottles fell into the opening!

I took my two bottles and settled into one of the chairs, That was when my eyes fell on the woman at the opposite end of the waiting room. She is on her cell phone. When I shift my eyes to the left, there is a sign stating "no cell phone area, " and this woman is sitting there with her cell phone plugged into the wall, chatting away. She continues this behavior for at least 15 minutes straight. She is making business calls. One after another after another.

After a bit, she decides to move from under the tv into a bank of chairs that faces the tv. Without asking anyone, she takes it upon herself to change to channel. She is with the other people in the waiting room! That lasts a few moments until her still plugged in cell phone rings, and she returns to the first seat. When a nice young man asks if she is watching the tv, she responds in good old East Texas "I was fixin’ to!"

By this time, I am working on the new baby’s cross stitch wall hanging, and other people are beginning to filter into the waiting room. My people magnet has now switched on. Where do these people sit? Yep, right around me. Me who should avoid crowds.

After a few minutes, the volunteer calls me to go back to see Dr Gastro. G is fine. He will be sent back to the room, and I should go back there to wait. OK

On the way back to his room, I get to thinking about what he would ask for as far as a beverage. I was right. Coffee. It will take him 30 minutes to drink that coffee. We are getting close to noon. The sonogram is at 1 .

After several anxious moments, harsh words between K and me, driving like a race car driver, I do get G home, throw down lunch, drive like a mad woman again, I arrive at the place for the sonogram. I got a good look at my second granddaughter. She is beautiful. I can’t wait for her to get here, but first she needs to get that head down in position.

Lessons from the funny papers

This morning while the coffee G had made was brewing, I settled onto the couch for my 58 year (at least) Sunday morning ritual of reading the Sunday comics. That has always been the section I head for first thing. It works well for us. G usually doesn’t read them at all. So they are mine - all mine.

I got to thinking about the impact the "funny papers" have had on my life through these years. When I was a small child, I was aware of measuring time. I had years and months down pretty well, but weeks were another thing.

I, like most young children, couldn’t wait for Christmas. Keeping up with the weeks until Christmas was something I couldn’t always grasp. When I was a child, we didn’t attend a "high church" so I knew nothing of an Advent wreath which would have made the wait make more sense, but my dad and I had a kind of advent wreath. It was using the number of "funny papers" until Christmas. Every Sunday I would ask how many more funny papers until Christmas.

I have found inspiration in the pages of these comics. I have found solace. I have found escape. I've found lessons in their frames. They have been important in my life.

Today was no exception, but I didn’t know what was coming. Since my diagnosis of cancer, I have looked upon the disease as though it was just a simple infection. We do the surgery; we do the treatments, and we get over it. Simple as that. No big deal. It’s not like it’s deadly or something. I mean really!

Then today I read one of my favorite strips. One of the characters has been fighting breast cancer for a number of years. She went for a scan, and was told she was fine. Then her physician found that her results had been confused with someone else’s. She is back in chemo and her prognosis doesn’t look good.


That brought me to reality. Although I have great confidence that I will get through this with no lingering problems, there is that chance. It IS cancer, after all. I shouldn’t take my complete recovery for granted. It may not happen. Another lesson to be taken to heart.

I wonder how many more "funny papers" are in my future? I wish there were an answer this time.

Brag, brag

I was full of myself yesterday. I thought the additional steroid pills had done the trick and I was not going to be completely laid up again. Um - no. That wasn’t the way it was.

The pain did stay away for about 12 hours, but last night it hit - suddenly. All through the day I felt good. No muscle or joint aches. We even went out to dinner. All systems were go.

About 9:30pm I was sitting on the couch when it hit. First the knees, then the hips. I took a very hot bath, but it didn’t really help. I took the pain pills, but when your hips hurt, sleeping is difficult.

By 11am this morning, I was really in pain again. I took two of the little jewels and that knocked me out for a while.

To top off the morning, I decided yesterday that I would try Simone on her thyroid pills again. She is losing even more hair on her back, and the vet thought she had a thyroid deficiency. So she is getting rather bald on her back. What a pair of hairless wonders we are making!

I gave her the third pill this morning. It had the effect they have had before. It seems as soon as she has had three pills, she gets sick. She began her "licking." She was nauseated. I gave her an anti-nausea pill, but I was too late. She headed for the office, and you guessed it. I cleaned that up and treated her again.

So today what we had around here was a sleepy woman, a sleepy dog and a rainy day.

She is finally better and so am I. Two more treatments for me, who knows for Simone. Poor G. All he can do it sit on the sidelines, observe and wonder.

Tidbits

It has been a long time since I have been here! A little catching up is in order.

The trip to the SSB was a good one. Leaving on Thursday gave me time to bake the cookies for the community club dinner on Friday so they wouldn’t be little crumbs after the 5 ½ hour trip. I was able to cut all the vegetables for the hamburgers and hot dogs on Friday also.
G and out neighbor E went to Kerrville to pick up the new "toy" - a utility vehicle that I believe will become my magic chariot to traverse the property since walking is certainly not something I can easily do up there.

The dinner was well received on Friday night. The crowd was fairly large, and we did have enough food. I think that was partially due to the fact that the under 15 crowd was sparse.

For some reason I was very fatigued. Saturday I had promised I would go over to P and M’s to teach her to knit. Her broken ankle is keeping her pretty close to home since it is her right. That means she cannot drive for another 3 weeks at least. Of course, she has no car since her’s was totalled.

My fatigue has continued. I am supposed to go get my Neulasta shot today. I checked with the nurse about the time, and she said I could come whenever since it was only one shot. I am going to wait untl about 11am as opposed to 9am to rest a little more.

I am just getting over the skin rash from the chemo on the 9th. I guess I’ll start all over on Sunday if things hold to the way it was then. The muscle and joint pains started mildly 3 hours after chemo yesterday.

Hope all is well for you.

TMI - way too much!

Yes, my quasi Victorian mind set thinks this is too much information, but here I go anyway.

Yesterday I was alarmed to find blood in my stool. I went to the file to read the information about the drug I am getting this go on chemo. It said that even though this is not an emergency, I should contact my doctor within 24 hours because it is a situation that needs medical attention.

I sat on the couch for a few minutes. I was thinking I could just forget about this little development. I didn’t want it to mean that we couldn’t travel this weekend. But then I could see us getting 5 ½ hours away, and me getting in a really serious situation. So I bit the bullet and called

Of course, the office was closed. Now I know their schedule. I KNOW people were still in the office. In fact, I was sure Dr Poison was still in the office. He runs so late. But I got the answering service.

The operator I was speaking to was rather distant as I explained my situation. In fact, I was beginning to think I was a fool for calling. By the time she began to speak, I was becoming a basket case. She said she would have the on call physician call. I was about to cry, and I was really becooming scared.

A few minutes later I got the call. I think it was the doctor the surgeon wanted me to see. I really wish I could have gotten in with her. She was so positive and bubbly. She said a lot of her patients have problems with this "easier" regime. Her first question was if I had been constipated. Well, as a matter of fact, the pain killers put my intestines to sleep. So yes, I had been. In fact, I still had pains in my stomach. BUt I still wasn't assured because here it was three days later.

"That’s probably it" she responded. She suggested stool softeners, and advised if it got worse, I would have to go to the hospital.

I am happy to report that all systems appear to be in normal working condition! Aren’t you glad you read this. I should be so ashamed! This is not a normal report on a condition. I am turning into my mother as surely as I sit here.

The best laid plans . . .

Every single plan I had for yesterday simply evaporated. I can’t believe how much a day can change in 10 seconds!

I had my early appointment with the oncologist which I was dreading so much. Not because I was expecting something horrible from that appointment, but because I was so sleepy that I didn’t want to leave the house.

I don’t know what is causing me to not be sleepy at bed time, but it is killing me. Both Sunday and Monday nights I couldn’t fall asleep until at least 1 am. Since G gets up at 6:10, I get up also.

I was dragging around here yesterday morning. I finally got myself out the door - 15 minutes late. In my rush, I picked up the list of things to take to the SSB ( we are hosting the dinner at Wide Spot in the Road Club) instead of the handicapped placard (I TOLD you I was sleepy). I was hoping the valet parkers would be there, so I had the extra set if keys to my chariot with me.

Alas, when I arrived, there were no valet parkers yet. I guess they come to work at 9:00. When I checked my bag for the placard, it was not there. The list sat there in the bottom of my bag and gloated at me. I was parked in a handicapped space, and as I looked around, there were no close spaces. My knees preclude much walking, and the chemo drug from the first round still sends my heart pitter patting without much exertion.

Then I remembered! I still have my dad’s placard in my glove box. Just because it expired in 2005 shouldn’t deter me! I turned it over and placed it on the dash. And I was off and just in time for the appointment - nothing to spare for a change.

The oncologist was there when I was taken back, but he made me cool my heels for 45 minutes anyway. As I aired my laundry list of complaints, he wasn’t too concerned. He just prescribed more steroids. This time 5 pills before chemo and 5 after with the hopes that my joints won’t freeze up again. But I can’t believe the amount I am now going to get. I really hoped the chemo would help me lose some weight, but with all those steroids forget it!

After I left the doctor’s office I was going to that little French boutique - Target, but without my placard, I decided not to do that. I went to the computer store instead to have the lap top fixed. I had been without Wi-Fi since Easter. I left Gertrude with them and went into the store for a printer cartridge and a fire wire for the video camera. As I was leaving, they stopped me at the service desk. The "problem" with Gertrude was s simple use of a function key. That’s what turned the radio back on

So I get in my chariot, turned the key, and there was an explosion under the hood. A little smoke rose into the air. My car was dead. Absolutely dead, The first thought was G was right - we are in the market for another car (that being brought on by my having found a bad place in the upholstery). I called him at work because my phone was running on a low battery, and there was no using the car charger because the car was, remember, dead.

I asked him to call our mechanic to send a wrecker because I didn’t know how long my phone would last. He said he was coming instead.

K had been calling me without me answering for about an hour. She finally left a disparate message telling me she thought I must surely be in the hospital. I called her back - again - this time leaving her a message that my car had just exploded. She left work to sit with me.

The explosion was the battery. I don’t know what caused it. The mechanic just called to tell me the car is ready. Finding out what was wrong should be interesting.

After waiting for the wrecker and then taking K to lunch, the day was shot. So I have played catch up today since we are off to the SSB tomorrow.

So I am still itching, the port still hurts, I had to get all the groceries for the dinner today, and I will go to see Lady Bug in a kindergarten program in an hour. Situation normal.

Ouch - part 2

I think I was gleefully expecting to breeze through these next chemo sessions without any problem. It seems that is not going to be the reality. The muscle/joint pains are easing somewhat, and, although I am still not comfortable, I am not reduced to tears. My lower back, hips, knees, and ankles are still hurting quite a lot.

Yesterday I was experiencing a sharp pain around the port. Today there is still some pain which I will certainly bring up to the oncologist on Tuesday. I don't think it is really serious - at least not serious enough to call the doctor on call. I am concerned though.

I reread the information about this drug. Now I know why they gave me benadril through the IV. This one can and has caused some severe allergic reactions. I have very sensitive skin. I am having break outs on my hands, and I think it is due to the chemo.

At least there are only three more. Of course, then I begin on the pills, and I have heard they have their own set of side effects. I get them for five years, but as leeann said, the reverse side of the coin is a different matter.

I'll get through this and stop whining soon.

Ouch!

Last night, we got a lot of rain! I mention this because I'm not sure if it was the change in weather, the new chemo treatment, or the Neulasta, but I am really hurting this morning.

My joint are killing me. This is new. I've not had this kind of reaction before. But there are too many variables right now to figure out what is causing the pain.

Oh well - only three more treatments. I'll make that - easily.

Trade off

I began the new treatment in chemo today. I no longer have to go on the second day for IV fluids and the Neulasta shot. I just have to get the shot. What they DIDN"T tell me was that this new drug takes 3 hours! I left the house at 9:15 this morning and walked in at 3:26 this afternoon.

We'll see that the effects of this drug are. I didn't have trouble with the others, and this one has been promised to be better tolerated.

I was surprised that I got IV Benadril. I think I'll toddle off for a little nappy-poo. See ya!

How sad

Facts are facts. I must face the reality that the relationship that I considered to be my best friend has finally died. I cannot administer life support anymore. I am so sad.

I really thought this person was really my best friend. I have always been there for her. When her mother died, I provided food for her family and those who gathered after the funeral. When Dad died, nothing.

That statement sounds petty. I’m not out to get more from a relationship than I give, but that was just an example of how this "friendship" has been going.

She and I taught together and were practically inseparable. I retired and she went into IT work. We would email, which is really silly. We live four blocks apart. I knew her hours were early and long, so I respected her rest time and didn’t call. I would wait for her to call me.

Now she has been "downsized." There were promises of getting together, etc. She said she would go with me to my chemo and so on. I have not heard from her.

No I lied. I have caller ID. She DID call once - when I was at chemo. Childish as it sounds, I decided to see if she would call again. Nope.

So I have come to the conclusion that this relationship should be declared deceased. It hurts. I am in mourning for it.

What I Did on My Spring Vacation (partially)

Yes, I am still alive and kicking. We returned from our trip Friday afternoon. Saturday was spent simply resting, and yesterday was church and family dinner.

Our trip to Chicago was literally fantastic. We were able to take a very special trip there. We belong to an organization here through which we were able to take private rail cars to Chicago, The man who owns these cars has a motto that is so true. It’s not the destination, it’s the trip.

The cars were a sleeper car and a living room/dining room/observation car. There were compartments in the sleeped that had a suite bath between every two. The shower was full sized with a glass enclosure and full tile. The toilet was also full sized - unlike the "new" sleepers that are on Amtrak The living room/dining room/observation car was so plush. Most of our time was spent in the observation car.

There were ten of us aboard these two cars, and there were three crew members. Two "car attendants" and one chef. The crew treated us like royalty!

We left Houston from the Amtrak station about 11 pm. We were scheduled to leave about 9, but the train from New Orleans was late. Imagine that. We were headed to San Antonio where we would be hooked onto the Texas Eagle. That meant that we would have wait time in San Antonio regardless of when we arrived because the Eagle isn’t scheduled to leave San Antonio until 7 am.

Sleeping wasn’t really an option once we were underway. The track between Houston and San Antonio is so rough. If you aren’t used to the rocking and rolling, forget a sound sleep. Once we got into town it was easier, but I missed my fan!
The trip to Chicago was wonderful. Breakfasts pretty much cooked to order and served in the booths in the observation car. We had lots of scenery to look at and enjoyed lots of conversation - when people were not on the back platform sounding the whistle!

The second night on board sleeping was much easier. Exhaustion took over. More scenery the next day and our arrival in Chicago was only an hour late.

The weather in Chicago was beautiful. When we arrived on Sunday, everyone was out and walking or sunbathing. The traffic on the Magnificent Mile was horrible because of that!

When we were to turn on the street with our hotel, we found it to be blocked by three fire trucks and an ambulance. Fortunately it was not our hotel. A guy in a condo in the next block fell asleep and set his mattress on fire. It added to our excitement however!

What a great break from chemo! Four more to go. I’m over the hump. And I still love Chicago.

Here and there

This week is hectic, but it is the last of the really hectic ones. This is the last of the double drug treatment and no more of the fluids the next day. I still will have chemo every two weeks, but I only have to go for the injection(s) the next day!

Adding to the hectic nature is packing for Chicago on Friday. I keep hoping we will hear something about any limit on luggage. I don’t know which bags to pack
.
I am really random in thinking today! My mind just flits from place to place. I hope this is not indicative of what is to come this week. I have way too much to do. I can’t afford to be flitting from place to place.

I was hoping the new drug I would be on for the next four weeks would be easy. That was until I talked to a woman at chemo today. Her regime is the same as mine, and the .one I will be starting has been hard on her. My mantra will have to be the same.. Everyone reacts differently. These hard ones have been fairly easy
.
Well, see you in about a week and a half.

What do you want?

I can honestly say that I really do love my sister in law. We get along famously. She is quite a dear, but . . . If you are a Dr Phil fan, you would know that he would say that this is my real feeling. I guess it is, even though I would still do anything in the world for her. The but is I'm not sure how much common sense she had. She is in real life Dr Psychologist, so we know the book smarts are definitely there.

The reason I am doubting common sense is that I got an email the other day. They are moving a china cabinet to their house on the next mountains to the SSB. She wants G to help P move it in. OK, not a problemo. Tomorrow would work really well.

They are leaving this morning from the Capital City, with the expectation of arriving about noon. We are leaving Swampland with the expectation of arriving about 5:30. Wide Spot in the Road has its community club meeting this evening at 6:30. It is a covered dish dinner. I have to warm our dish. She wants help when we get there.

Um, we still have to get Simone settled and the house opened. Does M really think we are going to stop by their house, and then get to ours. After a 5+ hour drive? Don't think so. I told G we would stop on the way to WSITR. Knowing my brother in law, he will have the thing moved by 1 and it will be set up with dishes in it by 2!

The long awaited Easter canned post

Spending Easter in the Texas Hill Country at the SSB has proven to be a questionable issue. We have had our house there three and a half years now, and Easter has been quite interesting.

The first year, my niece and her family were here along with my daughter and her family, not to mention my brother in law and sister in law. We like to get together when everyone is here, and that seems to be Christmas and Easter. Christmas is not the problem - ever.

The plan was for us to go over to the in laws for Saturday night dinner, and Easter Sunday would be here. The men folks here were working on the front deck Saturday until early afternoon. We decided to sit down to play a board game. As we were playing, the skies began to get dark. The weather said there were storms heading our way. They got darker and darker, and finally the lightning and thunder began.

About 2 pm, the electricity went out. Being all too citified at that point, and not thinking at all, when son in law decided he really needed a shower. We said to go ahead - no problem. We are on a well. There was enough water in the tank for a shower. Then we were out. We felt quite stupid.

About 5, we headed out to the in laws. It had been raining heavily, and the roads were very muddy (they are not paved - remember). But we were confident because we have 4-wheel drive in the troop carrier. As we were going up the in laws road, we met my niece and her husband who rolled down the window as he forced us off the road and yelled "no 4 wheel drive!" They were heading back to Austin. The in laws also had no water, and their son was little bitty and sick with an ear infection .

My brother in law was having to fix the evening meal on the gas grill because our kitchens are both electric. That was the only choice. The menu was a whole filet and potatoes. The deck he was using faces directly north. The wind was from the north. E had difficulty keeping the grill lit.
The resulting meal was interesting. Some of the potatoes were burned and some were raw. The filet was rather rare, but that is fine with me.

Shortly after dinner, we decided we really better head home. It was dark, and the lights were still out. Lady Bug had never been through a power outage. She was about three at the time. She could not understand why she couldn’t watch movies and we were sitting around in the dark with candles burning. Fortunately, S’s lap top had long lasting battery and we used that for her movies.

Needless to say we went to bed early, only to be awakened at 2am when the lights came back on.

Last year, we had bad weather again. We stood at the patio door on the front of the house to watch the weather happen outside. It was blowing again with a thunder storm. As we were watching, a tornado (small one, thank you God) passed to our left heading toward the other people on the next hill.

That brings us to this year. M and E were here again. We knew there was going to be cold weather and rain. That dashed all hopes for an outside egg hunt. Mid afternoon it was 31 degrees. It began to sleet, then snow. We had an inch accumulation on the back deck. But we went over for an Easter egg hunt and dinner - again.

Getting down out steps was a trick. They were so icy. The roads were muddy, and at one point there was a huge puddle. We made it. Things went better because the electricity stayed on. That was really great.

Next year, we are staying in Swampland!

Hooray!!!

Today's visit to the oncologist was really great! I have one more visit of the really hard chemo, then we switch. My next course is a much less toxic drug, and the really good news is that I don't have to come back the next day for 4 IV bags that include fluids! I only have to take the shot that boosts my white blood cells. What good news.

As far as the canned post, I am going to try to get that one up soon. We had a pretty weird time at the SSB the last time. It's worth recording here.

Where has the time gone?

I don't really know how the time has flown. When we were at the SSB, I wrote a post for Tuesday. The problem was that for some reason, the laptop cannot access WiFi because the "radio" is disabled. It still is. I'm at a loss here. I have transferred the post to a CD and I'll get it onto Della here sometime.

This week has been full of trips to the medicos. I have been really tired. I didn't get any rest at the SSB, and this week has just compounded the fatigue.

I'll be back soon

Today was my bi monthly appointment with the oncologist. Two weeks ago, I made it for 8:30 because when it was 9:45 I didn’t get out of there until almost noon. Well . . . I didn’t get to see him until 9:30. I know there was a wreck on the freeway that brings him to that office, but . . .

It was a good appointment however. He is amazed that I am tolerating the chemo so well. He says that I am an easy patient.

The best news is that, even though there will be another round of four doses of chemo, after I complete this there will be no radiation. We will move straight to the pills. I have a good chance of beating this thing all together.

I reminded him of the Chicago trip, and he was fine with it. That’s good since it is paid for.

We are off the SSB for Easter. It looks like it will be placed in the usual family Easter there. When we were all together there three years ago, there were terrible thunder storms and flooding rains. This year it looks like freezing weather with snow/sleet.

Easter egg hunt anyone?

Have a great Easter or weekend - whichever you celebrate. I’ll be back with you on Tuesday.

Marching to a different drummer

I sometimes think I must be the one who marches to a different drummer. I really do try to keep a positive attitude, but there is always someone who comes along and bashes it all to hell.
Yesterday, I ventured out to the big box store of W*lmrt. That takes quite a bit of courage on my part. I go there knowing that someone will put a crimp into my day. But we are going to Chicago for a week at the end of the month, and I needed clothes for the trip! My last expedition for clothes was last year when we went to D*sneyland for a week. Since I do not know what this chemo will do to my body, I didn’t want to spend a fortune on clothing, even if it is Chicago!

I had completed my shopping and headed for the checkout line. I couldn’t remember how many items I bought, so I didn’t go to the 20 or less line because I hate people who do that. K called my while I was in the longer line, and I was leaning against the closed line beside me, talking to her, while I waited for the three in front of me checked out.

A little old lady about 85 was fitting around behind me, still mulling over the last minute purchases that line the checkout lanes. When I looked up, she asked me if I were in line. No, I just like loitering around at the checkout lines in that store. When I replied that I was in line, she grunted in disgust, and was obviously miffed that I was in line. I guess she thought she should be able to precede me or something.

With that, she took her 25 cartons of jello, 3 bags of hamburger patties, and who know what else, found something else in the merchandise at the lane, and put herself into the 20 or less line.
I was miffed as well as amused. Please deliver me from that kind of attitude! I try to be understanding of those 80+. I have dealt with them, am dealing with them (G’s parents), and if the Lord desires, I’ll be one.

Today, I had the experience of taking one of the cable boxes back to exchange it. I had hoped either K or S would volunteer, but no such luck.

When I got there, there was already a line. There were probably about ten people in front of me, and I almost left. But gasoline is too expensive, and that trip was one that was not to be combined with any other errand, so I was committed to staying.

So my question to myself is why would someone go to this "outlet" if they wanted new service or change their service. It can be done by the telephone. When I got there, one representative was tied up with a couple who wanted to initiate new service, but they couldn’t decide what they wanted. Another representative was tied up with someone who I thought was paying a bill, but I still don’t know what they were doing. They, too, were there for the entire 45 minutes I stood in line.

That left one open for those of us who merely needed to exchange equipment, That was until, alas, another wanted to change service. That brought the entire process to a grinding halt.

The trip that I expected to require 15 minutes tops ended up taking 50 minutes.

I guess I must be the one who is out of step!

Body image

A lot of women struggle with problems with body image. I am definitely one of them. I always have and I always will. I’m not trying to make it seem like I am blaming my parents on my problem, but they did have a great deal to do with it. They always made references to me being fat - even when I wasn't .

I decided early on that I would never do that to my children regardless of their body type. K takes after me, which means she takes after my mother. Funny, huh? Mother was on the heavy side too, but never missed a beat to point out that I was "chubby" at six.. B is my father reincarnate. He is tall and thin. But I never said anything about their body types. K has been able to manage well. B doesn’t have to worry unless it’s about putting on weight (oh how I hate that !!).

If you already have body image issues, just get breast cancer. It does wonders to add to your feelings. First you get to have a mutilating surgery. Dr Surgeon did what will hopefully be good later by leaving extra skin, but right now my right breast is a sunken area with a horrible scar down the middle. It is so horrible. I refuse to be seen by anyone but G without the prosthesis.

Now I get to add being bald to my lack of body image. I am not bald yet, but the hair is going fast. I didn’t think it would bother me, but it is. As I have said, I have been wearing a wig for over a year, but there was still something on my head. I think soon there won’t be anything. It is a blow to the old ego.

When I first began this battle, I thought I would be ready for all these changes, but as they occur I wonder if I really am. But then, as with many other things life throws your way, there is nothing to do but accept it and wait until things get better.

Wee beasties

When I got home from getting the fluids on Thursday, I had an interesting message on the answering machine from my neighbor on the east. She told me she was watching squirrels running in and out of a hole on the south side of my house and birds flying in and out of a hole on the north side. Living in Swampland is so wonderful. Apparently the saying "Mi casa es su casa" is certainly applied to wild life here!

So I remembered a television commercial I had watched. There is a company here who provides quite a number of services from killing bugs in your house to building swimming pools. One of their services is to get rid of invading wildlife. I called them, and they came out Saturday.

It seems like we are not only invaded by the above-mentioned vermin, and yes even birds if they are trying to share my house are vermin, we have "roof rats." They are clever little beasties that get into your attic to live during the night, then leave during the day to forage only to return that evening. Wonderful.

We signed a contract, and they will be here this week to seal up any and all entrance areas into our attic. They will place snap traps - glad our bedroom is downstairs so we won’t be hearing that action. They will also place live traps. The hitch here is that on the contract we are to contact them within 24 hours of finding something in the live trap. Guess what! We will be gone from Friday to Monday. I figure that to be just a tad more than 24 hours.

I wonder what that will do for our contract?

A strange turn of events

I had the second round of chemo yesterday, and went for fluids today. I will never cease to be amazed at how things happen.

Today I met a fellow breast cancer patient. The difference is that she is a young mother, about 30, with two children and is about five months pregnant. She has had fibroid breasts, and for a long time she was told is was only that. At the beginning of the year, she found it was growing.

They tested, and she ended up having a mastectomy because her tumor was 4.5cm. She had twelve involved lymph nodes. When she went to the restroom, her friend explained that she is listed as a Stage 3, but is more likely a Stage 4 because they cannot do a scan due to her pregnancy.

She has a great attitude. But it is so sad. Young women are not being screened as they should. Breast cancer is hitting these women. They have a right to yearly mammograms too.

As for my hair loss, I am one of the millions of lucky women who have experienced hair loss over the years. I really got tired of it, and I got tired of paying over $60 every six weeks to have cuts and highlights. When I would leave, my hairdresser would say that my hair looked so good. What a load of hog wash! I knew better.

So in December of 2005, I made the decision to buy a wig. I found a circular for a place where I could order on line. They had a sale. It was 2 for 1. I ordered two wigs. One was too light, but I still have it. It’s not really comfortable. Perhaps when all this hair is gone it will be better.
The other I wear almost every day. When I went to get my prosthesis, they said that they also sold wigs. I told the fitter that I was already wearing a wig. She was amazed. It is so natural looking.

Since the first purchase, I have ordered a "summer" wig. That is a necessity here is Swamp Land. I also ordered a human hair one, but I need to do a little styling of it. It’s a little too straight and limp.

I am set for the loss of my hair, and in reality because of my hair history it's not really a big deal to me. I even ordered fake eyelashes along with the human hair wig!

Take care of yourselves! I am going to rest.

What's a life worth?

Insurance, whether it be auto or health, is a real pain in the neck (or place of your choosing). A lot of insurance, like auto, you have to have. Homeowners insurance is required by the mortgage company, and you have to be lucky enough to have health insurance, but my statement still stands. It is a pain.

When I got my EOB for the pet scan, my health insurance denied it. They stated that the cost was too much and it was an experimental procedure. I thought I was looking at $4500. Several weeks later, the hospital and insurance company managed to settle on a payment. I wasn't privy to the method of calclation

Yesterday, I got the EOB for the mastectomy. There were probably twelve items listed, and each one was "Hospital incidental." They had various amounts next to them ranging from $27.50 to $18,426.56. The amount the insurance will pay, and this is listed next to each and every one, is $120.75. So that means of a bill of $30,893.45, my insurance company will pay $1,449.

I knew the hospital was out of network, but I also have coverage for that. It is 60/40. Where is that shown. It isn’t. This should be an interesting journey!

Oh - on other news, the hair is beginning to go. I first noticed just a few hairs more than normal. When I ran my fingers through it, there was lots more!

Today was chemo round two - so far so good, even though the CBC showed I am a little anemic,

The vampire

Our weekend was relatively uneventful. Nothing much happened, which is perfectly fine with me.

Today I had to go to the lab for what will be my biweekly CBC. It is in the same building with the oncologist, but today was my first visit. I think the subsequent visits are going to be - "interesting" to say ht least.

When I was called back, it was obvious that the tech wanted to use the right arm. I would have been perfectly content with that had I not been warned to not even allow blood pressure to be measured in the right arm. So I told her that I had to have the left arm used.

The needle didn’t hurt one bit. I thought these would be a breeze. I left and drove to the bank to access the ATM. When I put my hand out to put in my PIN, I looked at the inside of my elbow. The pad was fairly soaked with blood. That has never happened to me before - ever, ever!
I completed the transaction, drove home, and removed the bandage. I have a lump of blood that is about the size of a pencil eraser under the skin.

I have at least 15 more of these!

A poor post

Disclaimer!!!! This is a post full of moaning and groaning with a heavy icing of self doubt. Continue only if you wish to be completely turned off by my weakness!

With the news about Elizabeth Edwards’ reoccurrence of cancer, all the news services are finding other people who have also had reoccurrences of cancer. I know they are trying to show the courage of these people as they are valiantly continuing to fight, but for those of us who are in their first fights, it is not encouraging. They are not making the future look bright.

At this point I am struggling to remember those who have been survivors with no reoccurrence. Those are the folks I would rather hang with! Just last Friday the echo tech told me she was a nineteen year survivor. I am surrounded by these people, and yet I am hanging on the stories of reoccurrences.

I guess I will go back to the recesses of my mind where I have not truly accepted that I have breast cancer. There is still that part of me, you know. I find great comfort in sneaking back there - a lot. It’s much nicer than the truth.

It's been a while!

My life has been delightfully devoid of anything worth recording here. I feel like I have been in a state of suspended animation. That is sheer bliss these days.

Today is my usual appointment with the oncologist, where, I suppose, I will get the results of the echocardiogram I was given last Friday. The reason for the test was "poisoning by antineoplastic chemotheraphy." Sweet.

After the echo, we left to go to the SSB. G wanted to check on the barn before we paid the remaining payment on it. The builder did a good job. There had been heavy rains there since we were up last. The desert can become really beautiful after a rain. We are not really in the desert, but it is certainly a transition area. Anyway, the grass was so green!

I did nothing all weekend. It was bliss. Since the only effect of the chemo was to make me tired, that was a wonderful time. Lots of rest.

We did make a stop in San Antonio on the way home. My 86 year old MIL is going to have her other knee replaced next week. I really think dementia has grabbed her by her left ear lobe! I think she is going to have a lot of problems recovering from this surgery. She is very fragile.

Some bad news came early this morning on the news. I hope it isn’t as bad as it seems. Elizabeth Edwards has an announcement about her health. I certainly ammore sensitive to news about other breast cancer survivors. She has not been a survivor that long. She is certainly in my prayers.

Reality Check?

Nope, not for me. I realize I am happily still floating down that river in Egypt. I am still in full and complete denial which is rather amazing!

Yesterday was the first of the chemo sessions. When I got into the chair, the nurse asked if I had been through chem school. Nope - never heard of it! So I got an abbreviated version.

This came AFTER it was discovered that my port was deep. Thanks Dr Surgeon! No little stick, poke and it’s in. No it’s digging for it!

The first treatment went quite well - especially when I discovered that I don’t have to have a driver. I can take myself. That made me very happy.

Today was fluids day. When I was sitting in the waiting room, another woman was on her phone. She was talking about her impending chemo. She was in for just a check. She said she was due for chemo school on Tuesday, then beginning chemo on Thursday. She said she was relizing that she had breast cancer now.

Funny, after the mastectomy, now the chemo, it still isn’t really sinking in yet. I just feel these are thinks that are having to be done. I’m not looking at the real reason. I wonder if there will ever be a reality check?

Well, Lady Bug is going to be here in a bit. Monkey Boy is having an ENT appointment to check his hearing. His speech is a bit delayed, but with the speech therapy he is getting he is already getting better. The hearing check is not a bad idea however.

Time to put on the prostheses, and kick myself into high gear to get ready to Lady Bug!

Question

There are things we don’t want to admit about ourselves. I know there must be a million that I keep from myself. I never wanted to think I was a control freak, but when I stand back and look at myself, I guess I am!

I did control much of what my children did when they were growing up. I put that off to parenting. I guess some was, but then again I think some wasn’t.

Facing this chemo, I realize that I am a control freak. I want it to go the way I want it to go. I want the schedule to be what we have set. I have my appointments set through the end of the month, and I want them to follow that schedule. But, and thanks Leeann for you comment on the last post, I must realize that there will be changes. This is not my ball game. I don't make the rules.

One aspect of this whole chemo thing is that I have to depend on others to get me to my appointments. I don’t like that at all. I am so independent. When I want to go, I want to go. There is the glimmer of hope that I will be able to drive myself after this first one. The site is close by, so I just hope I will be able to take control of my life again.

How do you hand the reins over to someone else?

A little bit of this and a little bit of that!

What a mixture of events this weekend. It all began on Thursday when I went to Dr Surgeon to have the remaining staples removed. He, like the oncologist, wondered about antibiotics, since the incision was rather red. But he didn't prescribe anything.

That very evening, I ran a fever - 101. I know antibiotics need to be used only when needed, but come on. If the incision is red . . . So I called Dr Surgeon on Friday morning, and they told me to come in - right then! He drained about 3 syringes of fluid from the area. I think my sensitivity to the silicon tubes caused them to clog, and the fluids were trapped. Anyway, I am on antibiotics now.

The problem with that is will they continue with the chemo on Wednesday? With the time change, the oncologist office has not changed their phones from weekend mode yet. I can't reach them. Ah, another drama.

Saturday we went to get my prosthetic breast. Dr Surgeon said that the insurance might not pay for the pro thesis and the reconstruction. I went prepared to pay outright for the pro thesis. They convinced me that insurance would have to pay, so that was the way we went.

I must say, it is a different feeling that going natural, but I feel much more secure. The silk scarf, ace bandage and two socks that I had been using were certainly not as nice as this "fake boob!"

I finally got to get my eyes examined for new glasses. It will be great to be able to see again. My present glasses are two years old because I had a aneurysm in a capillary in my right eye that had to be treated with laser surgery. I waited for a while for my vision to settle down, then I got lazy. I would use the excuses of kids going back to school, so the optical division would be too busy, or they were on vacation and it would be too busy. My glasses will be ready in 7-10 working days.

I had been reading Rana. She had gotten some great glasses via the Internet. I had wanted the progressive sunglasses as well as the regular. I asked the guy how much they would be. He quoted $240. I nearly fell off of my chair. I checked with the Internet place. I ordered a pair for less than $100 on Saturday. They will be shipped in two to four days. What do you want to bet I get the sunglasses before the regular ones!

I have rambled enough for one day. It was just a very busy weekend with so many unrelated things going on. Have a good week!

Will it be fun?

Back in January, I was very cavalier about the status of my health. This was before the lumpectomy that was followed two weeks later by the mastectomy. The thought of chemo was a dim glimmer on the horizon. I was ready for a vacation.

We have the opportunity to take private rail cars to Chicago the end of April. I was ready to do it. We had hoped to take this trip earlier in the year, but it was cancelled. By the way, we are train buffs! We love to ride trains. Anyway, this trip came up. We talked to Dr Surgeon. He said it would be fine.

That was before the schedule for chemo every two weeks fell onto my life. Other than being really scared of the effects of the chemo, I am really afraid of how I will handle this trip.
I love the train and I love Chicago. Absolutely. But we board the train the day after a two day chemo treatment. How sick am I going to be? How tired am I going to be? How much of Chicago can I enjoy?

I booked the hotel room last night. We will be there for four days, and then return by Amtrak.

I so hope I am worrying without reason.

Ashamed

Sometimes, I surprise myself, and am proud of myself. But today the surprise is painfully embarrassing.

Yesterday when I was at the oncologist, an older woman and her husband came in. They signed in, and were greeted (which is unusual in itself but that’s another story) by someone at the desk.

They ascertained this was her first visit to the office. She was laden with a portable file folder and several manilla envelopes. She was asked if she had been mailed the volumes of pages that comprised the questionnaire for the office. She replied she had, then proceeded to search for it.
Naturally several of the envelopes fell to the floor. Her husband was still there with her at this time, and he picked them up. She put things into a hasty order, and they began to go over the form.

She has checked that she had advanced directives. When the clerk asked about them, she began searching through the portable file. The advanced directive was there, and she produced it. She then began looking for the Power of Attorney. It was not there.

As she became more distressed, her husband went to a couch, got a magazine, and sat down. She searched furtively stating that the original must be in the safe at her daughter’s house, but it had been filed at the courthouse.

She was becoming more and more distressed. I was amazed at the calm demeanor of the clerk. She was assuring the lady over and over that the document was not needed, just to ascertain that she did have one. The lady by this time was in complete "finding mode." She was going to find that document. She was going to stay there until that happened.

Smugly, I sat there thinking how glad I was that I had already signed in and was sitting in the waiting room!

My appointment went very long, That was mostly due to the fact that the lovely new hospital I resided in for the mastectomy does not really have their act together. Here we were ten days post op, and the report from that surgery had not been sent to the oncologist. That was the document he wanted - nothing else, and we weren’t going any further until he got it. Thank goodness for fax machines!

After my wait in the exam room of over two hours, guess who was at check out! Yep. Since she was new, they had ordered all sorts of other tests. I think she was going to have a PET done. She was so confused with all that was going on, and I guess loving husband was still on his ass in the waiting room.

I was so tired that I was a little upset that she was going to be checking out for a while. I knew from the checking in procedure. Sure enough, when she was looking over the paperwork, she came to NPO. I know her physician went over all this while she was in the exam room, but she didn’t know what that meant. They explained everything to her again. I signed internally.

Patients are beginning to pile up behind me to check out. I was not understanding - at all.
After we left, I brought this up to G. He put the proper spin on the situation. She probably has brain cancer, she was scared, and she had never had to deal with this type of thing before. We both remarked about how wonderful the staff at the oncology clinic handled the situation.

Now I am ashamed of myself. I need to be more caring about others . Cancer is a scary thing.

It's got a good beat

My dance card is going to be full for at least the next 16 weeks. I went to the oncologist today, and we set the chemotherapy schedule. I will be going every other week for the therapy.

So I went online, as all good computer savvy people are apt to do, to check on what was going to happen to my body. I was expecting the hair loss. OK, no real problemo. I was expecting nausea. Not pleasant, but then I knew chemo was not a walk in the park. Mouth sores. Now that caught my attention. I was really hoping those little devils would not be part of it. The drugs are going into the port, then into the blood. Leave the mouth alone already!

What really caught my eye was the possible kidney and bladder involvement that goes along with one of the drugs. So when I get that one, I get to go back the next day for fluids. What a deal! Two days at once!

Then I read the details of the other drug, It can damage the heart. I tell you, this cancer thing just keeps getting better. Now I know why I get to have an echo of the heart next week also.
But these things will pass. I can pretty much begin marking off the treatments from the calendar and look forward to getting back to my normal boring life. Things will be OK. I will live through it all, and I will be well. I just have some bumps in the road between now and then, but isn’t that what life is all about?

May you all have a good week!

That blasted fear decided to slip into my mind for a while today. Before my visit to the surgeon, I was petrified about having the drainage tubes removed. As for the staples - oh that was over the top!

But alas, I have a great surgeon. The tubes were not really comfortable coming out. He told me I had become sensitive to the silicon and was reacting to them. The alcohol DID sting - a lot! But they are gone. It feels so much better.

The staples were a breeze! No sensation at all. My sarcastic side sneaks up here to say - "yeah - more nerve damage, that's why!" I'm not really sure that is it, but I don't have the same longing/fear for the next appointment when the remaining staples go.

The bad news is that there was more lymph node involvement. I'm not sure if they found a total of two in twenty lymph nodes, or it was two additional ones. I am leaning toward the latter just by the demeanor of the surgeon to my daughter's questions.

That is a topic for the oncologist on Monday.

As well is the insurance company denying the $4500+ pet scan that was done before all this began.

But I am free of tubes. Free!!

I am finding it again - with your help!

Fear is probably the most insidious of the emotions we possess. It lurks in the dark recesses of our minds, growing, waiting. Fear is not alone there, however. It has its good friend, uncertainty, right there with it. Both are waiting for some small crack so they can slip their icy fingers around your heart where they bring the twins along - frustration and doubt.

Fear, doubt and uncertainty have been with me for a while. I let the fear grow. The uncomfortable body allowed it and its friends, escape into the light where they tried to take hold. And they almost succeeded. I was falling down a deep dark hole of despair. My light was dimming. I felt really low, and the self pity was rising. I was beginning to become very frustrated because I not in control. Well, I realize I cannot be in control of things now.

Then Busy Mom asked her readers to come over to give me a boost. I cannot express to you all what your comments meant to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am finding my resolve and bravado again.

And Busy Mom, I am so glad you escaped damage from the storm yesterday. I thought of you immediately when I saw the news. I am so distraught about those who lost their lives and properties in those storms

Later today, I will have half of the staples removed along with the drains (I hope since they have really stopped draining). I will carry your good thoughts with me.