Not normal

Usually the time change wears me out, especially when we "fall back."  My body tells me that it is bedtime early.

That isn't happening this time.  I attribute this unnatural state to my Daughter and SIL.  I am still steamed about Angelica.  I am still steamed that they are planning to bring the other little Boxer girl, Princess, to the SSB.  She is untried around Simone AND Shadow.  I foresee five days of sheer hell.

There is no place to move around.  Someone (somedog ??) is going to have to be isolated.  G will not be happy about that.  If we have to put S and S in our room - he will not like having to be sure they are both cooped up while he makes his million and three trips to the bathroom or whatever.

If Princess is the one - she loves to sneak off and poop and pee.  At least we have solid surface floors everywhere.

It is just the fact that - again with the lies - we were never asked.  SIL would say that he wanted to see Princess with SImone.  He would add he wanted to compare sizes since Princess is a rather smallish Boxer.  Liar, liar, liar!  He wanted to see if they got along.  Why not just SAY THAT?  Gad - that man is pathological, and they wondered why his daughter from a fling lies all the time?  Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Anyway, I am still upset about Angelica.  She is the one who is losing in this.  I tried to get Daughter to let me turn her back to the rescue.  No - she wanted her.  She is "thinking" about adopting her.

In the meantime, I am worried about this whole thing.  I know there is  no good coming from it.  Of course, it may just be Daughter's way of not coming to the SSB.  G is really angry about this.  He does need SIL's help - what there is of it.

Last time we were there, we talked about who we were leaving the place to when we are gone, not that it really matters.  We won't know.  But we know SIL won't take care of it.  He thinks he is a handyman.  He messes up more than he can do.  He had damaged the place already, and we watch him like a hawk.  Son and DIL don't come.  She, like a daughter, is wrapped up in her family.  This is especially true since she and her dad have reconciled.  We thought of just selling the place to our neighbor.

Another gripe session.  Sorry.  I hope to get out of this soon.  It doesn't help that last night I got the update on Previous Pastor. Doesn't look good.  He had surgery, and the tumor was larger than expected.  It was wrapped around some blood vessels.  They took the head of the pancreas, gall bladder, some stomach, and some intestine.  There will be chemo and radiation.

Also a dear friend who lives around the SSB was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  G's aunt who lives up there had ovarian cancer the year before I was diagnosed.  She is still doing well, so there is hope for Pat.  I hope she can get the same type of treatment Flo got.  So my label has gone from the little c to the big c.  That's how I feel right now.

If you are of a mind - please include these folks in your prayers or thoughts.  Wish them well.  They need it.  I guess I do too to get over this funk I am in!

Peace

Guess it's that time of year

Who took the last seven days?  I was just here, and now seven days or so has passed.  Who took them?

I have been a sewing fiend - that part is true.  If I had  not left my camera at the SSB, I could chronicle some of that, but - that camera is sitting on the love seat up there.  So, you just have to take my word for it.

We just this minute returned from Austin where G probated his mother's will.  It was a simple process - taking less than an hour, but it involved driving there, staying overnight and all.

I rode along because SIL has been telling me about an outlet store for the hideously expensive shoes that fit my feet well.  She gets hers there.  So, I was going to use this trip for that.  Guess what!  We were ready to go in at 10:35.  They opened at 11.  There was nothing to do to waste that time, so we hit the road.  

No shoes and a $32 dog boarding fee.  That stinks!

On the trip back, Daughter called.  Our current pastor send them an email that our previous pastor (who confirmed and performed the marriages for both kids, baptized one grandchild and is a good personal friend) has pancreatic cancer.

That is why I am taking the time to post - other than I needed to.  I came home to check my email, and we have one too.  It doesn't sound good.  He is in the hospital now - can't have visitors.  So I don't know how bad this really is.  If you are the praying sort, I know he could use all the prayers offered up.

So - I guess I better unpack and change clothes.  Before I do that - I have to admit these one day trips are killing me.  I don't pack well for them.  In the case of MIL's funeral and this trip - I neglected to pack sleeping togs. This trip - and it is embarrassing -  I forgot underwear.  The old brain is going!  I am used to having most of what I need already in place - like at the SSB.

Oh well, peace be with you.

Checking in

Yipes, this appears to be my 1000th post!  I really had planned to do something a little more special like look back at where I have been.  But then, life has a way of getting in the way.

When I began this, cancer was looming really big.  I had a business selling candles that has morphed into other things - namely children's clothing.  I had one granddaughter, now I am expecting my sixth something...  probably a boy.  That would make us three and three (unless DIL decided to have another which will definitely be the end).

But since we got back from the SSB, I have been running.  It all began with the appointment with Dr Death (oncology) yesterday.  That went well.  My CA27.29 was up to 24.  The nurse said that was no worry.  The cut off is 38.  Well, ok - but right after the mastectomy and chemo it was something like 10.

I have pictures that are still in the camera with the exception of this one.  This is when we stopped to let Simone have a walk before we really hit the road home.  Her first potty break.  This is an example of our dirt roads.  If you look carefully, you can see the dead persimmons off to the right of the road, and there is absolutely no grass beside the road there in the fore ground.  Ranchers are selling their herds of cattle and even goats and sheep in record numbers.  There is no food for them except what can be bought, and that is so expensive.  Hay is something that cannot be found.

.  It is so very dry up there even the cedars (junipers in reality) are dying.  Live oaks and elms are also dying.  The whole area it basically a tinder-box waiting to explode in flames.

I will try to download more of the pictures tomorrow and bring some out of the folders already here to try to show the difference between good times and bad times up there.  

Be back tomorrow!

Peace.

Such sadness

Her political stand was never important. Her fight against breast cancer was. Her death has hit me so hard. She had a relapse at the time I was diagnosed. Her fight was my inspiration. Through her battle she had other battles to contend with - battles that would have brought a lessor woman to her knees. She lived her life with dignity and valor. She will be so missed. Her presence will no longer be the inspiration to us with breast cancer.

Peace be with you Elizabeth Edwards.

A brief follow up

The little girl at the end of the last post, Layla Grace, is being followed world wide. I am amazed. It looks like the end is possibly very near by the last tweets.

I didn't know of her until about a week ago.

If you want more information: www://laylagrace.org.

I just can't imagine the lives of the family, especially now.

Please remember the family in your prayers.

Thanks, K

It's the same stuff

Things around here are the same. Nothing really changes from day to day. All of my complaints are the same as they were last week and the week before.

The only difference is I am in the midst of periodic check-ups with various physicians. Last week was the cardio doc. My blood pressure is up - as is my weight! The lab lost my blood work though! What a bummer.

Tuesday I had an appointment with the radiation oncologist. I need lab work for the oncologist next week (see a pattern here ??) so I decided I would kill two birds with one stone - both requests were used. I'm sure the cardio doc will send me the results when he gets them. I doubt I will have to go in, unless there is a big problem with my liver or something from the cholesterol drugs.

Next week is the appointment I am really waiting for. It is with Dr Poison, my oncologist. I really want to see what the CA25,27 markers read. I friend who had colon cancer several years ago told me that as the time span gets greater for check-ups, the anxiety grows. That is a true statement. I've been waiting for this for quite a while now.

On the 26th I see the plastic surgeon for the pre-op appointment. I am hoping that I WILL have a copy of my labs from the cardio doc. That may save me another draw at the hospital for the surgery on September 8.

Isn't my life exciting. Getting old - what a blast, especially when you add cancer to the mix!

The big day

The big day is almost here. I am scheduled for the lumpectomy on Thursday the 8th.

I had my follow up appointment with the surgeon. Apparently the PET scan was good. He never brought it up, so I guess it was clear. Then we went about scheduling the surgery.

I am going to a brand new hospital, but it is not on my providers list, so I don’t know what this is going to cost me. Since the doctor hates the hospital that we all used to go to, I would rather go to this new one. He and several other docs that started the other hospital are pulling out of that one since it is now owned by a corporation and they built this new one.

I was in his office for more than an hour yesterday while they were making the arrangements with the hospital for the surgery. Then they told me to go for the pre-op at the hospital.

While I was at the registration desk, the PET scan tech came down to explain how I will have the lymph nodes checked. I will cover the entire hospital that day. I begin with the mammography lab where I think they will put some type of device into the tumor. Then I go see her in another place where she will inject a radioactive substance into the tumor and take pictures.

Then I will get to finally have the lumpectomy. That is scheduled for noon. All the while, I will not have had anything since midnight!

The rest of the pre-op included an EKG, which they did twice since the first one said I had ventricular fibulation! Then the wonderful stick for the blood work. Then it was off to x-ray for a chest x-ray.

I tell you what - by the time I have the surgery, I will glow in the dark!

So that's it!

I have had an epiphany. I am embarrassed by the fact that I have cancer.

It has manifested itself in the fact that I am uncomfortable with people going with me to doctor’s appointments. It also is keeping me from allowing my name to be put on the prayer chain.

Why in the world am I embarrassed by this? It absolutely makes no sense at all.

I can write about it here - but then I can tell only what I am comfortable with allowing others to know. I could email my condition to people to whom I feel close. I have trouble talking about it.
I have trouble with the idea of the entire church knowing about it. That makes no real sense.

The whole thing makes no sense. This is nothing to be embarrassed about, but there it is.

For want of PET scan results

I suppose the future will be full of pendulum-like mood swings. Sunday night I was so fearful and nearing depression about this cancer thing. After the oncologist visit yesterday, I am once again hopeful, but that is all contingent on the findings of the PET scan.

The fact that the hospital hasn’t seen fit to share the results of the PET scan is really angering me at this point. I thought the whole idea was that I would have it early on Friday so that the results can be available my Monday afternoon. Well . . . I won't even go there.

The oncologist was very poitive, but then that’s their main business. I mean who wants to go to a physician who is going to poison you and emit to you a persona full of doom. I don’t think they could very well convince too many people to go through four or more rounds of being poisoned, hair loss, possible heart damage, and perhaps leukemia with no hope of being able to pick up with a good life after that.

The oncologist said that even though my tumor is not considered small, it is not large. That could be a problem or not. I love a definitive answer! The next step, which he and the surgeon agreed upon, is surgery. After looking at the tumor, doing a test which includes genetic testing, and looking at the lymph nodes will give us the definitive next step.

At the very best, I would be considered a low risk for metastasis, and that would mean no chemotherapy. I would be placed on hormone therapy for five years. The worst cast would involve two rounds of chemotherapy and the hormone therapy for five years. Intermediate would be one round of chemo, and then the hormone therapy. Radiation would be in each of those.

So now my tennis match of doctors is back with the surgeon. As soon as he gets the PET scan results, we will meet to arrange for the surgery which will be a lumpectomy and studying the sentinel lymph nodes. Then in two weeks the ball and I return to the oncologist.

I feel somewhat like a mushroom who is exposed to a little sunlight!

Disclaimer: This is written from fear and is a real downer

Today is my appointment with the oncologist. I have trued to keep very upbeat and strong. I do not feel upbeat and I certainly don’t feel strong. I am scared to death.

This is it. This is the result of the scan. This tells me where the cancer may have spread. It tells me how and if they will treat it.

I couldn’t get it off my mind last night. I couldn’t sleep. The cloud hanging over my head is suffocating, and I am so very scared. I have told my family I’m fine. I told them I don’t need anyone to go with me to the appointment. In a way, that’s true. I guess I’m a little strange in that I don’t like anyone else hear bad news with me. I don’t know where that comes from. It certainly doesn’t take away the horror of it all.

So at 2:30 I am scheduled to meet with the oncologist. A doctor who I have never met, yet holds my life in his hands. In some aspects this is terrifying yet comforting.

The morning news is running in the background as I write this. They interviewed a young woman - 36. She also has breast cancer in her right breast. When she was talking about it, I had a smug thought when she was talking about the tumor being small. Hers was 3.3 cm and mine is only 2.3 cm. Ha - mine is smaller. My chances are better. Then again who knows.

She just had a mastectomy and reconstruction last week. She begins chemo now. Will I have to do that, or can they just remove the lump and then begin chemo? These questions are beginning to weigh so heavily.
All the strength I have prayed for is leaving me rapidly. I am so scared.

Disclaimer: This is written from fear and is a real downer

Today is my appointment with the oncologist. I have trued to keep very upbeat and strong. I do not feel upbeat and I certainly don’t feel strong. I am scared to death.

This is it. This is the result of the scan. This tells me where the cancer may have spread. It tells me how and if they will treat it.

I couldn’t get it off my mind last night. I couldn’t sleep. The cloud hanging over my head is suffocating, and I am so very scared. I have told my family I’m fine. I told them I don’t need anyone to go with me to the appointment. In a way, that’s true. I guess I’m a little strange in that I don’t like anyone else hear bad news with me. I don’t know where that comes from. It certainly doesn’t take away the horror of it all.

So at 2:30 I am scheduled to meet with the oncologist. A doctor who I have never met, yet holds my life in his hands. In some aspects this is terrifying yet comforting.

The morning news is running in the background as I write this. They interviewed a young woman - 36. She also has breast cancer in her right breast. When she was talking about it, I had a smug thought when she was talking about the tumor being small. Hers was 3.3 cm and mine is only 2.3 cm. Ha - mine is smaller. My chances are better. Then again who knows.

She just had a mastectomy and reconstruction last week. She begins chemo now. Will I have to do that, or can they just remove the lump? These questions are beginning to weigh so heavily.
All the strength I have prayed for is leaving me rapidly. I am so scared.

D day or should I say P day

Today was the PET/CAT scan day. The hospital called my on Wednesday telling me that they had to move my appointment to today because they were calibrating the camera yesterday.
Then the technician began telling me about the procedure. She said I could not really bring a paperback novel because that would cause too much muscle action in my hands and the radioactivity would pool there. That is itself was bad news. I don’t go anywhere without a book. She said I could read magazines, but I can’t think of a magazine on the face of this earth that could hold my attention for an hour.

Then she said some people bring a portable DVD player. Ummmm, I didn’t have one, but I thought that would be a SPLENDID idea. I’ve got DVDs around here that I haven’t seen. So out I went yesterday to capture a portable DVD player. Then, of course, I had to have ear plugs as well as a carrying case.

I rationalized all of this to G by saying that I would probably be in need of something like this as I continue with chemotherapy and the like. Bless his heart, he just nodded and went on knowing that there was nothing that would change my mind. Thirty eight years of marriage does that to a man.

When I got there and finally over to the PET scan unit, I was placed in a lead lined room. Talk about feeling like a pariah! When the technician brought the solution that contained the radioactive elixir, it came in a lead box and the syringe was encased in lead. I was a little nervous about that!

To wrap this up, generally the experience was not a bad one. The worst part is being strapped to the table, not being able to move for about 2 hours. That is my definition of torture in itself, but when the arthritis kicked in, well let’s just say when she said :about 19 more minutes Mrs Grandma," I really wanted to cry.

But it’s over - for now. I know there will be more in my future. At least I hope there will be more. I just hope this one doesn’t show widespread tumors. Hopefully the next ones will not be "full body" because there is not need. We’ll shall see.

I’m off to the oncologist Monday afternoon. Oh, and I am still radioactive, but I don't glow in the dark, darn it!

Waiting game

I feel this whole ordeal is a waiting game. Part of it is my fault. I made the decision to spent the first week post partial diagnosis at the SSB. I wanted G to be able to hunt that week. I made it to the surgeon the next day we were in town, and I had the biopsy exactly one week later. I got the diagnosis on Thursday of that same week.

So here we are almost a month later, and no treatment has begun. The hospital did not call when they should have, then scheduled me three days later. Today they called and I have to wait for another day because they have to calibrate the camera. Why could that have not been done before?

The oncologist appointment was made for Friday, but that has to be postponed until Monday so they have the results of the scan. Between you and me, I don’t think the results will be at the oncologist’s office.

The oncologist my surgeon really wanted me to see is too busy, so I have to see another in that group. I am a little sad about that, but I know the surgeon thinks they are all good, but he really preferred the one. I called his office to keep them up to speed.

Perhaps I will be getting treatment by July!

And the envelope say . . .

Yes, the biopsy confirmed that I have breast cancer. I am being sent for a PET scan on Thursday, and am awaiting the appointment with the Oncologist. I am finding the answer to questions in small increments.

I don’t know what the treatment involves because the scan will determine if the cancer has spread anywhere. With luck, it will involve a lumpectomy and chemo. If not, I am not sure of the course of treatment.

So the mood of these postings will definitely change. There is so much unknown out there, but we are continuing with out lives. We are still planning weekends away, and in fact are planning a trip to Chicago at the end of April.

I am not going to let this get me down. My prayers are for strength, nor mercy. I just want to face this thing with strength and grace

Funny and not so

It has been freezing here in Swampland. The forecast for yesterday was sleet and freezing rain. Everyone was concerned, but nothing happened. Then yesterday evening, the rain began, and the temperature began to drop.

When Simone decided she had to go out at 3:45 this morning, I thought we were out of the woods again. There would be no ice today. When she got up again at our normal time, 6:30, I turned on the television. Schools were closed and freeway ramps and overpasses were closed. There was a 15 car accident on one of the freeways. Swamplanders do not know how to handle that slick stuff.

Of course, the television stations have taken this weather as their own. The ice storm, with the various names hung on it by the different stations, has taken over our news. The weather people were still licking their wounds from crying wolf for Tuesday. The ice never hit. They called for it from Sunday on. It never came.

They, I’m sure, felt vindicated today. They preempted the national morning shows to cover the situation here. They are still coming on during each and every commercial break to give updates on the temperature and the thawing!

I’ve got to have a little sympathy for them, after all, we didn’t get a hurricane this year. We didn’t even get really heavy rains. It has been a very slow weather season for those poor souls.

In a more serious note, I had the biopsy done yesterday. The surgeons office called today for G and me to come in. We are going in tomorrow for the results. Both the doctor and the nurse tell me that regardless of the news, we have to come in, but since they are wanting G to also come in, I think the news will not be good. I think there is a malignancy, and we will be discussing a treatment plan. Needless to say, there is a great deal of apprehension on my part now even though I feel I am expecting the worst.

When these things come up, my fight or flight tends to run to flight. I would like to just run away from the whole situation. Anyone have some sand I can put my head into?

Close call

My biopsy almost was moved to yesterday. I reminded that I had not stopped the aspirin based meds until yesterday. The nurse asked the doctor, and he said he didn’t want to do it because the bruising would be too great. This gives me a little pause. I was thinking a needle biopsy done in the office wouldn’t be too great a deal. I am almost ready to ask for someone to go with me.

I am still praying with strength to deal with this without dissolving into tears. I was doing much better than I am now. It didn’t help to watch television last night with the father of a major character on one show finding he had cancer in multiple organs. They didn’t give him much of a chance, and there would be no chemo or radiation.

I shouldn’t be watching programs like that. I really need to make sure that I keep my spirits up. I especially need to be positive around the family. As the surgeon said, tears won’t do any good at all. I need to just gird my loins and fight this thing.

It is just so difficult right now. There is no definitive diagnosis on anything. I don’t know if it is really cancer. I don’t know what kind. I don’t know if it has spread. I don’t know if I will be getting chemo or radiation or both. I just feel like I cannot plan my life past the pathology report.

I got the form to reserve a booth at the festivities in Tiny Town in July. I don’t know what kind of condition I will be in then. I’m thinking I’ll send in the form so I could get a good spot this time. I have until June to cancel and get my money back.

With the weather about to change terribly, keep warm!