Thursday, June 13, 2013

What is wrong with me?

I am beginning to wonder if I might be slightly manic/depressive - if there is such a thing.

Right now I am obsessing about relationships.  I am feeling very ignored.  I KNOW that isn't really true - notice said "really" as if there is a doubt in my mind.   Then I begin worrying about the time I have left.  I know there aren't too many days out there for me.  I hate that.  I want to be around to see my grandchildren and for that matter even their grandchildren.

Crazy.  Absolutely crazy.  I think I am still very childlike in my view of life.  Deep down, I believe I am invincible.  This dying stuff - why that' s for other people.

When I really begin to accept that I am mortal, I pout.  Every time I think of dying, I think my family really ought to be spending time with me.  They'll be sorry when I am gone.  Then they won't have the opportunity.

Then I begin to think "I hope they WILL miss me rather than be glad I am gone."  And, without going into even more detail that will  make me look WORSE, I don't want to be like some of those who have gone on and I was relieved - even glad.

When Daughter first moved back here, we spent Saturdays together.  We would go out shopping.  That doesn't happen any longer, and I miss it.  It was a grand time being together talking, sharing.  Now with three kids who are involved in swimming (all of them), baseball, gymnastics/cheer leading (although not as much), she doesn't have much time to catch a breath.  She won't tell anyone "no" so she is on the swim board, she id the treasurer for the swim team, she is active in the year-round swim, she is treasurer for church, and on and on.

Now if I really reflect on it - there is no way I can do the shopping anymore.  My back begins to feel like someone has skewered me on a huge sword.  The pain is such I begin to sweat.  I look for a place to sit.  She knows this, so for both of our sake, she just goes when she has to.

Lady Bug used to want to spend time with me.  Now she is almost a teen.  When she has free time, and COULD get over here (one mile) on her own, she doesn't.  In fact I put myself into a huge funk when I had the Kindle sent to her.  That night - no call.  Found out it was Awards Night (which wasn't mentioned until after the fact - you make your decision about how I felt there), swim practice the other nights.  Finally on Sunday I got a quick kiss.

I have shared my blue funk with you, and I am sure you are quite bored.  So I will go along and just soak in it !   Such a "wise" decision!  NOT.


Cheyenne said...

I don't know, you sound kind of normal to me. All these feelings come with our age level despite the fact there are a few others out there not the same. I envy them but then I think they might not have half of what I have in other things, if that makes sense.

JuJu said...

Yeah, I think what you're feeling is pretty normal. I know that I go through phases where I feel like all my relationships are one way, that I"m the only one making an effort? And, often times, I feel like my blogging buddies care more for me than my family and close friends!
It's hard to be realistic about death, none of us have done it before. we don't know if it will be today or many years from now. I guess we just have to live each day like it is our last. Or try to anyway?

Judy said...

Of course there is such a thing a manic depression--they now put a fancy title on it of Bi Polar--but you aren't either one. You are depressed, which is completely normal. The dang kids barely have time for us. The grand kids grow and are so busy we never see them. We are getting near out "end time" and it makes us sad. One time, not too long ago, I really needed help and none of my kids had the time. My retort was, "I hope I don't inconvenience anyone with my funeral!!" I hope they all fall over my casket weeping and sobbing because they are feeling guilty, LOL.

Judy said...

oh and one more thing--hope the manic phase comes along soon because--that feels so great!!!

Marti said...

I'm going to say you are perfectly normal, otherwise I'd have to wonder the same thing about myself. There are so many times that I wonder why I keep making the effort to do things for some people when I get absolutely nothing back in return. And I go further than you and wonder if anyone will even come to my funeral. Manic depressive or just depressed? I don't know. Most of the time I try not to think about it and focus on something good.