Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A flair for the dramatic

I don't know what is going on with me - my mind, my body. It really started last week after my last injection in the ol' back.

The next day, everyone was noticing my face flushing. I have no idea where that is coming from, but it is still hanging on. So, since I am not dramatic at all, I think that it hurts. Last night I was really flushed, and I will swear that my face was a little painful. I don't know what is bringing all this about. It sure isn't because something is embarrassing me. There is little in this world that can do that anymore.

To couple the face flushing, the other night I had a full fledged hot flash - again. I have not had one of those suckers in quite a while. In fact, during the summer which was usually absolute misery for me, I was pleasantly cool. It is not happening now. Of course, yesterday we had a record high temperature, but it was still only 92 which should be wonderful.

Well all this other stuff is messing with my mind. When I started this post, I really was thinking that I just needed to go off for a while. I really think I am bordering on clinical depression. I can be so low. I just feel so alone. As I said, yesterday was really a hard day.

I think one thing I need to do is get out and meet people. Let's face it, you cannot be a fading rose if you teach. You are among other things a stand-up-comic. You are with people (yea, those little runny nosed, hormone ridden creatures called early teens are people) all day. They keep you going. I am not with any people. I am just here.

I have referred to my ex-best friend. That one is really a fact of life now. When I emailed her with the news of the birth of Little Teeny, she remarked that we hadn't communicated in so long, she didn't even know DIL was pregnant. Yep - that's true. Because I have given up. Finished.

Pronouncing the death of the friendship doesn't bring joy to my heart. Just the opposite. That sorrow is pretty much self centered. I am feeling sorry for myself. Poor little me. Little old retired lady. I just don't get around folks very often. For the most part - I visit with sales folks - or the PT person.

I have been married all these years to a basically anti-social person. He doesn't like people. When we would have a couple over, if he got sleepy, he would get up, announce he was going to bed, and went! So who is out with people - right. But I am not paying for his anti-social behaviors. I have no friends. I do have some I keep up with through emails and/or Facebook. They live in other cities. Doesn't meet my daily needs. I have even established friendships - again through Facebook with previous students. Those are my special joys, but let's face it - they aren't going to become BFFs!!

Sorry for the vent. I am still thinking of ways that I can solve this problem. I have thought about church, but like G's aunt - I don't want to be part of those old people! (tacky, tacky) I am looking at finding some volunteering things. That might be good. Lets just say that I am still mourning a death (my friendship), my daughter's busy life, and my own boring life. Getting mobility back has brought both good and bad. It is up to me to make it good. Thanks for the ear.

Peace be with you (and me).


Cheyenne said...

Do you take niacin or Niaspan? They cause flushing. My husband was on Niaspan and it drove him loony at times. He is finally off it, thank goodness.

Susan Adcox said...

Being retired does bring challenges as one tries to balance one's needs with one's husband's. Someone it was easier when we both worked. It was easier to spend time with friends without feeling as if you were bailing on your spouse.