Yawn

I convinced myself that the time change wouldn't get to me this year. I don't know who I was kidding, but I am a walking zombie. I am tired to the bone and all the way through it.

Sunday night wasn't a problem because we stayed up late. Getting the brain to go into neutral was not a problem. It was way past any bedtime regardless of the time situation. Monday morning was a little tough because we had to be up at daylight to move our vehicles out of the driveway. Our yard man was coming to clean out the summer jungle that had become a dessicated frost bitten mess.

Monday night I could not go to sleep. I tried and tried. I finally got up and came into the den. I watched a few really stupid shows finally becoming tired enough to fall asleep. I was able to get about 4 1/2 hours. Thinking it wouldn't be so bad because I could hopefully get a cat nap between the time G left for work and before Doodle Bug got here. That wasn't to be because yard man was coming back. The thunderstorms ran them off the day before. Sleep was not to be had.

I was SURE I would fall asleep last night. Nope. So I got up and began clearing the path to the desk top computer. I didn't call Stupidcast because I knew that would sweep sleep completely away - probably for days.

I got Doodle Bug down (and my gravy it's been 1 1/2 hours for a change) to try to nap. Not to be. The phone rang off the wall.

I am hanging my hopes on this weekend. How are you doing with the time change?

How time flies when you are having . . .

Yes, I am still here and alive. I just have been trying to dig out of the avalanche of paper work and computer woes. It seems that the papers around here have been multiplying at an alarming rate! I cannot believe how overwhelming all of that is.

Of course, you have to add Miss Active, Doodle Bug. She has decided that two hour naps are for babies, not big eight month olds. She is way too big for that baby stuff. A mere 30 minutes is quite enough for her to maintain her healthy life. Well, I have news for you kid, it’s about to do this 62-year-old in! You may find yourself in day care here soon.

In addition to no naps, she is about to crawl. Now I have done what I could to prevent that little developmental milestone from happening. I have definitely slowed down in the seven years since the first grandchild. Doodle Bug is best kept at arms’ length at the most. That means she and I reside on the sofa. Not much crawling happens there. Mother Nature will not be denied however, and she is really working hard on becoming mobile. Of course, she has thought she could walk right out of the womb. She is most frustrated that she cannot get up and walk away.

The cable internet connection is still down due to the fact that I would rather be beaten with the model for 24 hours straight rather than call customer service. How a connection can just suddenly stop connecting will always be a mystery to me. I haven’t even been in the same room with all that stuff in a long while. I certainly didn’t do anything to it, but I am going to have to be the one to fix it.

One of the columnists in the Swampland paper was talking about his DSL being down. At least I know I won’t be routed to India for customer service with Stupidcast, but I still will have to go through all the disconnecting and reconnecting of cables and the like. This is something that has to be done soon because G needs the internet to update the tax programs to do our taxes. Being on the telephone for an extended time is not something that mixes with Doodle Bug however!

I went to have my mammogram last week. I guess I will have to call the doctor to get the results since I haven’t heard anything yet. I would love to say no news is good news, but I am worried. The tech took an additional film and then asked if I had on deodorant. Of course, being the reasonable, sane person I am, I immediately began planning my next mastectomy. So I guess I will be reasonable and call the doctor!

It seems that every day I take an armload of paper work into the office and dump it on my desk. That is another reason I have not been in the same room with the modem and router. I would have to face that stuff. I guess if there is a possibility that they may have to send a repairman for the connection I am going to have to shovel a pathway to the equipment. Well, that have to be done for G too. I guess I’ll be in the office soon for a while. I better tie a rope around my waist so that I can be found as I spelunk that cave of unknown things.

The adventure continues

I spent the entire day yesterday reloading applications on this laptop. That is important because now I have to start on the desk top that is on its last legs. I think I may call support in India. I HATE calling support in India, so I bought a computer made in Austin, Texas, USA so I would be able to call customer support right here in the good old states. Imagine, if you will, my dismay when I called support the first time.

But like a fool, when my extended warranty (you KNOW my luck with computers) ended, I added two years. You see, I know something they don't. I was supposed to have the mother board replaced two years ago, but I had the old switcheroo with the techs that had to come out (tee hee!), and number two didn't do it. So, I figure I am due a mother board.

That computer takes about three days to load. When it does, it will NOT go on line. Of course, now I think a huge part of the problem is Dumbcast. I don't think I have a good signal because I am using my neighbor's WiFi to write this (thanks Darlene!)

My first concern is with the computer itself. The display is sideways, so the monitor is on its side! I know when I call customer service, they are going to want me to take the blasted computer apart. I will play my "handicapped" card at that time. I really don't like staring into the interior of a computer. I don't like unplugging elements, and I really don't like and can't crawl around on the floor.

That is an issue I will have to face with my ISP as well. They will want me to disconnect the computer and so on. Not ready for that today!

My luck with computers is still missing, but at least I can sort of get things done on the laptop! It doesn't require physical manipulations like the desk top. But income tax time is coming and G will need the desk top. The adventure continues.

Advances! Humph!

I'm beginning to really believe that I should never touch another computer again - in my entire life.

It all began when I bought a new sewing machine. This thing does everything except cut out the fabrics. It sews; it monograms; it embroideries. It has a screen saver. It can read other files.

Sure. I have not been open with G about this new machine due to its cost. So when I went to the new owners class on Saturday, I just told him that I was going to a sewing class. During the class, we were shown how to change the screen saver.

I was SO excited. I came home that evening and tried to change my screen saver. I had already installed the soft ware on the laptop, so I gathered up the computer and headed upstairs for the machine. I read the instructions for connecting the computer to the machine. NOTHING.

I thought nothing until I noticed that the computer was locked up. Nothing would happen with any command. So, I turned it off. When I restarted it, it wouldn't leave the welcome page. After several trials, I would occasionally get past that page, but not always.

I thought perhaps the driver for the machine was faulty, so I deleted it. Then the computer was really frozen. Nothing would happen. So then I had the brilliant idea of getting the restore disc and
reinstall things on the computer. It made perfect sense to me.

I put in the disc. Then the death message appeared. All files would be erased. Only the factory programs would be loaded, unless I had the files on the computer saved. Ah, my out!

So I proceeded. To make a long story short, regaining all that information has taken me through today, and it is still not done. The computer is working, wonkily. Add the lousy Dumbcast Internet that doesn't work with regularity, and I am barely around!

I really think I need to leave all these new fangled contraptions to the young folks! I guess I need a typewriter, envelops, stamps, and a petal powered sewing machine!

Doctors visits

I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like such a whiner. I think I should be feeling great. Both doctor's appointments went well - six month recall on both, and they think I'm doing fine. But I find myself worrying about where I really do stand in this battle.

I had the blood test to check the marker levels. The CA-29 was 29. Last time (October I think) it was 19. Dr Poison assured me that it was still normal. Normal range is up to 35. I don't care. I still worry. Does it have some other meaning? Dr Poison said that levels fluctuate in our bodies all the time. He still put me on 6 month recall, so I guess all it right. He also wrote the orders for the mammogram and bone density study.

I told him my emotions are a little raw. He doesn't seem to think it is the anti-estrogen pill. But then he wasn't too concerned with the fact that my joint pain can get so bad at times. Of course, what is the recourse? I need to take that little pill.

So things appear to be going well. I keep wondering if the nasty C will come back. I forgot to tell him I have an ache in my back. My crazy mind yells "kidney cancer" to me, and when logic can push its way in I settle down. Guess I'll just skate along for the next six months.

I'm moving forward!

Yesterday afternoon I had my appointments with the radiation oncologist. The waiting room was packed! They had added to the staff. It was all very interesting.

When they took me back, there were no rooms so I had to wait in the women's dressing room waiting area. Boy, that brought back memories. There were two women who went in for treatment and had to return to that waiting area. They were talking, as happens when you get treatments with people for weeks. One was going to be finished today and the other had two weeks to go. But they had to see one of the doctors. That explained the lack of rooms!

I told the doctor about the pain and the tightness. She is really cute! She is Indian, and much of her treatment is Eastern medicine mixed with Western medicine. Her advice for a solution was to use an oil like coconut or olive warmed over some water. She said to gently massage that in for about 10 minutes then shower as normal. I hope it works because it certainly felt good!

The best thing she said was that I was to return in SIX months. What good news. I am getting closed to becoming a survivor!

Strange occurances

When I put Doodle Bug down for her naps, part of the routine is to turn on the fan and the light classical cable music channel. She apparently sleeps well to that music. Normally I don't pay just a whole lot of attention to what piece happens to be playing unless it is really familiar to me or it just grabs me for some other reason.

For the last couple of days, I took notice of the music. Several times (one day it was the morning and afternoon naps) I looked at the screen because the music was very snappy. It was Vivaldi. That was really sort of amazing to me. I didn't think they played Vivaldi very often, but it has been a biggie for the last few days!

We are getting ready to head out to our "spread" this weekend. G commented that every year when we go this third weekend of Februray, the weather is really bad. It is always cold and there is precipitation - usually freezing. That is the forecast for this weekend too! Texas' weather may change in a few seconds, but it seems to be rather regular for this time of year.

I'm going to the radiation oncologist today. I've got a few concerns for her this time, chiefly how tight the skin seems. I also have some pain, but that may be because it seems I am getting some feeling back. THe chest feeling is returning, but the underarm feeling I think is gone forever.

Grandchildred

Yep, I'm being "one of them" today. Give me a break! What else do I do around here? I keep one of the little buggers. That's my life these days.

Lady Bug is seven, and we all know that being seven means losing one's teeth. She lost three over the course of last weekend. She has already lost the two in front on the lower jaw. She then lost the ones on either side of those. Suddenly she lost one of the front teeth. She looked like a jack-o-lantern! It was the funniest looking thing. My plans were to get a picture to post here (you lucky people), but her mother told me this morning that she has now lost the other front tooth.

Doodle Bug isn't feeling just perfect these days, and she is making my life miserable. She is so grumpy. At least she is in the habit of napping. This morning at 9:22 she pulled herself on me, put her head on my shoulder showing me she was ready for her morning nap. She is such a little old lady. She is a complete creature of habit and doesn't like it to be changed. I just wish she would do the afternoon naps again. I have high hopes for today since she did yesterday.

Monkey Boy is doing well in his PPCD class. It is under the Special Education umbrella. He was very speech delayed. His major problem now is potty training. He refuses to use the potty. I don't know why. He was at school, but even that has stopped now. He is 3 1/2. I guess (hope) he will be trained before kindergarten.

I wonder if any other kids in kindergarten have this problem. I don't think any in regular classes. I know in Special Ed. Heck, we had them in junior high. His future will be interesting - to say the least.

OK. I've gotten my fill of talking about grandchildren. Perhaps tomorrow I can find a more stimulating subject.

So - when do you start counting

Survivor. That's what I want to be. A survivor. No, not on some exotic island. I want to be a breast cancer survivor.

I am having all sorts of anniversaries now. December 23 was the anniversary of the suspicious mammogram. December 29 was the compression mammogram. January 16 was the biopsy. I was diagnosed on the 19. I had my lumpecomy February 8, and then the masectomy on the 22.

These are just the first of the anniversaries that will come this year. So since it has been a year, am I a survivor yet or do I have to wait 5 years? Will I really be a survivor then?

I really think that I am in the midst of a chronic disease. I don't think that really once you have cancer you are ever really a survivor. If there is no recurrance physically, there is in your mind.

One of my friends, neighbor in the hill country, and relative had colon cancer a few years ago. I think she is at the point of being considered a survivor. I don't think she believes it however.

I spoke with her a month or so ago. She was going for her check the following week. She commented that even though she is on a yearly recall, that seems like too long a time period. I really think she would be happier to be check at a more frequent interval.

I fully understood what she was saying. I go this week to see my radiation oncologist. At my last visit, when she told me things were well and I would be on a 4 month recall, I was thrilled. I wouldn't be seeing those folks so often. This has been such a long time. The appointment that seemed to be so close at the time has, in reality, been a long haul. Next week I see the regular oncologist, and he will check the blood markers. I really want to see those numbers.

Then my son's best friend's mother has had a major recurrance. She and I are not close by any means so I can't ask her, as if I would even think of doing it, how she cared for herself. The story I have is that she stopped taking her after breast cancer pill (I don't know which one she was on), and then they found the cancer everywhere.

Since she is not actively pursuing chemo or anything like that again, I do have to wonder what she did for herself after her five years. She is doing the holistic thing right now. That includes even drinking water with perioxide in it to change her pH.

So. When do you consider yourself to be a survivor?

Disaster averted

We have weathered a disaster around this old homestead. It was another death. It was an old trusted, reiable friend who was of undetermined age. It was my faithful microwave.

When we bought our first microwave all those years ago, we thought it to be just a passing fancy. It would be good for warming left overs and making nachos, but that would be about the only uses we could imagine. But we forged ahead and bought one anyway, and brought it home.

Then we began to use it. The original uses were there of course, but then we began to experiment. And lo and behold, we discovered that others had been branching out in their uses of the glorious appliance. And those people recorded their experiments and bound them. They made microwave cook books. Oh the horizon expanded.

And so we were hooked. That orignial microwave quit on us several times. We rushed it to the appliance hospital where it was put on life support and would recieve a transplant. It would be returned to us, and we would again put it to work, reheating and cooking.

Then it became apparent that it was suffering more than was allowable. It would have to be put out of it's misery. Plus there were new ones out - with push buttons replacing the dial. Oh, we had to have one of those. So the old work horse was put out to pasture after about 18 years, and in came the new one. It was all shiny white and pristine. What a joy.

As the years wore on, the white one became stained, but it wtill worked like a charm. It served proudly and well. That was until it suddenly began arcing. That was about two years ago. It was out of the blue, and it would stop almost as soon as it began. The arcing would come so infrequently that we just plugged on.

We just didn't know how sick the poor thing was. I was heating a small bag of popcorn when the arcing became so violent. I went to the oven and opened the door. The popcorn was only half popped, but I knew that it wouldn't allow another heating because I didn't want a burned offering. The next day I went to the oven, opened the door and carefully placed my lunch into the cavity. I set the timer for two minutes. The sound was not familiar. It was so different. It was labored. The food was not hot! The microwave was dead.

Suddenly it was shop on line time again. I began my search for a replacement. How could we go on without a microwave? My search was difficult. What I was finding was the 1.1 cubic footers that had a measly 1000 watts. That wouldn't do at all. But I pushed on, and was delighted when I went to the Mega membership huge quanity store had what I wanted. A beautiful new 2.2 cubic foot with 1250 watts. It was a fitting replacement, and the price was right.

So now we have a bright shiny stainless steel microwave sitting in the place of honor in our kitchen. All's right with the world, and I can once again have a hot lunch.

We have once again returned from the little place in Far Out West Texas. The trip was packed full of exciting events. Well, I guess you have to lead my terribly exciting life to classify all this as exciting.

On the way, we stopped in the Alamo city to see my MIL. We told her we would call before we got to the independent living facility where she is now. She didn't answer the phone. That call was made about lunch time, so we thought she must be down eating. We called an hour later. There was no answer. G was a little more than upset. He thought she had forgotten we were coming and went off somewhere. That wasn't the case, she explained that he simply didn't allow the phone to ring enough times.

I spoke to little SIL Saturday. G's fear were well founded. MIL had a doctor's appointment sometime last week. Little SIL was going to take her. She forgot, got on the facility's van and went to the wrong doctor. When MIL related all this to us, she said T was coming back from Capitol City and just visited. She is not as with it as I thought.

Saturday afternoon, neighbor E was helping G tear out the front deck so that it can be replaced. E went home for lunch and our leasee for cattle came by to pay for the lease. That's when they saw the smoke.

That is a serious situation in Texas these days. Things are so dry now, and the spring and summer was full of rain. That means all the long grass has been dried out by the frosts and freezes. The winds are really high this year. Add a spark and you have a grass fire that can consume hundreds and hundreds of acres.

G decided to take the county road to see if he could find the source. He met E at the base of our adjoining hills, and they both went looking. I was there alone and the smoke was getting much worse. It was thick around the house. I really was about to call the fire department - which is 12 miles away in rocky dirt roads. It takes about 30 minutes just to travel that distance. The fire department is all volunteer. You can add all that up!

As it turned out, they found no fire. Thankfully!

On the family feud front, relations between BIL and Little SIL are not going well. She told us that she wants to stop leasing her land to him for cattle. That is one thing. The other is that there is no fence between them. Ah, I see the feud becoming really nasty. I think I'm glad we are not situated in the middle of this - both physically and emotionally. Our land is the furthest north - fenced off to boot.

Hope your weekend was a good one. Tomorrow I get Doodle Bug back. Her mom tells me she hasn't napped this weekend. She will either sleep all day, or I will be really fit to be tied tomorrow afternoon.

Time

Do you ever wonder where time goes? Do you feel there are enough hours in a day?

I just have no idea where the time goes in a day. I get up, and then it's bed time. I look around and wonder just what I have accomplished. I wonder where the time is hiding. It was there a minute ago. I saw it. The day was sitting there, unused.

When I was still teaching, there was a point where I had teenagers at home, was a part time organist at a church, and ran a small craft business that was located in a local flea market. That meant that at night I was making things for said craft business. I also was mom taxi.

I managed to get things done. Lesson plans were done, tests were written, labs (I taught science) were prepared, papers were graded. The house was fairly presentable, and the dust was under control. Dinner was prepared every evening and on the table for a family dinner by 7 pm.

Now I am retired. My daughter and I are still playing around with the craft thing, but there is no store. We make occasional craft shows, but nothing big. We did one last year, but I had my cancer to deal with and she had her pregnancy. I just don't seem to be able to get anything done.

One of the factors I must consider is the simple fact that I am older - considerably. I just don't have the energy that I once had. I used to put this off to the chemo and radiation. I know that was part of it. I expected to immediately bounce back from that. I gave it a month thinking I would be full speed again. It just didn't happen. I would lie on the couch - exhausted - while the world just kept right on going around me.

Keeping an infant surely doesn't help. I am really thankful that she naps. The other two didn't. For the longest time, when she finally went to sleep, I would just become a vegetable. I was completely spent. Since Thanksgiving when she began refusing the bottle, getting her to sleep for her nap has been a battle. She cries and cries, but finally gives in to sleep for more than an hour.

My energy level is better - finally. I think after 6 months, I am about back to where I was. Normal? Not at all. While I was battling those cancer cells, age crept in, bringing something that saps energy. I used to wonder why retired people often took naps. I understand now.

The other side of a nap is that if I take one, then I don't sleep at night! Ah, the wonders of old age.

But I guess I will set off now, looking for bits and pieces of time. I know it has to be here somewhere.

Husbands

Some husbands are incredible thoughtful and insightful while some are as sensitive as cedar posts. Guess which category mine falls in? Yep, he's a post.

Last night we were having dinner with the kids at my daughter's house. We got to talking about taking the troop carrier (the huge F250) to the shop for it's maintenance. When we do that, the plan goes like this. We get up early for a day off (drat), he hops into the troop carrier and I get in my car to follow. We fight the morning traffic to get to the shop, and I go to the restaurant next door to wait until he gets things signed in. Then we have breakfast out.

That is a plan that has been in effect for years. Until today. We really needed to be home by 8:30 so we would be here when Doodle Bug got here. Well, that changed everything. HE would take the troop carrier by himself, eat breakfast, and wait for the service to be done.

Well, even as petty as it may seem, I am ticked! I LOVE having breakfast out. When I take Simone to the vet for a bath, she has to be there early. There is a What-a-burger in the next shopping center. I hit the drive through for their (really pretty lousy) breakfast. I feel that I have had a right taken from me. I don't get breakfast from that restaurant and he does.

It was funny. All the kids knew that he was flying in the face of all I deem right and holy. K kept telling me she would come later. He still didn't get the point. So, here I sit, at home, with breakfast that I made while he is sitting indulging in that wonderful breakfast there.

I guess I'll have to make his life miserable for the rest of the day!

Ugh, families

I've been thinking about yesterday's post. I know the death of a parent often brings conflict among the siblings. I was so young when my maternal grandmother died that I don't remember all the things that happened, but I know that there was great strife between my mother and one of her brothers.

What worries me now is that when G and I are gone, there will be strife between my children. I also know what will cause the most strife, and it is the same thing that is happening in G's family. It will come from in-laws. Specifically, my son-in-law will radically piss off my son (and daughter-in-law too most likely).

I don't think they will come to "blows" over anything is Swampland. It will be the little place in West Texas. SIN doesn't take care of anything there. He has left windows open when he leaves, he puts things in the burn barrel that are dangerous, he litters. These things will drive B absolutely nuts. B already gets upset with SIL.

I wish there were something I could do to stop the blow up. I know there is nothing. And I guess I really don't need to worry about it. I won't know anything about it.

Families can be great things and terrible things!

Family messes

All through my childhood and well into my adulthood, I hated the fact that I was an only child. I longed for a sibling. I constantly had the fantasy that somewhere out here was a brother or sister who was given up for adoption before I came along. I found myself making some of mt friends into my non-existent brother or sister. Being an only child was a very lonely thing for me.

Now that I’m finally an adult who has to do adult things (like deal with parental deaths in particular) I realize that perhaps being an only child isn’t such a bad thing after all.. One of the advantages is that decisions that must be made I can make without a brother or sister fighting me about it or there being hurt feelings.

When I had to make the decision to move my father and step-mother to Swampland, I just did it. Now there I could have had some repercussions. You see, I do have a step brother, but my step brother had never been in the picture. There were no big family gatherings, no letters, nothing. There was no contact between families. We both were adults in our late 30's with our own children when our parents married. It has only been since his mother’s death that there has been any contact at all.

He could have fought me all the way when I moved them here to, but you see, he was living and working in one of the great cold northern states at the time (the rest of his family was living on the Left Coast. He rarely saw his mother. He was not really involved with her care. This is something I later found out from his cousin.

When I made the decision, her extended family was thrilled. They knew that my step brother didn’t look after her, and if she were close to me here, she would be looked after. Whew! Side stepped a bullet there.

But now I am seeing how family divides can occur quickly. Now that my FIL has died, there is a BIG rift occurring in G’s family. His sister is the baby of the family as well as the only girl. You can see what that position in the family brings with the parents. His brother is/was/will be always be Mommy’s little boy. G is/was/will always be the third wheel - even if he is the oldest. I can expound on that later.

His mother could be cast as Mommy Dearest without question. Severe depression runs in her family, as does Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She has both of those disorders - in spades. G’s early memories of his mother are of the numerous beatings he was given - all while Dad was away from home working for the rail road.

Brother and sister seem to be in the midst the supreme sibling rivalry. Both are jockeying for Mom’s favor. The sister moved in with the parents about 6 months ago because they were not able to care for themselves, but wouldn’t admit it. She became their caretaker. She did it for love, although brother and wife thought there must have been ulterior motives to her moving in with them.

Of course she could have used money for the care giving. She lost her job and at 55, jobs are hard to come from. I though she could get retirement, but it seems that she must have removed some money from the retirement fund. If it is not paid back, there is no retirement. Hmmm no job equals no money. No money means no repayment to the retirement fund. No repayment means no retirement checks. But I’m not supposed to know about any of this. OK. I’ll just play stupid.

This past weekend, MIL finally decided, or said she finally decided to make the move back to the retirement (perhaps assisted living?) facility where she and FIL had been for a few months. Back then, she wanted to be there so much and loved it - or so she said. He hated it and made her miserable every day. She decided to move back to the house even though she wanted to stay. Now the story has changed. She tells everyone but the family she wants to stay at the house. Forever.

To bring this all to a close and up to date, Little Sister was in the San Antonio for a good part of last week (even though she said she was through with all that stuff there and washed her hands of it all). They could get access to the apartment on Thursday, The big move was set for Saturday. She and Mother moved some things, but spent most of the time with the telephone company trying to get a telephone installed. She met with the usual mess that can come with a utility.

BIL and SIL came in on Saturday to help with little things. There were professional movers involved here too, so I don’t know why she wasn’t completely moved by them! When night fall came, MIL stated she wanted to go home. She had no sheets and no clothes at the apartment. Apparently SIL copped an attitude with Little Sister. Things blew up. Little sister was angry with SIL and left. To top it all off, there would have been no caretaker for MIL at the house that night.

All this has been going on especially since FIL’s death, but I suspect a little even before then. Middle brother doesn’t trust or respect his Little Sister. That is bad enough, but when the in law gets involved, that spells trouble with a capital T. MIL had complained to my daughter about her, and I thought she was the Golden In Law. She apparently had been rather "bossy" about things.

As for me, look for me in the nearest closet with my head in the sand - deeply in the sand.. I want to stay out of this one. I’m trying to keep relationships open with everyone. I hope I just don’t get slammed in the middle, but I’m afraid this problem has a long, nasty way to go!.

Physicians and other necessities

Hey - it's me again. I can't believe so much time has passed. Time just flies!

I have been making the first of my check ups that fall here at the beginning of the year. So far, all is good - I guess. Cardio doc is happy with my status, but I still have to hear the results from the wonderful Pap. I assume all is well on that end.

Doodle Bug has decided to become one of the siblings. She has decided that five fifteen minute naps are a good thing. Well kiddo, they are definitely NOT! Oh how I long for the days of the two hour nap.

My MIL is back home for a while. She is packing up everything to move to an assisted living facility. This is the one where they lived for a while when FIL was still alive. He hated it. Every second. HE made her live miserable. She had wanted to move there for years. Now she doesn't want to go back. She is taking his stance on living in that house. I don't think she has stated that she wants to die in her bed in that house as he did, but she has said she wants to live in the house forever.

I don't know why she has taken the stance she has taken. When BIL and SIL tried to move her to Capital City, it was way too early. They attempted that a week after the funeral. But when they took her back to CC for Christmas, they were able to get her to go to the Assisted Living.

Since I am an outlaw, I stay away from all this. In this family you can certainly be treated as an outlaw in a heartbeat. So to not become a complete outsider, I just keep my mouth shut. There are some dynamics going on here that I want to stay away from completely.

BIL emailed that probate is on Tuesday. He thinks that will be the end. I just replied that probate means the work has just begun. All she gets is appointed executrix. She now has to deal with the estate.

I will now slink back into my hole and not commit anything else - although I did add my two cents about the move and her reaction to one of her care takers. I just can't keep my mouth shut. I also said that I thought a scooter would help her become even more mobile at the Assisted Living. When will I learn?

Anyway, next month brings the checkups with the oncologist and radiation oncologist. It's funny, when I was in the midst of treatment, I couldn't wait for the end of the constant visits. Now I want them sooner than four months. I spoke to another cancer survivor who is three years past her treatment. She is on yearly recalls. She said that seems too long. I heartly agree, I never thought I would say this, but those checks cannot come too soon!

My day with Doodle Bug

As I have noted before, I keep Doodle Bug during the day while her mom works. She will be six months old on the 20th of this month.

Do you know the joy of keeping a 5 month old who refuses the bottle? Can you imagine the battles in which we engage? She really doesn't eat any solid food either. Perhaps she will eat a few spoonfuls of her rice cereal, but that's about it!

When I was keeping her before Christmas, I came to the brilliant conclusion that since she didn't take a bottle, perhaps she would take a "sippy cup." What did I have to lose? Absolutely nothing!

I bought a beginning sippy cup. It is like most with two exceptions. It has a longer spout, and it has no flow restrictor. DB loves it! I would bring it close and she would open her mouth which was unlike her reaction to the bottle. She would turn her head to the bottle - that is unless she wanted to chew on the nipple.

The only problem with this sippy cup is that she loves it so much. She grabs the handles which means I no longer have control. Then she will turn the cup up and almost drowns on the milk. Not exactly what I want. But she would actually get some nourishment into her little tummy.

Yesterday was her first day back with me after a ten day lapse. Mom didn't bring any milk. She did bring more rice cereal. I still had a month's supply!

When nap time came, DB was sleepy and grumpy. I had NO way to soothe her. You see, Mom nurses her to sleep. She screamed. She has a new cry. A shrill one. I heard it for an hour.

She fell asleep. I was so delighted. The delight soon ended however. Her blanket was across the room. She loves to be swaddled. She wasn't.

I retrieved the blanket and headed to the bedroom where her bed is. I placed her on my bed to begin the swaddling procedure. She got her arms out. Oh mercy! By the time I put her in her bed she was awake. She was having no part of this.

I took her back into the den. I mixed some rice cereal. I got three spoonfuls into her. She played for about another hour. Then, she was tired. Still. Again.

We sat and I tried to soothe her to sleep. Another hour of crying punctuated by phone calls. Can you imagine people actually trying to talk to me with a baby screaming in my other ear?

She finally went to sleep after about another hour of screaming. Guess who came in the door? Mom. I wanted to hit my own daughter.

Home again, jiggity jig

After our prolonged absence, we are back. Boy has there been a lot of water that has passed under the bridge too!

We generated enough trash to fill a huge truck. Unfortunately, there were no trucks available. We loaded two burn barrels, but alas, a burn ban is in effect. I had visions of ignoring that ban until we went to town on the 31st. There was a grass fire in the northeastern part of the area that scorched about 2500 acres. Guess where our burnable trash is. Right in the barrels. We still managed to bring back three large trash bags and a cooler of smashed cans.

Son-in-law pulled his usual stunt. He tried to stick plastic things in the burn barrel. One was the baby's toys with accompanying battery. I'm glad we managed to find it instead of later lighting the barrel with it in it!

Hunting was sparse. Son and daughter in law each killed a spike. They were each about 3 years old, and we surely don't want them passing on their (lack of) horns. G did get a good buck finally. We use the meat, and there are so many of the little creatures. We didn't even make a dent in the population. We would have 15-20 deer around my house feeder each night. That's a lot for 200 acres. Those were just those who came during daylight. I have no idea how many came at night!

After S and K and the kids went home, we had the neighbors over for dinner - and Texas Hold'em, our family style. We had great fun. The poker games continued each night. Bed times were about 1 am. That's fine if you can sleep until 9, but our four legged baby (Simone) is up at day light. Yawn.

As for G's family, I still don't know what is going on with them. His brother and family did not come. They kept Mom at their house - and away from the care taker she liked. That group is feuding with the sister. I am just trying to fly under the radar.

"Mom" is back in her house for now. They have secured assisted living for her. We stopped by the house on the way home. She seems positive about it, but the new care taker said she was crying while packing when her other care taker (also new) was there. I wonder what they did to her while she was in the Capitol City? I'm thinking brain washing. Your choice Mom, our house or assisted living.

So that's how things are in our neck of the woods. How about yours?

Conflicts

Growing up, I felt as though I had two sets of parents. A little over-kill there! One child, four parents. So holiday times meant sharing time with the "other parents." My other parents were my aunt and uncle who lived about a mile from us. It just became a natural thing.

When G and I married, here came a whole other family. And extended family. We really had to spread ourselves thin - especially at Christmas. We had my family, then we had his family. That meant that in addition to the regular things I was used to at Christmas, we had at least two more celebrations to work in. One was fairly easy - the whole family, three kids and two in-laws, would be at his parents house for our family Christmas, then off the A Litter Bigger Town for the extended family Christmas - which was mother-in-law's family. A trip of about 2 hours. Just long enough to mean overnight.

I am used to having to be stretched thin for holidays. I am a little upset that our nuclear family doesn't seem to be able to have a family Christmas any more. Since daughter in law has her mother living with her, they (crazy Cajuns) celebrate with their family BOTH Christmas eve and Christmas day.

It's not that we are excluded. Just the opposite. We become members of that family. It's really great fun.

I just would like for the grandchildren to have their extended family to get together for their presents. It's not happening - again this year. I thought we could have the usual family dinner on Sunday night. This one very light and easy, but Lady Bug, Monkey Boy and, to a certain extent, Doodle Bug could open all their presents with everyone together.

DIL stopped that one. She said they had church that evening (which I knew), then she had a house full of relatives (also which I knew). Well, yes. But they will be there for a week. Or more. I had just hoped for a couple of hours with them and the others.

Oh well, K and S will bring the kids here tomorrow and things will proceed pretty much as planned - but without the aunt and uncle. Perhaps when they add to the grandchildren things will change.

We will just wait and see. And perhaps hope too.

Hope you have your family close and enjoy your time with them. Things will be fun regardless of when and where here!

A better woman? And other musings

To some extent, I have gotten over my raging snit that erupted at father-in-law's funeral. But I am finding that I still really don't care to socialize with G's mother. These hurt feelings go back about twenty five years. I thought they were put behind me, but she delights in re-opening old wounds. Even her sister mentioned how difficult she is to live with. But neither she nor the hurts are worth taking up space. It is what it is, and will be forever. Does that make me a better woman? I doubt it.

Anyway, I was hoping that I wouldn't be keeping Doodle Bug at all today, but I have her for a "couple of hours." I really have so much to do, but at least she is into naps, unlike her sister and brother. So I get to spend time here with you!

Daughter, K, just turned 34. At that age you would think she has some sense of responsibility. Ha! While we were away, I was to work on a baptismal napkin for our church (I need to complete one today and get it to church for Sunday also!). I finished it and gave it to K at the funeral so she could bring it back. She had two good days, Thursday and Friday, to take it to church. I reminded her early on Friday.

When I called home to check for messages, the church secretary had called "to see if there was a problem." When I talked to K on Saturday, I again asked. When she hesitated answering, I knew there was a problem.

For some reason, my home answering machine turned itself off sometime Saturday. Because of that, the messages went to the phone company's answering service (that I HAVE to cancel - I keep forgetting). When I got home and realized what had happened, I checked that service. The secretary had called at 6:30 pm Saturday night. The napkin was still not there.

I just kept my mouth shut about the whole thing this week. Finally yesterday, K admitted that she had forgotten. She told me she made sure that she got up really early Sunday morning to get it to church. So much for responsibility!

If I don't make it back before Christmas, which is a real possibility, Merry Christmas to you all. I hope your holidays are filled with joy.

Conflicting emotions

We are back from father-in-law's funeral. We stayed the week at the SSB.

I have been wrestling with whether or not I should write about the experience. It was not good.

I am trying to understand it I am making a mountain out of a mole hill or not, but I was very upset by things that occurred.

The relationship with mother-in-law had been stormy, and I thought that was over, but now I really am wondering again.

I realize this is quite cryptic. I wrote up a post while we were gone, but I am not sure I should post it. I may just sound petty. Don't know.

Oh, December.

I am beginning to really hate December. My mother died thirty three years ago in December. My step mother died four years ago in December, My dad took really ill two years ago in December, but managed to hold on until January 13.

This morning at 3:30, my father in law died.

We will be out of pocket for at least a week. We are going to the SSB as our headquarters for the funeral in the Alamo City. In the long run, it is cheaper to pay for gasoline than boarding Simone and staying in a hotel. Besides, we sleep in our own beds.

Hope your Christmas shopping goes well if you are still fighting the crowds. Stay safe.

Freedom - for a day

I am going to sound like such a wuss! I had to go to K's yesterday to watch Doodle Bug because she had a dentist appointment, and the second repair person was there to fix her floors (another BIG story!). I only had to be there an hour. Today I don't have her at all. I feel so free. It's wonderful.

So why don't I tell K to put her in day care? Mainly because I'm, as I said, a big wuss. I know I'm helping her out. But that's not the whole story. I really think Doodle Bug is just too young to go into day care. Four and a half months is just too young.

The other factor is that since Thanksgiving, she refuses a bottle. Sure, she gets hungry and SCREAMS, but she does then go to sleep. She naps. The other two didn't. They took the bottle, but they slept for fifteen minutes - if I was lucky.

Things will get better when she can sit by herself. Then I can sneak out to the grocery store or other places that have baskets with the seats in them. Right not I am pretty much house-bound with her. I just don't want to fight the car seat thingies that go from car to wherever. They tend to stick on the baskets. Plus, I don't have the strength I used to have. Seat + baby = too much weight.

So I guess I will just relish today (I think she will be back tomorrow) and keep her here in the house until we can be easily sprung from the house. By next July or August, she will be in day care. It will all work out.

News from the attic

Father in law is not doing well. He has been moved from home hospice to short term in house hospice. He is not sleeping which means that he gets up at night. When he gets up he falls because his feet are so swollen from the edema resulting (probably) from kidney failure.
G and K went to Alamo City Saturday to see him. He really didn’t know them. G suspects that some of the problem may have been that his eyes were dilated. I think they were dilated because of the drugs he has been given to encourage sleep. They don’t work on him. At all.
Doodle Bug went with them. She was an absolute angel! She slept the entire way there. She never uttered a peep. She might do that for me - if she accepted the bottle again. Since she did without for four days at Thanksgiving, she refuses the bottle. Things are rather noisy here at times. The kid has a good set of lungs on her!
Sunday we showed at our little surburb town’s holiday outing. It rained. We made a whopping $16! I also believe we were among the most successful vendors. Well that is with the exception of the people next to us. K spent over $30 with them buying Christmas decorations! But we had more customers.
When I was talking to d-i-l C, I found that their friend’s mother whose cancer has returned never went for her follow up checkups. She has been off Tamoxfen (I guess that was the one) for two years. She has extensive return of her cancer. She still is refusing treatment. That is such a shame.

I made the mistake of not having my mammogram done for all those years. I'm not making a mistake like that again. I will make each and every one of my appointments!

Life is pretty much the same around here day in and day out. Doodle Bug is here about six hours, then I spend the rest of the evening recouperating! How dull, but at least it's life!

Thanks for a good Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is over and past, and the good news is that we didn’t come to blows. Whenever seven people are put into an eighteen hundred square foot dwelling it creates a situation that could become hostile quickly, especially when three of those people are under the age of 7. Add inclement weather to the mix, and it’s a wonder we are all still speaking.

Wednesday was hot and dry, but with Thursday came the cold and the rain. We were basically house bound except for the couple of forays to the hunting stands. The kids were definitely housebound however. With the cold wind and rain they couldn’t even go out on the deck to play.

Under normal circumstances we really don’t let them outside. As I have said before, SSB stands for stings, sticks or bites. The cold kept down any chance of stings and bites, but this has been a year for a bumper crop of grass burrs!

We did make the pilgrimage into tiny town on Black Friday. We certainly didn’t make a huge addition to the town’s economy however. We returned the rental trailer, ate at the major restaurant, bought a book, filled the vehicle up with gas and . . .bought it a new car battery.

When we were going to leave the gas station, it wouldn’t start. I was really afraid it was the starter and not the battery because for some strange reason, son-in-law broke the law and reason by leaving the motor running while fueling. When he got in, he tried to start it again, then turned off the ignition. Then it wouldn’t start. I really thought we were in DEEP trouble!

G went into the center to see if someone could give us a jump while SIL went across the highway to a service station. The man there came over to give a jump. It started!! Yea! So we bought a new battery. I was really surprised it was as reasonable as it was. We could have been gouged - big time, but it was quite reasonable.

The rest of the long weekend was really uneventful. It was really cold and dreary, but it was also strangely relaxing!

Harried tidbits

I've got a bit of a break this morning. Doodle Bug has her 4 month check up, so she won't be here until about 10 or so. I have to admit, I do miss my non-scheduled life.

This afternoon I go back to the surgeon for a follow-up. It seems like a waste of time, the incision looks great. I just forgot to tell them I am allergic to tape. They used tape instead of stitches. So I have several little bumps where the tape was along with red lines to tie it all together!

When I left the hospital, they instructed me to leave the tape in place until it started to fall off. If I had followed that advice, and didn't have an appointment today where I'm sure it would have been ripped off, I would have the tape next year. It was stuck!

I decided that if the incision didn't hurt any more, it had to be healed. I guess it was!

G's father is not doing at all well. He just turned 88. He was in the hospital with a mini-stroke, and went back because his feet were so swollen from complications from congestive heart failure that he couldn't put shoes on. He was supposed to be in until today, but he was released yesterday. My "little" sister-in-law came back early, and there he was. Her mom let the sitter go because her daughter was there. Drats! Now the dad has diarrhea, but isn't aware of it. Things don't look good for him at all, plus daughter is not prepared for this. I hope she gets out. I don't know what is going to happen. We are here in Swampland and the other son is in Capital City. I don't want to go through something like what I did with Dad and V, but I think it is going to happen - soon.

We are preparing for the annual pilgrimage to Ranchito SSB. I know G will be ready to pull his hair out since there will be three grandchildren under 7 there for four and a half days! The dad gets to him too. If only S would get the idea that he doesn't have to fabricate to get approval. You'd think after 11 years he would snap to that fact. Oh well!

I don't know if the time will go as planned. I can see G having to make a trip to Alamo City during this weekend. I just can't predict what is going to happen. I just hope we make it to the Ranchito instead of only getting to Alamo City.

Hope you have a great Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I'll bet you do too. If you are traveling, please be careful.

Craziness

I would say it is holiday crazies, but it's not close enough for that. I guess I need about six hours more in a day. I honestly don't know where the day goes. It simply evaporates.

My port is history. It was removed a week ago yesterday. I still have the strip bandage sutures. They continue to stick well, but alas, I really believe I am allergic to them since there is some nasty redness at the ends of each one. I surely am not going to peel them off however. I know I am not healed enough.

I was afraid they were only going to use a local anesthetic. I told my surgeon I really didn't want to listen to all that. So they used conscious sedation. I was a little apprehensive because during the colonoscopies, I was awake - completely! I watched as the doctor perused my colon. There was no pain, but I could tell you each twist and turn he made. It was interesting.

I was awake and aware during the beginning of this removal surgery. I knew when he made the incision, but they must have given me a real push of drugs because I was surprised when they had me move from the operating table back to the gurney, and the surgeon was long gone! All in all it was very simple.

I have had days of doubting lately. I read a magazine I picked up in the oncologist's office. There were three women, basketball coaches, who had breast cancer. It returned in all three of them. One took seventeen years. Now I doubt I will have to worry about seventeen years from now. I would be nearing 80. I do worry about 3-5 years from now.

All I can do is keep my appointments for check ups, and pray I have good doctors.

Hope your weekend was good, and now there is a new one on the horizon. Hope it is good for you. Mine is shaping up to be BUSY!! At least we will be home and not on the road. I'll just be sewing my fingers off getting ready for our little village's Christmas in the Park. Daughter and I usually do well there with out little craft booth.

Bits of dust from the ol' attic

After spending the weekend last week at Ranchito SSB, going through San Antonio to see how father-in-law was doing. The trip was originally to determine how they were going to handle getting by. Both of them are not capable of taking care of themselves and need to have someont with them all the time. Sister-in-law has been with them for six months, but they (parents) have been getting on her case about everything. So "the boys" (the brothers) were going to meet with Dad. He ended up in the hospital after falling from an apparent stroke. It is a bad situation.

I have been keeping Doodle Bug while K works. She is quite demanding and has a terrible temper. Wednesday was the absolute worst. I would have liked to drown her at points, but God made babies cute so we wouldn’t do things like that! Her dad had kept her for two days, and we are definitely different (and not in the most obvious ways!). To make that long story short - I have very little free time these days!

Last week, I thought I had the answer to her temper. When she got angry, it was usually because she was tired and needed to nap. I would swaddle her, she would fall asleep, sleep for 45 minutes, and wake in a good mood. This week, swaddling made her even more angry! We finally came to peaceful terms by Friday, but I’m dreading Monday. I haven't had her for two days now.

The best news is that I will have my port-a-cath removed on Tuesday morning. I am thrilled. One more step to being a survivor. The surgeon talked about doing a local, but when I went for the pre-op on Friday, they indicated that I would be put under. I have mixed feelings about that situation. I’m not sure I want to experience that procedure, but being put under is another situation all together. These people put me under twice in February, so I just need to trust them.

This week also brought a crisis with the in-laws. Sister-in-law had enough of parents and left. They had been riding her case even though they couldn’t still be in their home if she wasn’t living with them, but they don’t realize just how valuable she is. We had many frantic calls among the brothers. They came up with a plan to cover the parents, but their sister went back to the parents. Don’t know the outcome of this, but I think it won’t be good - at all.

NowI must leave you all. I have to get dinner ready for the family gathering here at my house - again. Thank heavens for slow cookers - especially the new ones that are so nice and big that you can prepare a meal for six to eight people.

Have a good one, whatever it is.

Yea!

Just a quick note here - I'm trying to overcome my arthritic stiffness to get the troup carrier for the trip to the SSB for the weekend. Gotta watch our property since our 16 year old nephew will be there along with (probably) 15 or so of his closest friends for the youth hunt weekend. Since the little place they hunt is surrounded by the rest of the family, he doesn't think a thing in this world about just using our feeders while he is there. At least he will not qualify for this youth only weekend again. He will be too old!

The real news is that in about a week, either Friday, November 2, or Tuesday, November November 6, I will be rid of the port-a-cath! I am sooooo glad! I may be imagining it all, but since it has been a good two months since it was flushed, I think I am having some issues with it. Regardless, the area is tender and always has been. But I get rid of it!

That is the big news. Funny how small things become so important. It's just another step toward feeling like a survivor instead of a patient.

Ya'll have a good weekend!

Families

According to Jeff Foxworthy, "You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion to get a date."
We went to a family reunion Saturday. I was looking around, and realized that for my grandchildren (ages seven, three and three months), they could at some point go to the family reunions and look for a date because the lines of being related are really stretched. Their generation would be something like fourth or fifth cousins in some cases! I guess that would certainly make them rednecks!

We now have the fourth generations coming to this reunion. This is my father-in-law’s family, and the reunions began about 35 years ago. There were originally ten children in that family. It was five boys followed by five girls. There are only two of the boys left now, the oldest is about 91, and there are four girls left. The youngest is in her 70's. The first reunions were predominantly first and second generations (if we begin only with those 10 children).

When the reunion began, their children (us, in other words) were either newly married or not married. Many of them were still in school. Now we all have children, grandchildren, and one who married at 16 (!!) has great-grandchildren. Those children are fourth cousins. And there is a bunch of them!
It is interesting watching the family grow. With that growth, I find myself wondering if our children and those of their generation will want to continue this tradition. Back 30 years ago, I would have never dreamed that I would look forward to these gatherings. I thought when the previous generation was not able to organize them anymore, they would cease.

My generation has slipped into the organization role. Of the ten children, only five procreated. And of that only four had more than one child who is interested in this type of thing. The fifth family remained rather aloof, so their little chick didn’t interact with the cousins at all. These four families have picked up the gauntlet, and for the last 10 years, we have taken care of planning the reunions. I wonder what will happen with our kids (the "grandchildren" in this cast of characters) are of age to step up.

Lady Bug was busily playing with her distant cousins before lunch. She was having a great time. At lunch she rejoined us and her parents. She exclaimed "I’m related to all these people!" She was so amazed at that prospect. Her horizons suddenly broadened. Perhaps there is hope for this little family reunion!

This year she has been to the German hill country family reunion occurring in July. It never struck her that she was related to all those people also. Perhaps that is partially because there simply weren’t as many younger kids there.

I have become fascinated with researching our families. I have most branches of my family traced back many, many generations. It is a subject that has me addicted!

I hope Lady Bug really begins to appreciate family ties!

My son

This is not my planned post. I had another one already written and ready to post. God has a funny way of snapping us upright, letting us know that we are not the real planners of our lives. Things happen beyond our control. I had not planned to spend ten months of life in a battle with cancer. I didn’t plan to lose my right breast and my hair. I had not planned for major radiation burns on the upper right quadrant of my body. But it happened.

My son is worried about me. I guess he has a right to be in such a state. I can see the worry in his eyes.

His best friend’s mother also had breast cancer. She has the mastectomy, chemo, and radiation, just like me. She was on the pills to keep the estrogen level down, just like me.

The only difference on the surface is that she reached her five years on the pill, stopped and now she has recurrence. From what my daughter in law says, she has cancer in the other breast, liver, lung and heart.

I would like to think she didn’t take care of herself. I would like to think she didn’t follow up on appointments. I would like to think her doctor didn’t do everything possible here. I would like to think they never measured the enzyme levels or performed CAT scans after the initial ones.

B is so worried. He is just sure that five years from now I’ll quit taking my pill and have the cancer take me over. That thought is surely in my head also.

So I try to put on the brave front. I tell him I’ll be 67 then. I will have lived a long life. I tell him that I believe K H had been taking Tamoxfen, and I am taking Femara. There are fewer cancers associated with Femara. I hope that is the case, and I won’t be facing recurrences of cancer.

I told him that cancer is an chronic condition that I will just have to keep fighting. He is scared by that. He doesn’t say anything to that statement, but I can see his face.

At first, I was sure that I had beaten this thing. Even though it was a Stage 2, I was sure that I had beaten it. After chemo, I would have placed bets on it. Then during radiation, my resolve began to weaken.

Just a couple of days ago I was reading a cancer magazine for women in the oncologist’s office. It had a story about women’s basketball coaches. One was free of cancer for seventeen years. SEVENTEEN YEARS! It recurred.

Why would I have any better luck. KH is apparently doing nothing about her recurrence right now with the exception of a homeopathic treatment - she is drinking peroxide in her water to "reduce her acid levels." She is doing no chemo, no radiation. Nothing. She doesn’t want anyone to know about her situation. With her initial onset, she lost her job, and she doesn’t want that to happen again.

If she has the resources, she needs to use them. She will be a first time grandmother in March. She owes it to that baby to try to live.

On the other hand, perhaps the cancer is so wide spread it cannot be treated. Perhaps the peroxide is the only treatment she has. I watched the show "Crazy, Sexy Cancer. She had no real treatment options. She had to resort to the macrobiotic diet. It seemed to work. I guess that’s where KH is now. She may be in the situation where the treatment to kill the cancer would kill the patient.

I cannot help but wonder where I will be in five years. I wonder what I will be doing to survive at that time.

Health insurance - bah!

Although I shouldn't really feel that way - I hope!

I have survived my two days of blood work and oncology appointments and all is well. I was with the radiation oncologist yesterday. Everything is normal - including some of the pains I feel. They are apparently nerve regeneration. I am on a four month recall with them.

It was so nice to see all the folks that work there. I told the receptionist that, in a strange way, I miss coming out there. I think about the people I met while waiting for treatment. We developed a connection.

That presents an interesting problem. The clinic is no longer covered by my insurance plan. They have never said a word about it with the exception of the final visit at the end of the radiation when Dr. Behind (my comrades getting radiation named him that because he never looks at his patients - all we see is his behind), who is the main doc commented on what my insurance was. I have never gotten a bill from these people at all. So . . through this year they are looking at 4 month recalls, then 6 month, then a year, and so on. G tells me that because of "continuity of care" I will be grandfathered in with them. We'll see. I just play dumb!

I went to Dr. Poison, my ordinary oncologist. I am on four month recall with him also. He said that from my blood work I am tolerating the Remara well. He also said I could have my port removed. I had told him that I needed to have it flushed. He asked why I wanted to keep it. I said I certainly didn't. I just thought I would have to wait a year. I don't have to!!

This beings a new problem. My surgeon is not in my plan. Now he never charged me a dime over my usual co-pay of $25. I should have paid at least another 20% of his bill. Not a word. There is a part of me that almost hates to call him. I really think he makes most of his money on bariatric surgery. He does the by pass as well as the clamp. But I don't want another surgeon poking around in there. I really like this man. So I guess I'll give him a call!

It wasn't until I was talking with daughter yesterday that I found that my insurance is better than I thought. Her options for insurance at work do not allow for any cancer treatments - not a single option. I've been really blessed. I have only paid the co-pay for all the regular oncologist appointments and chemo sessions, and two co-pays for the surgeon. Nothing for the hospital, nothing for radiation.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm really here

Yes I AM still alive and kicking. Perhaps kicking too much! I have been really busy, and that's a good thing. There are so many projects that I have been not doing. It's nice to have spurts of energy that mean I can get things done.

I painted a part of the upstairs ceiling. When we re-roofed, I had the 25 foot sky light taken out. It was at the peak of the roof, and the east end of it never looked like it was fitted into the roof properly. Besides in this climate, it made the house (upstairs mainly) way too hot. There was just too much sunlight coming in even though it was supposed to be double insulated. Now the hall downstairs is REALLY dark, but I really think we are saving energy.

I surely got off track there. The place where the sky light was needed paint. It was just raw green board. It got done!! It's not perfect, but it will do until I have a professional come in because I want the entire ceiling done, and that will require a scaffold. I don't put my body ten feet in the air to paint - anything!

I am scheduled for check ups this week. I though I would have had one already today, but they had to change the appointment from 10am to 2 pm. I thought things would work out beautifully. Since I changed the regular oncologist appointment (see the last post for that fiasco), I thought I could have my fasting blood taken early, go over to the hospital for breakfast, then to the radiation oncologist. Nope! Didn't work that way. But that's the way things seem to be going.

I am really fighting the battle of the bulge. I really thought chemo would make me lose weight. Nope - I gained. Now the pill seems to be adding to things as well. I'm just not ready for Adkins Induction or West Beach Level One just yet. I'm still enjoying my carbs (perhaps too much). I rationalize with the fact that "I'm still healing from all that stuff." At this rate, there will be a lot of grease from my cremation. Sorry that was crude. That kind of stuff just slips out from time to time. I ought to delete it!

My moods are still wildly switching. It doesn't take much for me to lose all patience. My temper is doing just fine, thank you. I really have to watch it. I tend to lash out easily, but I try to keep it to inanimate objects when no one else is around. That is one thing I really don't like, and I am really trying to change it. Yesterday I really cursed the mini blind bracket that fell and didn't cooperate with me to go back up. Simone decided her crate in our bedroom was the best place in the house to be! Shame on me!

I guess things will get on more of an even keel someday. I surely hope so. Otherwise I am really going to be lonely. And hugely fat.

The chronicle of my life

I have not had to use a day runner/calendar since I was working/teaching with two kids at home. My little experience with the little c (cancer) has changed all of that! It is a critical possession. I am lost without it. It holds all of my appointments.

When we last went to El Rancho SSB, I left it on the coffee table. It was in the same bag as my knitting. I was thinking that I wouldn't be doing any knitting, and I wanted to have the needles there so I could teach my sister-in-law how to knit. That thinking must have been the over riding thought because that bag was left. I didn't think about the day runner - that is until we were at least 75 miles away. That is certainly the point of no return.

I knew I didn't have any appointments that were immediately pressing. That in itself was a wonderful change from the previous months. I knew I had a follow up with the oncologist and the radiation oncologist, and I knew they were both together, one following the other.

One of the problems for me not having the calendar is that I couldn't check it daily and make notes in it. With my ever present "chemo brain" I have difficulty keeping up the the date. My concept of time is skewed - alot!

When we got there, in my mind, it was a week later than actual time. I was literally freaked out because I thought my oncologist appointment was today. Any other appointment would have been just fine, but I need to have my blood work done at least a day ahead. There was no time for that!

I called the office yesterday to change the appointment. I am still thinking a week ahead. Fortunately they weren't, but were probably wondering why I was so upset. What can I say? I didn't have my calendar for three weeks!

As it turns out, everything is better. The appointments are next week. I can go out, get the blood work done, and then see the radiation oncologist all on one day. Then the next day I can see the oncologist the next. It means one less trip.

Stupid "chemo brain."

The flip side

I am becoming more and more convinced that along with cancer comes a kind of wierd bi-polar disorder. One moment I may be laughing at something, and the next I am moved to tears. That certainly keeps one on an even keel (ha).

I was so pleased that I had enough energy to actually do something, but then the ugly flip side reared its ugly head. I am back where I was before radiation. I CANNOT go to sleep. This has been my life for three nights now. Where does that leave me today? Exhausted!!

I have tried the Tylenol PM which worked well for a while. I have tried the Ambien, which has mixed reviews with me. Neither is working well right now. I still lay in bed, tossing and turning. I'm about to hit the stash of hydrocodonone that was left over from the lumpectomy and ensuing mastectomy. I'm really just kidding about that though because I sometimes have a terrible reaction to that stuff.

Not being able to go to sleep is a malady I have had most of my adult life. I just can't turn off my brain. Now that my energy level is higher during the day, I lay there thinking of just what I could accomplish the following day. I try to just have my brain go blank, but it doesn't work. Menopause has only added to this problem. It is such fun.

At least I'm not having night sweats that I thought I very well might have as a result of the chemo pill that I am taking. It has put me through some usually occurring between 8-10 pm, but I can't put my not sleeping off to that pill.

It's so annoying to have to almost completely become sleep deprived before I can fall asleep. This must be hereditary because my son has the same problem. I used to tell him it's because he didn't follow a set pattern that most doctors recommend to fall asleep easily. He was like a typical teen. He would stay up until all hours, then on the weekends he would try to sleep all day. Now, in is thirties, he still has the problem to some degree. At least he doesn't have to face menopause.

I can just hope that my schedule will normalize somewhat. Either that or G and I will end up like his parents - we HAVE to have separate bedrooms so I can stay up all night and sleep all day while he gets up early to go to work (even though the parents don't have that kind of schedule).

On another topic, the burns I thought would never heal are healed, and I'm about through with the peeling from them. This means I can begin looking toward reconstruction. That's really good news. I thought I would not be healed until the first of the year. It is bad news because I'm supposed to begin keeping Doodle Bug the middle of this month. Well, things will work out!