The other night when I was having trouble sleeping, I decided to explore an antiqe wash stand that sits beside the bed. Two drawers used to hold hose - when I was teaching and had to wear the vile things everyday.
I haven't been through one of the sections in a looooooong time. So I opened it. There were papers there which upon closed inspection turned out to be old scrap books. I mean 1930's old. One that is particularly brittle was my mother's scrapbook from high school! She graduated in 1932 to give you a frame of reference.
I found all sorts of pictures there, including a tin type of a great grandfather. So I decided I would get a really nice album to put these pictures in. I have done that once with some pictures that only went back about 50 years. I nicely labeled them, posted them, and gave the album to Daughter. I am going to do the same with this.
I know I want the pictures in it, but I'm, not sure what I want to do with some of the other things that were collected by a high school girl. She has all sorts of awards and other school paraphernalia there. I will probably put it in the album.
That got me thinking about my own high school scrap book. It is gone. It can never be found again. It was in the house at the lake. I saw bits and pieces of it scattered about the house post vandals. Now that property is gone. G would have had a fit had I gone about picking up those things. He is not the type for that!
I worked on that for about 2 hours, and then decided I was tired. I tried to get up and was reminded in full force that I overdid it yesterday!
G was going to the grocery store. I announced I was going along. Well, it cost a fortune, but at least there is food in the house to eat. With him having gone the last month, we sometimes come up lacking on somethings. I usually don't eat a full meal at once, so I like a little snack in there. Now I have some low calorie things that hold me over until the next meal. But I made the entire store!!
Then I wanted to take Lady Bug to the craft store so she could pick out her fabric for her scrap book that I will make a monogrammed cover for. I also wanted to look for glass bricks. I understand Hobby Lobby had them, and I think they have a light with them, for $10. I have an idea for our summer craft show.
We got the fabric, and I was starting to feel the "good knee" (as in not operated on yet) really hurt. I did make it across the store to get the album I needed, but honestly, I didn't think I could finish. I never found those darn bricks.
So I'll have to go again some other day - when I'm not sore. I am now. I really overdid yesterday, but it was so nice to get out and be free again!!
Peace.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Another battle
I have been thinking about this for several days now. When reading blogs the other day, one blogger said she didn't know how a woman could "let herself go." You know, that is a really good question. If the answer were an easy one, whoever found it would be a multi-billionaire.
I have battled weight for most of my life. It is only recently, while looking at pictures of myself in childhood, that I wasn't as fat as my parents let on. I also have come to this realization after looking at my children and grandchildren.
One of my earliest memories was shopping for school clothes. My dad made a comment because I was X age (can't remember!!) and wore a X+ (some size up). His idea was, for example, if you were six years old, you wore a size 6 dress. That stung me. I worshiped my dad.
My kids, and now my grandchildren, all wear clothes that are larger than their age. Skinny Lady Bug is 9. She wears a 10 or 12 shirt. That child is not fat. Wiggle Worm is 1, he wears 18 mo to 2 year. This was the same with their parents.
So, with me, the dye was cast. My role was to be fat. I wore clothes bigger than my age, so that was that. I was not obese however, but I was larger. I look at my daughter now. She is probably about my then size. She is not fat. She also has a positive body image that I never had - I never said anything about her weight nor size. And I sure didn't make it a bad thing that at age 8 she wore a 10-12.
So what does this have to do with where I am today. I think my body image. I held onto the notion I was fat. So what did another 5 pounds matter? In those early days, weight loss was easy. I remember my dad telling me that later it wouldn't be. Boy was he right.
I was also an only child. Food became my friend early on. With every hurt, every insult, all boredom, it was a constant. Then there was cleaning up the leftovers from the kids and so on. It just built up and built up.
Two years before the cancer diagnosis, I lost about 50 pounds (yes, there was more to go). Then I got the diagnosis, and with it chemo. With chemo they gave me high doses of steroids. Now, we all know about steroids, don't we?
I never made the connection with the weight I had gained with the drug until I was sitting in the radiation waiting room. Another breast cancer survivor said she turned down chemo (gasp!) because she didn't want to gain the weight that went along with it. Well, that helps to explain it. I knew the feeling of despair that I had which lead to me not caring about what I was eating, but wow! It was true - I had nearly absolute zero nausea. (I thought chemo would make me lose weight - I envisioned the "typical cancer patient".)
Well - here we are today. I thought I was doomed because I just couldn't find the will power. I'm here alone all day - bored. When I finally snapped I could spend the day upstairs - away from food - crafting, I also decided I would have my knee done. I hadn't lost any weight though - even staying upstairs all day.
I had the knee done - stayed in the hospital for five days - the first two on a cardiac diet. Food turned on me. It tasted terrible. I lost about 10 pounds according to my cardio doc's scale. Food still doesn't taste good most of the time. I am on the weight loss train again.
Will it last? I don't know. Menopause is not kind to us, women. The anti-cancer pill keeps estrogen from being produced. That adds to the problem. It isn't going to be nearly as easy this time, but I am on my way again along this well traveled road. The ruts are deep. I just hope there is something worthwhile at the end.
It has taken a lot for me to not delete this post. I really am not feeling sorry for myself. The issue of weight is not pure and simple. A doctor I had 30 years ago was from Alabama. He said that he remembered those razor back hogs. Some would gain weight easily, and some never gained an ounce. He thought people were like that too. I believe it. Son, Lady Bug, and my dad were that way. Mom, Daughter, me - nope. The issue of over weight is so complex. I wish there was an answer.
(Just a little side note here. My bathroom scale is a trip! Depending on where it is on the floor and how I stand on it, I can lose 10 pounds by just moving it!)
I have battled weight for most of my life. It is only recently, while looking at pictures of myself in childhood, that I wasn't as fat as my parents let on. I also have come to this realization after looking at my children and grandchildren.
One of my earliest memories was shopping for school clothes. My dad made a comment because I was X age (can't remember!!) and wore a X+ (some size up). His idea was, for example, if you were six years old, you wore a size 6 dress. That stung me. I worshiped my dad.
My kids, and now my grandchildren, all wear clothes that are larger than their age. Skinny Lady Bug is 9. She wears a 10 or 12 shirt. That child is not fat. Wiggle Worm is 1, he wears 18 mo to 2 year. This was the same with their parents.
So, with me, the dye was cast. My role was to be fat. I wore clothes bigger than my age, so that was that. I was not obese however, but I was larger. I look at my daughter now. She is probably about my then size. She is not fat. She also has a positive body image that I never had - I never said anything about her weight nor size. And I sure didn't make it a bad thing that at age 8 she wore a 10-12.
So what does this have to do with where I am today. I think my body image. I held onto the notion I was fat. So what did another 5 pounds matter? In those early days, weight loss was easy. I remember my dad telling me that later it wouldn't be. Boy was he right.
I was also an only child. Food became my friend early on. With every hurt, every insult, all boredom, it was a constant. Then there was cleaning up the leftovers from the kids and so on. It just built up and built up.
Two years before the cancer diagnosis, I lost about 50 pounds (yes, there was more to go). Then I got the diagnosis, and with it chemo. With chemo they gave me high doses of steroids. Now, we all know about steroids, don't we?
I never made the connection with the weight I had gained with the drug until I was sitting in the radiation waiting room. Another breast cancer survivor said she turned down chemo (gasp!) because she didn't want to gain the weight that went along with it. Well, that helps to explain it. I knew the feeling of despair that I had which lead to me not caring about what I was eating, but wow! It was true - I had nearly absolute zero nausea. (I thought chemo would make me lose weight - I envisioned the "typical cancer patient".)
Well - here we are today. I thought I was doomed because I just couldn't find the will power. I'm here alone all day - bored. When I finally snapped I could spend the day upstairs - away from food - crafting, I also decided I would have my knee done. I hadn't lost any weight though - even staying upstairs all day.
I had the knee done - stayed in the hospital for five days - the first two on a cardiac diet. Food turned on me. It tasted terrible. I lost about 10 pounds according to my cardio doc's scale. Food still doesn't taste good most of the time. I am on the weight loss train again.
Will it last? I don't know. Menopause is not kind to us, women. The anti-cancer pill keeps estrogen from being produced. That adds to the problem. It isn't going to be nearly as easy this time, but I am on my way again along this well traveled road. The ruts are deep. I just hope there is something worthwhile at the end.
It has taken a lot for me to not delete this post. I really am not feeling sorry for myself. The issue of weight is not pure and simple. A doctor I had 30 years ago was from Alabama. He said that he remembered those razor back hogs. Some would gain weight easily, and some never gained an ounce. He thought people were like that too. I believe it. Son, Lady Bug, and my dad were that way. Mom, Daughter, me - nope. The issue of over weight is so complex. I wish there was an answer.
(Just a little side note here. My bathroom scale is a trip! Depending on where it is on the floor and how I stand on it, I can lose 10 pounds by just moving it!)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I knew tthat - just didn't think
I am a voracious reader. I read in the car on the way to the SSB. I can't think of a better way to spend 5 hours! I read while waiting for appointments. I read before I turn off the light at night. SO stage is set.
Last night I was reading a book by an author new to me. Usually I like to read mysteries, but then there are many times I do branch out to other "just good ole stories" (my own personal genre). This book is set in Kansas in modern times, but the heroine, who married into this family, is enamored with the history of the land. I can fully relate.
Before she married, she found a journal written by the woman who was the original owner's wife. Ooh, I hate that. Sounds like chattel!! The woman describes how life was in those early days, and how little they had.
She talks about living in a tent in the beginning until another farm family had enough wood to build them a modest shelter. There was no glass for the windows, and there was no real door. The openings were covered with a burlap like materials.
She then went on to describe the weather. That is the hot topic everywhere these days. Extreme cold, extreme snow, the summer extreme heat, etc. The point was made as to how Kansas could experience the bitter Canadian cold in the winter, and the Northern Mexican heat in the summer. Now, I knew that. Did I think about it before - really, no.
At least I can sit here in Swampland Surburb and know that while we occasionally have exremes, like last summer and this winter, basically, at least so far, we have a pretty even range of temperatures. We should know that the summer is going to be hot and steamy (it's not the heat - it's the humidity), and usually most of our winter is light jacket weather.
That's kind of how it is in life. We know that things can be so much worse, but they usually aren't. We just forget. With spring right around the corner, I hope it can jog our memories so that we can think about just how good things really are! It is, after all, a time of renewal.
Peace.
Last night I was reading a book by an author new to me. Usually I like to read mysteries, but then there are many times I do branch out to other "just good ole stories" (my own personal genre). This book is set in Kansas in modern times, but the heroine, who married into this family, is enamored with the history of the land. I can fully relate.
Before she married, she found a journal written by the woman who was the original owner's wife. Ooh, I hate that. Sounds like chattel!! The woman describes how life was in those early days, and how little they had.
She talks about living in a tent in the beginning until another farm family had enough wood to build them a modest shelter. There was no glass for the windows, and there was no real door. The openings were covered with a burlap like materials.
She then went on to describe the weather. That is the hot topic everywhere these days. Extreme cold, extreme snow, the summer extreme heat, etc. The point was made as to how Kansas could experience the bitter Canadian cold in the winter, and the Northern Mexican heat in the summer. Now, I knew that. Did I think about it before - really, no.
At least I can sit here in Swampland Surburb and know that while we occasionally have exremes, like last summer and this winter, basically, at least so far, we have a pretty even range of temperatures. We should know that the summer is going to be hot and steamy (it's not the heat - it's the humidity), and usually most of our winter is light jacket weather.
That's kind of how it is in life. We know that things can be so much worse, but they usually aren't. We just forget. With spring right around the corner, I hope it can jog our memories so that we can think about just how good things really are! It is, after all, a time of renewal.
Peace.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Weather forecasters
Following a summer where those clowns on TV couldn't stand in front of a map of the tropics to shout total destruction by a hurricane, we now have an unusual winter. It really is, and they are really enjoying the strangeness of the situation.
Most of Swampland will not have any snow today. It will fall more to the north. Here in Swampland surburb, we may get a stray flake or two, but it won't be anything but rain. Cold, miserable rain. Our freeway overpasses and other bridges may freeze, but that in itself isn't too unusual for winter.
This silliness began last week when they saw this particular front out there on the west coast. One weather clown began with the s word. Soon they were all following suit. Now they are all saying they were the first to forecast snow! They are also busy looking at the weather history to see how this winter aligns with other winters.
It's sad to say that as soon as we get out of this weird weather we will be close to hurricane season again. I. Can. Hardly. Wait.
Peace.
Most of Swampland will not have any snow today. It will fall more to the north. Here in Swampland surburb, we may get a stray flake or two, but it won't be anything but rain. Cold, miserable rain. Our freeway overpasses and other bridges may freeze, but that in itself isn't too unusual for winter.
This silliness began last week when they saw this particular front out there on the west coast. One weather clown began with the s word. Soon they were all following suit. Now they are all saying they were the first to forecast snow! They are also busy looking at the weather history to see how this winter aligns with other winters.
It's sad to say that as soon as we get out of this weird weather we will be close to hurricane season again. I. Can. Hardly. Wait.
Peace.
Monday, February 22, 2010
CAUTION; FRAGILE, HANDLE WITH CARE
That pretty much sums up family relationships around this place. I have known that DIL is especially edgy, and I try to handle her with kid gloves as it is. Our previous history wasn't good. When she and Son were dating, she would break up and then they would go back. It was about to kill him. At this point I have to add that she was 18 at the time and he was 23. Still, it was killing him, thus it was killing me. I had finally had enough and advised him to just move on. They got back together, and DIL and I have gotten closer (I think).
SIL and DIL really do not like one another. SIL is loud, brusk, and brags too much about nothing. We all know this. It comes from his family. They never had anything. When he was in high school, they moved over 15 times. Usually the move involved leaving owing money. This all happened in a small town. He had a rough time. Anyway they mix like oil and water, but make an effort (I thought).
Saturday was Wiggle Worm's real party. It was held at the home of friends - not family. They are well off, and the party was outside. The weather wasn't really conducive for an outdoor party, but they have a pool house. I knew I wasn't going to be walking around, so I found a glider and sat. I talked with one of DIL's aunts and a couple of cousins until they moved on to something else.
When G's elderly aunts arrived, they sat near me until we really got cold, so I suggested we move into the pool house. One of the aunts had knee surgery about six months ago, and we sat together for a while comparing notes.
The party was to go from 2-5. At 4, the cake hadn't been cut nor presents opened. The adults were around the bar getting their antifreeze downed. Someone finally suggested we do the pinata for the kids and the cake thing. No move toward the presents. It was 5. G didn't feel well to begin with, so he was ready to go. Daughter and her brood were going, and the aunties were going - they had a 25 mile trip home, and don't drive at night.
The next day, Daughter called me to tell me that DIL's brother was "bad mouthing" us to the rest of the family. He was saying that we thought we were so much better than anyone else and on and on. It was like someone had punched me in the stomach. We have always been friendly with that family. G even was talking to him right after we got there. I could go on, but really am dumfounded.
Daughter posted on Facebook. DIL saw it, and she texted Daughter. Son called Daughter, and was told what happened. This was all before we had dinner here. I was really worried about dinner last night. I didn't know if there was resolution or not. Apparently there was. Things went smoothly. But it still bothers me.
I just don't know what we did to this young man. I haven't heard from Daughter yet today. I really don't know what is going on at this point. But as I said, family relationships are very, very fragile. I really thought we had a good relationship between these families. You just never know.
Peace
SIL and DIL really do not like one another. SIL is loud, brusk, and brags too much about nothing. We all know this. It comes from his family. They never had anything. When he was in high school, they moved over 15 times. Usually the move involved leaving owing money. This all happened in a small town. He had a rough time. Anyway they mix like oil and water, but make an effort (I thought).
Saturday was Wiggle Worm's real party. It was held at the home of friends - not family. They are well off, and the party was outside. The weather wasn't really conducive for an outdoor party, but they have a pool house. I knew I wasn't going to be walking around, so I found a glider and sat. I talked with one of DIL's aunts and a couple of cousins until they moved on to something else.
When G's elderly aunts arrived, they sat near me until we really got cold, so I suggested we move into the pool house. One of the aunts had knee surgery about six months ago, and we sat together for a while comparing notes.
The party was to go from 2-5. At 4, the cake hadn't been cut nor presents opened. The adults were around the bar getting their antifreeze downed. Someone finally suggested we do the pinata for the kids and the cake thing. No move toward the presents. It was 5. G didn't feel well to begin with, so he was ready to go. Daughter and her brood were going, and the aunties were going - they had a 25 mile trip home, and don't drive at night.
The next day, Daughter called me to tell me that DIL's brother was "bad mouthing" us to the rest of the family. He was saying that we thought we were so much better than anyone else and on and on. It was like someone had punched me in the stomach. We have always been friendly with that family. G even was talking to him right after we got there. I could go on, but really am dumfounded.
Daughter posted on Facebook. DIL saw it, and she texted Daughter. Son called Daughter, and was told what happened. This was all before we had dinner here. I was really worried about dinner last night. I didn't know if there was resolution or not. Apparently there was. Things went smoothly. But it still bothers me.
I just don't know what we did to this young man. I haven't heard from Daughter yet today. I really don't know what is going on at this point. But as I said, family relationships are very, very fragile. I really thought we had a good relationship between these families. You just never know.
Peace
Friday, February 19, 2010
Free!
Well, sort of. Today is the first day in about 18 that I haven't taken any pain medication - at all. No muscle relaxers, no pain med - nothing like that.
My brain is a little clearer than it has been. The eyes are really blurry, but it's just one of those days with thickened corneas that happens.
We (Daughter, Lady Bug and Monkey Boy and I) went out for Wiggle Worm's first birthday cake. It was special. I feel really bad about being upset about it before. It was the grandparents (well, minus G), DIL's God mother, and auntie (minus uncle and Doodle Bug). It was really sweet to share that first birthday cake with that little boy.
He's not too sure about all this. "All the other times I would be "disciplined" if he made a mess, and now they want me to!!" It was sweet, and I am glad I was there.
Now I am going to sneak upstairs. I made him a shirt for tomorrow - the official party, but I don't like it. When I get an idea, I tend to hold on to that idea and make the project. Now I have thought of a better way. That's why I bought two shirts!
Peace.
My brain is a little clearer than it has been. The eyes are really blurry, but it's just one of those days with thickened corneas that happens.
We (Daughter, Lady Bug and Monkey Boy and I) went out for Wiggle Worm's first birthday cake. It was special. I feel really bad about being upset about it before. It was the grandparents (well, minus G), DIL's God mother, and auntie (minus uncle and Doodle Bug). It was really sweet to share that first birthday cake with that little boy.
He's not too sure about all this. "All the other times I would be "disciplined" if he made a mess, and now they want me to!!" It was sweet, and I am glad I was there.
Now I am going to sneak upstairs. I made him a shirt for tomorrow - the official party, but I don't like it. When I get an idea, I tend to hold on to that idea and make the project. Now I have thought of a better way. That's why I bought two shirts!
Peace.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Oh, my!
The words of Dr Bones when he was reading the CT scan. That was followed up with something along the lines of "I don't know which was worse, the knee or the back." Great.
They he went on to say his goal is to make the knee hurt worst than the back. Well, thanks Doc! I love you too. His theory is that because the nerves are so impinged, the pain signal from the knee isn't getting through, so I am sitting here in bliss because the pain signal is blocked.
He has referred me to the Pain Management people. They (and he) do not believe in back surgery. I knew I loved him. So the plan is that I will see them, they will numb the back and give me four epidural shots.
Between you and me, I don't think the numbing of the back will do squat for what is coming! But I have to look for what will come. He is thinking 90% improvement. I would like to think 100%, but that is the school teacher coming out in me - shoot for the best.
So if I haven't heard from them by late morning tomorrow, I will call. Then the appointment will be made for sometime next week. Oh, please let there be relief. I could feel the pain shooting down from the lumbar region through my right buttocks heading for the leg. The left has twinges, but that right is ready to give me hell.
If I don't have considerable relief from this nerve impingement, I will not have the right knee done. I can feel now that a good deal of the pains I have felt are from the back problem. We'll see what each day brings.
Peace
They he went on to say his goal is to make the knee hurt worst than the back. Well, thanks Doc! I love you too. His theory is that because the nerves are so impinged, the pain signal from the knee isn't getting through, so I am sitting here in bliss because the pain signal is blocked.
He has referred me to the Pain Management people. They (and he) do not believe in back surgery. I knew I loved him. So the plan is that I will see them, they will numb the back and give me four epidural shots.
Between you and me, I don't think the numbing of the back will do squat for what is coming! But I have to look for what will come. He is thinking 90% improvement. I would like to think 100%, but that is the school teacher coming out in me - shoot for the best.
So if I haven't heard from them by late morning tomorrow, I will call. Then the appointment will be made for sometime next week. Oh, please let there be relief. I could feel the pain shooting down from the lumbar region through my right buttocks heading for the leg. The left has twinges, but that right is ready to give me hell.
If I don't have considerable relief from this nerve impingement, I will not have the right knee done. I can feel now that a good deal of the pains I have felt are from the back problem. We'll see what each day brings.
Peace
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Still going on
I tried to cut back on the muscle relaxers and pain pills yesterday. That wasn't such a good idea, so I am taking what seems to be the lowest amount I need. It still makes my brain fuzzy, and thoughts are so hard to form - and remember! But anyway!
One thing I wanted to share was Monkey Boy's comment about the scar on my knee. It is about 18 inches long, and I finally took most of the bandages off Sunday. Monkey Boy was sitting on the floor, and when he looked over he said "Grandma, that's a bad cut you've got there!" From the mouths of kids . . .
One of the effects of these pills is to make me a little more emotional. I knew it would happen, but I am so tired of being here. I don't think it would be so bad if I could go upstairs. Were it not for the pills, I think I could. But lightheaded and stairs don't mix well.
Another thing that is causing me a bit of a problem is Wiggle Worm. His birthday party (total blow out) is Saturday. His real birthday is tomorrow. They (parents) have decided that they will have cake tomorrow about 6:15-6:30.
This is a tough time for us down here in what DIL considers close to the "hood." G has been getting off at 4:30 to come home to care for me. He is behind at work, and plans to stay a little later for the rest of the week. Even so, we all down here (us and Daughter's family) don't eat until late.
We don't have a "rush hour." We have "rush hours." The time they have chosen are right in the middle of this time. It will be a bear to get to them. But if we don't. All hell will break loose - at least our ears will be burning like I don't know what.
It's really sad, but we don't know Wiggle Worm. We are the ones who come in last. After all DIL's family has been seen, and they do all the things they want with them - we are given a crumb of time.
With that last statement - it is time to stop! I don't know what/who is speaking here. I need to find out before this goes on. I may need to get these feelings buried again. Soon.
Peace
One thing I wanted to share was Monkey Boy's comment about the scar on my knee. It is about 18 inches long, and I finally took most of the bandages off Sunday. Monkey Boy was sitting on the floor, and when he looked over he said "Grandma, that's a bad cut you've got there!" From the mouths of kids . . .
One of the effects of these pills is to make me a little more emotional. I knew it would happen, but I am so tired of being here. I don't think it would be so bad if I could go upstairs. Were it not for the pills, I think I could. But lightheaded and stairs don't mix well.
Another thing that is causing me a bit of a problem is Wiggle Worm. His birthday party (total blow out) is Saturday. His real birthday is tomorrow. They (parents) have decided that they will have cake tomorrow about 6:15-6:30.
This is a tough time for us down here in what DIL considers close to the "hood." G has been getting off at 4:30 to come home to care for me. He is behind at work, and plans to stay a little later for the rest of the week. Even so, we all down here (us and Daughter's family) don't eat until late.
We don't have a "rush hour." We have "rush hours." The time they have chosen are right in the middle of this time. It will be a bear to get to them. But if we don't. All hell will break loose - at least our ears will be burning like I don't know what.
It's really sad, but we don't know Wiggle Worm. We are the ones who come in last. After all DIL's family has been seen, and they do all the things they want with them - we are given a crumb of time.
With that last statement - it is time to stop! I don't know what/who is speaking here. I need to find out before this goes on. I may need to get these feelings buried again. Soon.
Peace
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
More drama!
After leaving Dr Bone's office, I made the appointment for the CT scan for Saturday. Happy, happy times. I thought I would be well on my way to healing by Wednesday and the world was bright!
Saturday we arrived for the scan. They had me for an MRI. The receptionist was going to argue until I whipped out my copy of the orders. She then looked at her second page, which was my orders. There it was - CT scan. The problem - no technician to do that scan.
So we made the appointment for Monday. I already had an appointment with Dr Heart ( and I still can't figure out why), but I thought he wasn't that important. The scan was for 9am and the cardio was 10:15. Easy. I hope.
The dawn comes yesterday, and I haul myself out of bed. We eat a quick breakfast and head over the the center. We are there early, and there are just a bare sprinkling of other patients. I complete some forms and pay (first things first, you know). I go over to sit, and I am there for only about 5 minutes before I am called back.
I change clothes, fight with the lock on the locker, and then find they are waiting for me. I go to the room, hop on the table, get situated, and bam, I'm done! It is 8:45.
So we head over to Dr Heart. I get in - on time, but that meant a 30 minute wait anyway. I could tell he wasn't sure why I was there either, but that's ok. We were home by 11, amd G was on his way to work.
That meant I could take a nap. Which I did - until 3. I don't know why I slept so much, but I did.
I was amazed how well things clicked yesterday. Saturday, I was really upset with the whole thing. Now, hopefully, I will hear from Dr Bones today, and I will be on the way to no pain.
With no pain that means I will have my brain back. This fog is getting old. I don't know how the addicts do it. My brain just gives me little starts and stops. I hate it!
Peace
Saturday we arrived for the scan. They had me for an MRI. The receptionist was going to argue until I whipped out my copy of the orders. She then looked at her second page, which was my orders. There it was - CT scan. The problem - no technician to do that scan.
So we made the appointment for Monday. I already had an appointment with Dr Heart ( and I still can't figure out why), but I thought he wasn't that important. The scan was for 9am and the cardio was 10:15. Easy. I hope.
The dawn comes yesterday, and I haul myself out of bed. We eat a quick breakfast and head over the the center. We are there early, and there are just a bare sprinkling of other patients. I complete some forms and pay (first things first, you know). I go over to sit, and I am there for only about 5 minutes before I am called back.
I change clothes, fight with the lock on the locker, and then find they are waiting for me. I go to the room, hop on the table, get situated, and bam, I'm done! It is 8:45.
So we head over to Dr Heart. I get in - on time, but that meant a 30 minute wait anyway. I could tell he wasn't sure why I was there either, but that's ok. We were home by 11, amd G was on his way to work.
That meant I could take a nap. Which I did - until 3. I don't know why I slept so much, but I did.
I was amazed how well things clicked yesterday. Saturday, I was really upset with the whole thing. Now, hopefully, I will hear from Dr Bones today, and I will be on the way to no pain.
With no pain that means I will have my brain back. This fog is getting old. I don't know how the addicts do it. My brain just gives me little starts and stops. I hate it!
Peace
Friday, February 12, 2010
Same, same
I am so tired of being held hostage in my house. It wouldn't be so bad, but I am really afraid to venture upstairs. It's not going up that scares me, although right at the top there isn't anything to hold on to. That is scary.
It's coming down. When the sciatic nerve really kicks in, my left leg feels so weak. I just don't trust it. I have the walker close by. It wouldn't do stairs well. I can picture it now - me and the walker, at the bottom of the stairs, in one mangled mess!
Taking muscle relaxers and pain pills make me want to sleep - sleep - sleep. The weather doesn't help. It is nasty, cold and wet, but it isn't too cold. We are lucky in that. It could be so much worse. But put me on the couch in a blanket, and the temperatures are just perfect! Then before I know it, I'm asleep.
I'm anxious for the CAT tomorrow. I don't know where we go from there. I wish they hadn't been so booked up and we could have gotten in on Wednesday.
At least the pain in minimal because I haven't done any of the PT exercises. I talked to SIL last night and jokingly accused her of getting even with me for not having any pain. I also emailed G's aunt. I didn't want his uncle putting more pressure on her. He thinks she wasn't getting well soon enough.
So I'm off to rummage for something for lunch. I really don't know what I want. Then another dose of pills. And then ... yep, sleep - I'm sure.
Have a great weekend. For those in the snow and cold, I hope that stops soon.
Peace.
It's coming down. When the sciatic nerve really kicks in, my left leg feels so weak. I just don't trust it. I have the walker close by. It wouldn't do stairs well. I can picture it now - me and the walker, at the bottom of the stairs, in one mangled mess!
Taking muscle relaxers and pain pills make me want to sleep - sleep - sleep. The weather doesn't help. It is nasty, cold and wet, but it isn't too cold. We are lucky in that. It could be so much worse. But put me on the couch in a blanket, and the temperatures are just perfect! Then before I know it, I'm asleep.
I'm anxious for the CAT tomorrow. I don't know where we go from there. I wish they hadn't been so booked up and we could have gotten in on Wednesday.
At least the pain in minimal because I haven't done any of the PT exercises. I talked to SIL last night and jokingly accused her of getting even with me for not having any pain. I also emailed G's aunt. I didn't want his uncle putting more pressure on her. He thinks she wasn't getting well soon enough.
So I'm off to rummage for something for lunch. I really don't know what I want. Then another dose of pills. And then ... yep, sleep - I'm sure.
Have a great weekend. For those in the snow and cold, I hope that stops soon.
Peace.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
New development
This isn't exactly new, I have been having back problems for many, many years. I didn't mention this to Dr Bones because no other ortho really listened.
So yesterday was the day for my follow up visit. They took me back to take an x-ray. I told them the knee was great, but my back - oh my back. Dr Bones ordered a lumbar film too.
They got me into the room, and G and I sat for a bit. (the story about G is another one for later) It wasn't but a minute before Dr Bones blew into the exam room followed by his nurse (who is his right hand! She amazes me.) He looked at the x-ray of my back and said "oh, my!" Not good.
Nurse V began cutting the staples. Now that was an experience. It is what I shall dread about knee number two - if we can get this back under control. So, here they go - both talking and doing their thing. She is cutting, he talking about my back. I was about to just faint away!
To sum it up - I will have a CAT scan on my back. We had hoped for today, but they can't do it until Saturday. That's good. No one has to take time off. Then I will have some sort of injection in the nerve at either L5 or L6. I don't know if anyone ever heard me say that it is hurting on both sides, just the left is worse.
He said fixing the knee irritated the nerve more, and that's my problem. So until further medical action, it's pain pills and muscle relaxers for me! Being medicated like that coupled with this cold, wet weather, I sleep a lot. Thanks for all the comments and wishes. Means a lot.
Peace.
So yesterday was the day for my follow up visit. They took me back to take an x-ray. I told them the knee was great, but my back - oh my back. Dr Bones ordered a lumbar film too.
They got me into the room, and G and I sat for a bit. (the story about G is another one for later) It wasn't but a minute before Dr Bones blew into the exam room followed by his nurse (who is his right hand! She amazes me.) He looked at the x-ray of my back and said "oh, my!" Not good.
Nurse V began cutting the staples. Now that was an experience. It is what I shall dread about knee number two - if we can get this back under control. So, here they go - both talking and doing their thing. She is cutting, he talking about my back. I was about to just faint away!
To sum it up - I will have a CAT scan on my back. We had hoped for today, but they can't do it until Saturday. That's good. No one has to take time off. Then I will have some sort of injection in the nerve at either L5 or L6. I don't know if anyone ever heard me say that it is hurting on both sides, just the left is worse.
He said fixing the knee irritated the nerve more, and that's my problem. So until further medical action, it's pain pills and muscle relaxers for me! Being medicated like that coupled with this cold, wet weather, I sleep a lot. Thanks for all the comments and wishes. Means a lot.
Peace.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I called bone doctor's office yesterday morning. At least, I thought I did. My back and leg were hurting so much that I took two pain pills yesterday morning. I was concerned about taking more PT. I didn't think the session should cause this much pain.
When TJ the PT (I just had to do that), got here, I told him what was going on. There was only one exercise I cut back on. After PT I did feel pretty good, but that was a situation that didn't last long.
About 6:30, bone nurse called - finally. She said to not do some of the exercises that involved the hip, and come in tomorrow, as is scheduled. I think more is going to added to PT. I think TJ the PT thinks so too. He said I should call him when I get home, and then he will come for theapy.
I really wish my daughter would take a good long look at what I am going through. She is so much like me. If I hadn't been bull-headed when I was young, I don't think I would be in the shape I'm in. I moved furniture without help - so does she. Things that would be better waiting for help, she (and me in my day) just goes ahead and does whatever.
My mind is half fog right now. The single pain pill I took a while ago is kicking in.
Peace.
When TJ the PT (I just had to do that), got here, I told him what was going on. There was only one exercise I cut back on. After PT I did feel pretty good, but that was a situation that didn't last long.
About 6:30, bone nurse called - finally. She said to not do some of the exercises that involved the hip, and come in tomorrow, as is scheduled. I think more is going to added to PT. I think TJ the PT thinks so too. He said I should call him when I get home, and then he will come for theapy.
I really wish my daughter would take a good long look at what I am going through. She is so much like me. If I hadn't been bull-headed when I was young, I don't think I would be in the shape I'm in. I moved furniture without help - so does she. Things that would be better waiting for help, she (and me in my day) just goes ahead and does whatever.
My mind is half fog right now. The single pain pill I took a while ago is kicking in.
Peace.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Weekend pains
I thought, hoped, prayed, that my reaction to physical therapy would be a one time offer. I suffered through Friday, and Saturday wasn't bad at all. By Sunday evening, I was really suffering again.
The pain really does originate in the back, but the real pain is in the shin area. That muscle cramps terribly. And so it was doing Sunday afternoon. By Sunday night it was terrible again.
This morning when I opened my eyes, things were not bad. I thought it was over. Nope. It got worse and worse. I ended up taking two pain pills. In that fog, I called the doctor's office - come to think of it they haven't called back.
I spent the day sleeping - and another PT session. So far so good. We'll see what happens.
Today was a really nice day. Tomorrow, it will be the pits. There is talk about snow again. Wait, wait!! We live in the SOUTH!! That means no snow!
I feel sorry for those who are trapped in such snows. I know you are tired of it. We can only hope for some moderation of the weather soon.
LB got into a bit of trouble at school last week. I'll share it tomorrow. I think the couch is calling me for another nap!
Peace
The pain really does originate in the back, but the real pain is in the shin area. That muscle cramps terribly. And so it was doing Sunday afternoon. By Sunday night it was terrible again.
This morning when I opened my eyes, things were not bad. I thought it was over. Nope. It got worse and worse. I ended up taking two pain pills. In that fog, I called the doctor's office - come to think of it they haven't called back.
I spent the day sleeping - and another PT session. So far so good. We'll see what happens.
Today was a really nice day. Tomorrow, it will be the pits. There is talk about snow again. Wait, wait!! We live in the SOUTH!! That means no snow!
I feel sorry for those who are trapped in such snows. I know you are tired of it. We can only hope for some moderation of the weather soon.
LB got into a bit of trouble at school last week. I'll share it tomorrow. I think the couch is calling me for another nap!
Peace
Friday, February 05, 2010
The great equilizer
Physical therapy. Yes, that brings us back down to reality. I had my first serious PT session today.
TJ came to the house. We started with ankle flexes. OK! Can do those all day. But then things got more serious - a lot more serious.
Earlier in the day, I got an email from SIL. She was glad that I had weathered the surgery so well. She said her first two days were sheer hell, and probably even a half working epidural had helped. I'm sure it must have.
In the last of her email was to be nice to the physical therapist. Now I understand.
I am supposed to do those *&^$^&&(, I mean rehabilitating, exercises three times a day. Hummmm, I really don't think so. This afternoon I noticed that I was leaking a little more, and it was rather fresh. I wonder what those staples look like.
Ah, the might has been brought to her (wait for it) knees.
Peace.
TJ came to the house. We started with ankle flexes. OK! Can do those all day. But then things got more serious - a lot more serious.
Earlier in the day, I got an email from SIL. She was glad that I had weathered the surgery so well. She said her first two days were sheer hell, and probably even a half working epidural had helped. I'm sure it must have.
In the last of her email was to be nice to the physical therapist. Now I understand.
I am supposed to do those *&^$^&&(, I mean rehabilitating, exercises three times a day. Hummmm, I really don't think so. This afternoon I noticed that I was leaking a little more, and it was rather fresh. I wonder what those staples look like.
Ah, the might has been brought to her (wait for it) knees.
Peace.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
It hurt
I never had an epidural - ever. With my first child, the OB-GYN knocked me out when the time came. This was 36 years ago, and I guess he was a little "old school" for even that time. But it was OK. G wasn't allowed in the delivery room - as if he would go!
So when I was getting one for this surgery, I didn't know what to expect. I remember when Daughter was giving birth to Lady Bug they wouldn't give her one until she got to a 4 or 5. She was progressing slowly. She had been hospitalized the night before with the cervical softener which didn't seem to be doing it's job.
She was progressing slowly the entire next day. About 5:30 pm she said she had to go to the bathroom. I looked at the nurses like they had three heads when they said she could get up and go. What? I know the birth procedure in the hospitals had changed, but ... When she got into bed, she requested they check her again.
What a flurry of activity. They said she could have the epidural, and the doctor would be there immediately to give it to her. They didn't request we leave the room - which happened with both the other two and mine even. She was like a wilted daisy. Son in law was there to hold her still, and she just laid on him. As soon as the medicine went in, she sat up like a puppet on a string. She was "bright-eyed and bushy tailed!"
Well, I was with her on at least one of the next two, but I never saw her flinch with the insertion of the needle or the drug. That wasn't the way it was for me. IT HURT. When the medicine went in the sensation down me left leg was like the device used in old science fiction movies that consisted of the two poles with the static electricity running up them at intervals.
I was really surprised with that epidural. In addition to me not knowing it would hurt, it came loose on the second day. I would push my button, and my back would get wet. The nurses checked it, and all looked well. The pain doc on call came over after things calmed down in the birthing center. It looked ok.
The next day, when it was scheduled to come out, my bed was soaked. It is our (nurses, doctors, me) conclusion that I didn't have the epidural stopping the pain properly. Wow. I will tell you this, there was no difference between the pain of day one and day two.
So when I was getting one for this surgery, I didn't know what to expect. I remember when Daughter was giving birth to Lady Bug they wouldn't give her one until she got to a 4 or 5. She was progressing slowly. She had been hospitalized the night before with the cervical softener which didn't seem to be doing it's job.
She was progressing slowly the entire next day. About 5:30 pm she said she had to go to the bathroom. I looked at the nurses like they had three heads when they said she could get up and go. What? I know the birth procedure in the hospitals had changed, but ... When she got into bed, she requested they check her again.
What a flurry of activity. They said she could have the epidural, and the doctor would be there immediately to give it to her. They didn't request we leave the room - which happened with both the other two and mine even. She was like a wilted daisy. Son in law was there to hold her still, and she just laid on him. As soon as the medicine went in, she sat up like a puppet on a string. She was "bright-eyed and bushy tailed!"
Well, I was with her on at least one of the next two, but I never saw her flinch with the insertion of the needle or the drug. That wasn't the way it was for me. IT HURT. When the medicine went in the sensation down me left leg was like the device used in old science fiction movies that consisted of the two poles with the static electricity running up them at intervals.
I was really surprised with that epidural. In addition to me not knowing it would hurt, it came loose on the second day. I would push my button, and my back would get wet. The nurses checked it, and all looked well. The pain doc on call came over after things calmed down in the birthing center. It looked ok.
The next day, when it was scheduled to come out, my bed was soaked. It is our (nurses, doctors, me) conclusion that I didn't have the epidural stopping the pain properly. Wow. I will tell you this, there was no difference between the pain of day one and day two.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
I got my hand slapped!
Yesterday I was sitting here with the home health nurse finishing up our certification when the phone rang. It was Dr Bone's nurse. She asked me if I had "the machine" and I smartly replied that I did not - I didn't think I needed it. She told me that I certainly did need it, and she was going to call the company to get it delivered to me. So.
Poor Andre. I had told him I didn't need it earlier in the day, and when he called about delivering it, I apologized - profusely. He was true to his word, he was here about 6:45. In comes this monster. He looks at me reclining on my antique sofa and said he didn't think it would fit. I didn't even, so we headed back to the bedroom.
The worst thing about this whole ordeal is that after having breast cancer and it's associated treatments three years ago left me completely wiped out during that time, and then knees got really bad about the same time. Moving was a pain (sorry for the pun). My house is the pits. I had to let a stranger into the bedroom. I was just so humiliated.
Anyway back to the saga of "the machine." He set it up on the bed, and I could see that it was every bit as heavy as the one in the hospital. All the nurses complained about the weight. We got is all set up, I got attached to the thing, and we ran it for a bit making sure it worked. This thing is to passively move my leg - pulling the knee up to the chest while I am laying there. I should use it 6-8 hours a day (!?!??).
At bedtime, there was the behemoth. Still there. I don't know why G didn't move it when he tested its weight earlier. So, bull headed German I am, I moved that rascal. Just about killed me too, but I'll never admit it!
I just don't know how I am supposed to use this thing. I cannot put myself in it. According to nurse Valarie, it is to keep blood clots from forming. I think I better get really good at wiggling my toes a lot.
Right now the only fear about knee number 2's replacement is my butt. The second day after surgery, I was so sore. I couldn't move without so much pain - in my butt muscles. It got worse day 3. They still hurt. I remember this is part of what happens to me in the hospital. I don't know why. It doesn't seem to happen to others. Right now I am sitting on a pillow because these chairs simply don't have enough padding, and mine, while being ample, is too sore to sit on it.
In fact, I just took a pain pill, and the effects are being felt! I better close or this little post will be illegible - even with spell check, et al.
Peace
Poor Andre. I had told him I didn't need it earlier in the day, and when he called about delivering it, I apologized - profusely. He was true to his word, he was here about 6:45. In comes this monster. He looks at me reclining on my antique sofa and said he didn't think it would fit. I didn't even, so we headed back to the bedroom.
The worst thing about this whole ordeal is that after having breast cancer and it's associated treatments three years ago left me completely wiped out during that time, and then knees got really bad about the same time. Moving was a pain (sorry for the pun). My house is the pits. I had to let a stranger into the bedroom. I was just so humiliated.
Anyway back to the saga of "the machine." He set it up on the bed, and I could see that it was every bit as heavy as the one in the hospital. All the nurses complained about the weight. We got is all set up, I got attached to the thing, and we ran it for a bit making sure it worked. This thing is to passively move my leg - pulling the knee up to the chest while I am laying there. I should use it 6-8 hours a day (!?!??).
At bedtime, there was the behemoth. Still there. I don't know why G didn't move it when he tested its weight earlier. So, bull headed German I am, I moved that rascal. Just about killed me too, but I'll never admit it!
I just don't know how I am supposed to use this thing. I cannot put myself in it. According to nurse Valarie, it is to keep blood clots from forming. I think I better get really good at wiggling my toes a lot.
Right now the only fear about knee number 2's replacement is my butt. The second day after surgery, I was so sore. I couldn't move without so much pain - in my butt muscles. It got worse day 3. They still hurt. I remember this is part of what happens to me in the hospital. I don't know why. It doesn't seem to happen to others. Right now I am sitting on a pillow because these chairs simply don't have enough padding, and mine, while being ample, is too sore to sit on it.
In fact, I just took a pain pill, and the effects are being felt! I better close or this little post will be illegible - even with spell check, et al.
Peace
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Home again, gigidy gig
It took everything and then some to get me out. The doctor finally came by to make his observation. It seems that the norm is to be released to a rehab hospital. That means at least one and more like two weeks. No. Nope. I don't want one more day in a hospital. And here it is 1:40 and I am still in my pjs. That wouldn't happen in a rehab hospital as I was told. We would all be up and out of the rooms. Nope.
I do have home health coming to do PT three times a week. She is going to be here in a minute.
The doctor was amazed at my progress. I thought the PT people in the hospital were thinking I wasn't walking like I should, but he said I was blowing the top out of that. I am doing well. My hindrance it really the right knee. It still hurts like crazy. I have to admit, I have surprised myself. I didn't realize just how bad I was before.
Fear does that though. The unknown kept me afraid. I was so afraid of the pain. But I knew I couldn't go on the way it was. I was in such pain. My spirits are soaring now.
Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers. They helped!
Peace
I do have home health coming to do PT three times a week. She is going to be here in a minute.
The doctor was amazed at my progress. I thought the PT people in the hospital were thinking I wasn't walking like I should, but he said I was blowing the top out of that. I am doing well. My hindrance it really the right knee. It still hurts like crazy. I have to admit, I have surprised myself. I didn't realize just how bad I was before.
Fear does that though. The unknown kept me afraid. I was so afraid of the pain. But I knew I couldn't go on the way it was. I was in such pain. My spirits are soaring now.
Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers. They helped!
Peace
Monday, February 01, 2010
Live from the hospital
Going to be brief Still in hospital, just got computer last night. Hopefully going home today, but there is nasty talk about a rehab hospital. Had some ups and downs. My only regret is that I waited so long. It wasn't bad at all.
More to come.
Love and peace
More to come.
Love and peace
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