Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Not what I had in mind

Strong. Stoic. Prepared. Assured. Positive. These are the words I wanted to describe me as I enter this treatment. I am not. Not one of these words can describe me right now. I worked so hard to be at least one of those descriptions, but right now I am a mess.

I am frustrated. When my arthritis is hurting me so much, it is hard to keep a positive attitude. I cannot stand for more than five minutes. Walking is almost impossible. It really is so sad when I think how well the medication HAD been working.

I am angry. I am going to be mutilated on Thursday. I know the alternative is death, but to have an entire breast removed is mutilation. I should be beyond this type of petty thinking.

I am really down today. I think fear is being allowed in. I have had one panic attack. When I was at my lowest dealing with the arthritis pain, fear seeped in. I really don't know if I am really ready.

The great unknown lurks out there. I don’t know what is going to happen. I can’t guess what my life is going to be like. I guess I just have to dig a little deeper to find my trust, and above all keep all this secret from my family..

But tomorrow is the day. It will be done tomorrow, and then hopefully I can go on with life

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