Time is still standing still so to speak. I continue to wake at 1:45 am thinking the phone rang with "the" news. Nothing has really happened. Yesterday his pulse seemed to be slower and weaker. I think the word is thread.

I am struck with the similarity between birth and imminent death. We, as mere humans, are not allowed to know the exact date or time. We know what the outcome will be, but it is not for our planning. It will happen when it happens. And while some births can be arranged, death cannot.

It was January, five years ago, when we were huddled in the house at the lake - the one without good insulation - waiting for the birth of Lady Bug while freezing. The difference was the outcome would be joyous. An new, precious life would be the result.

This January we are faced with the loss of a loved one. Even though he has been leaving us little by little, this is the final loss. We are dealing with the suffering - our suffering. The social worker and I were talking yesterday and I said I couldn't stand to see him suffer. She asked me if I really thought he was suffering, or was it that we were placing our suffering on him. I think we are placing our suffering on him. He is sedated. His breathing, while still rapid, don't seem to be a struggle. He is on morphine, and that does relax him. We living think that because he isn't taking anything by mouth, then he is miserable. Not true. We have all experienced toddlers who refuse to eat. Their body doesn't need it. The body makes that decision. His body has made that decision. Like it or not, we have to live with it.

This, like Lady Bugs' birth, has humbled me. Peace be with you.