Still waiting

I finally got to speak with the doctor last night. I got the idea the doctor was pushing for a feeding tube for Dad. It is so tempting. When I first realized that I was his Power of Attorney, I didn't think it would be like this. I never thought I would be watching him slowly starve to death.

The speech therapist came in while we were there this morning to do the swallow test. It was inconclusive. She said he could be taken to x-ray and offered several things to drink and eat to determine swallowing. I turned it down. He won't/can't cooperate with them.

I think he has given up. I used to see some hint of recognition when he saw me. There is none now. He looks so lost. I really don't think he knows who I am anymore. I knew this would happen at some point. I just didn't think it would all happen at once like this.

At an age of 93, 4 months, 8 days, it is obvious there will be an end to his life. His mind has been slowly dying for 4 years. Now there is the death of the mind as well as the body. This is a death I have the ability to delay. I can't. I cannot sentence him to more days of being lost and unhappy.

I don't know what the future brings. I meet with hospice this afternoon. I would love for this meeting to bring me some solace. I don't count on it. My guilt is there. It is a living thing. It keeps telling me how horrible I am for not having a feeding tube inserted. I have to remind myself that I wouldn't want to live the way he is right now. I want to run away from all this. I don't want to go to the hospital. I don't want to sit there watching him die. But I have to. God, being an adult really sucks.