On hold

It is a sad fact that my entire world is wrapped up in this waiting. Our lives are on hold as we wait for the end of a life. I know he wouldn't want us to live this way, but this is the reality of our lives - just waiting. The waiting then brings more time to second guess things we have done - decisions we have made.

I still second guess myself about the feeding tube while everyone I discuss it with (health professionals all) have told me it was absolutely the right thing. Even as I wrote specific advanced directives for myself I saw I was doing the right thing. I was specific because I don't want my agents to doubt it is what I wanted.

I am now feeling some quilt because we will be going to the hill country place today. I know there is no difference I can make here. I will be closer San Antonio there than here. But I feel as though I shouldn't get away. Perhaps I feel I shouldn't do anything that would bring me pleasure.

Yesterday while my son took Dad's dresser and night stand to donate it to Habitat for Humanity, I stayed back in his room at the assisted living facility. I thought back on all those days he stayed there. I remembered how miserable he was. Then I started remembering the good things of his life. In 93 years there were by far more good times than miserable. I hope as the days go on I will be able to focus on the good days instead of the bad - especially the last two weeks.

May you only remember the good days with your loved ones.