Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I don't know the exact cause, but I have really been feeling depressed. I sometimes get this way - especially around this time of year. The other day, someone at work mentioned to G what a wonderful season this is. He replied to them that he isn't especially fond of this time of year. He's right.

During this season, as I think I have mentioned before, we have lost my mother, my step mother, my dad, his dad, and a favorite aunt. Just a bit ago, Son called. His friend, who was his Best Man at his wedding, is having to make the decision to remove his mother from life support. This hits me hard. The closeness of out two sons, and she was a breast cancer survivor. The cancer had come back with a vengeance. She was going to San Antonio for experimental treatments that she couldn't get here. That is a bit amazing to me because we do have the premier cancer center here. J's mom had cancer before me. I think she had been a seven or eight year survivor. J is convinced that the cancer was still there, and the medication to stop the production of estrogen (I don't know which one she was taking) just held the cancer at bay.

At any rate, this looks like the end for his mother. I have so much sympathy for J. He, like me, is an only child. I know how hard that is. I don't know if having siblings helps at a time like this, but I do know how horrible this time is for an only child.

I just don't know why I feel so empty inside. I am so lonely. I'll be glad when this season is over. Perhaps this mood will leave with the season.



judemiller1 said...

I too get depressed at this time of year==even though I love Christmas. My problem, I want it like it used to be with my parents here and all that. For some reason, I expect too much and of course, Christmas never lives up to what I expect--it is my own darn fault.

I am so sorry about your son's friend's mother and...I can imagine this kind of news sort of scares you too. None of us ever know how much time we have left do we. Another depressing thought...

angela said...

We struggle with Christmas season too. I've made a conscious choice to create new traditions (of course with a two-year-old I may not be able to change them or she'll call me on it). I've asked my hubs to please not make the 24th and 25th so important and lets spread some things out for the 12 days of Christmas. I hope that will take away some of the stress.

Nevertheless, I can feel you grieving and am sad for you. I hope things turn around.