Revisiting self doubt

I had another session of beating myself up emotionally this weekend. I revisited the world of doubting myself as to putting my dad in the Memory Support Unit. How could I put my father in a that locked unit? How could I not go visit everyday? I know how I would feel were it I. It would kill me to be dumped with no daily visits. I know this because I expect it! Yes, I know I do. I've only been in a hospital four times. Twice for child birth, and twice because ofaccidents, and I expected visits. As good as he is about some things, my husband is not one to sit in a hospital room, and I was in a snit.

When I broke my ankle, I had to have surgery to put a pin in it. I had a 24 hour, 59 minute admit - wonderful insurance - this was "out patient" surgery. G stayed during the surgery and recovery, but as soon as I was in my room, he was gone. He and my son came for a visit that evening, but they didn't stay long. I didn't like that! Yeah, it's all about me. The only child syndrome at its best. Seriously, I could have used a little help though. When it was meal time the nurse put the tray on the bed table not even setting it up for me. I guess I was freaked out because the doctor told me if I rebroke the ankle, pulling out the pin, there would have to be a bone graft from my hip. At this point I had only a soft cast. I was afraid to even move!

Back to Dad. When I do get out there, he is always the same. Sitting off to the side, head in hands, appearing to sleep. He always brightens when I speak to him, but he is at the stage that he simply parrots back questions most of the time. You can see him really searching for words when he tries to say something else. It kills me! With him being in this situation, and watching his fellow residents, just who in the world do I expect him to interact with. All those others are in their own worlds. They have no grasp on reality. Even the ones that I suspect to be a little more "with it" will begin speaking logically - then it's gone. They are out in left field somewhere. So it's no wonder he is always off alone.

My daughter keeps supporting me telling me that I did what I had to do. She keeps telling me that the father I grew up with is no longer with us. I KNOW that, but a part of me still believes he is still here. I think there is that hope that what I see is not true. But it is. I have been there when his memory has been tested. It is not there. I have to keep telling myself that he is safe where he is. That was not true when he was living independently. That would not be true if even he were living in my house. He would have wandered off as he proved to me. It may not be as true today because his arthritis in his knees is so bad. When he moves it is so slowly, but the general eveyday care would be beyond me.

As one faces old age, these thoughts come very clear. You see the way you don't want to be treated, but you also see what sometimes has to be done. All you can do is hope that you will be treated as well as possibe.If it's a way you never you wanted, hopefully you are in that other world and you won't even really know it.