Today is my appointment with the oncologist. I have trued to keep very upbeat and strong. I do not feel upbeat and I certainly don’t feel strong. I am scared to death.
This is it. This is the result of the scan. This tells me where the cancer may have spread. It tells me how and if they will treat it.
I couldn’t get it off my mind last night. I couldn’t sleep. The cloud hanging over my head is suffocating, and I am so very scared. I have told my family I’m fine. I told them I don’t need anyone to go with me to the appointment. In a way, that’s true. I guess I’m a little strange in that I don’t like anyone else hear bad news with me. I don’t know where that comes from. It certainly doesn’t take away the horror of it all.
So at 2:30 I am scheduled to meet with the oncologist. A doctor who I have never met, yet holds my life in his hands. In some aspects this is terrifying yet comforting.
The morning news is running in the background as I write this. They interviewed a young woman - 36. She also has breast cancer in her right breast. When she was talking about it, I had a smug thought when she was talking about the tumor being small. Hers was 3.3 cm and mine is only 2.3 cm. Ha - mine is smaller. My chances are better. Then again who knows.
She just had a mastectomy and reconstruction last week. She begins chemo now. Will I have to do that, or can they just remove the lump and then begin chemo? These questions are beginning to weigh so heavily.
All the strength I have prayed for is leaving me rapidly. I am so scared.
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