The skin of my neck

Today's visit to the radiation oncologist may literally save the skin on my neck ! My radiation treatment is coming to an end - finally, and it will change. One of the doctors came in to do additional artwork on my chest. I think that instead of the six positions that I have had the radiation treatment, there will be just one or two. The therapists attached a new device to the ray of death machine that looks like it will deliver radiation just to the place where my masectomy scar is. They attached a plastic box on the end. My chest has a large rectangle that is divided into two parts. I think that will help my neck and underarm. They will not be the direct target of the rays.

This is such good news. A patch of skin on the right side of my neck is angry red, and it is beginning to be really painful. I was telling G last night that I was finally glad the masectomy left numbness under my right arm. It is past angry red. It is purple! I have enough feeling to get the idea it would really be hurting if there were feeling.

At least the end is near! That is such good news!

Tidbits

The day has finally come! I have ten more treatments. Friday they wanted me to wait to see the doctor so he could do another drawing on my to mark the area they will be intensifying treatment on here at the end. I thought the six tatoos would be enough for them to zap me, but I have had a drawing on my upper right chest for twenty three treatments now. Plus, I get x rayed every treatment to determine position. But the end is truely in sight! Yea!

Today I was reading one of our local columinist in the paper who was talking about his habit this time of year to write about the temperature. He decided that he did not need to go outside to remember his eighty plus summers. He got me to reflecting on last weekend with Lady Bug.

We went to Wide Spot's community club dinner and meeting, which was really the ice cream social. The county's newpaper owner/editor was the speaker, so we all went. About the time he was finishing his talk, Lady Bug came up to me to complain about the heat since the building in which we meet is not air conditioned. She was hot, and at the very least she wanted to go to the car to sit in the air conditioning.

She got me to thinking about my own youth. We didn't have air conditioning either in the house or car until I was eighteen years old. What we had for the summer months was an evaporative cooler. Now these apparently work wonders in fat west Texas and other dry locals, but San Antonio was only a bit less humid than here in Houston. I remember shoes that were not worn much in the closet molding. Now, people completely freak out about mold. We had it every summer!

Several years ago, I had some small precancerous growths burned off my left cheek. The dermatologist said they were probably from the days of cars not being air conditioned. I think this is true. I was even older before we got an air conditioned car.

Lady Bug did not even try to comprehend these facts. I will agree it was very unusual for Wide Spot to have the heat with the humidity that we had that night. Perhaps the fact there had been a ten inch rain in the area accounted for the humidity! She didn't care. She wanted out of it, and didn't care a flip about my early life when such things were normal. She went to her dad - who turned on the car's a/c!

Such are our children today,

Will it be worth it all?

My mother died of metastic melonoma 34 ago. At that time, I swore if I ever was diagnosed with cancer I would not do anything about it. I would not have surgery and certainly not have any therapies.

My decision probably came from the fact that after her surgery, the surgeon stated that for the most part her lymph nodes were clear. It is true that there were no other therapies done for her because there was nothing that was successful with melanoma. But within five years she was dead.

I thought there was no reason to go through such destructive and mutilating surgeries. Her cancer was on the top of the outer ear, so she had the ear removed. If you were mutilated so and die so soon, why do it.

And when I found the lump, I opted for surgery. The first one was a breeze. I was thrilled that we could just remove the lump and save the breast. Then the pathology report came back with the news that there were no clear edges.

That didn’t sway me. I said to remove the breast, and I even asked if the other one also should be removed. There wasn’t a glimmer of my past resolve present. I probably had a better feeling about it all then than I do now, but there is no going back.

I suppose that is the real reason that I don’t seem to face the fact that I have cancer. Intellectually I know I have cancer, but emotionally I tend to look at all of the ensuing treatments as just other medical procedures. I think I am looking at the cancer as some other ongoing medical condition.

It’s strange that these thoughts would occur to me now. I am two thirds complete with the radiation. In a few more weeks, I will have another PET/CAT scan. I am expecting to find that it will be clear. I wonder why I am thinking about my stand when my mother was diagnosed.
Things are getting better. Not only am I almost free of treatments (I hope), but my eye brows are back, and the eyelashes and hair are returning. I am looking forward to having reconstruction. I really have weathered all of this pretty well. But I still remember the past decision - just leave me alone, no intervention.

I hope I will be able to say that all this was worth it.

The countdown

After today's treatment, things will be on the down slope. Today marks treatment number 17. That means 16 more. Or at least I hope so. I was sent to the lab to donate more blood for a CBC yesterday. So was the older gentleman who gets his treatment before me. His wife told me he was in week six. I told her that was wonderful - they would be completed soon. She told me that they were told they had about 26 more treatments to go - another 5 weeks. Oh how I hope that is not me!

I am going to have to tell the doctor that I am noticing pain right now. It seems after a couple of treatments (after the weekend), the area feels really tight, and if I strain to much, it hurts! I hope that it normal. So far the real discoloration hasn't been too much. After the weekend rest and cortisone lotion, I was back to almost normal coloring. Not so much today. I am fairly red even though I do put the lotion on at night.

I'll have a longer break from it this weekend, It is SSB time, I find myself really looking forward to the break from treatments and the like as well as the slower pace of life up there. It's supposed to rain. That's ok. I plan to chill - even with the three grandchildren running around.

Oh, and I will be away from the weather people here who are absolutely beside themselves, We have a disturbance in the Gulf that will probably become (hold your breath) a TROPICAL STORM. And they are doing their dead level best to dry to turn the hurricane, Dean, into the Gulf and into Swampland. Oh my. By Tuesday I'm sure they will postiively be foaming at the mouth. I'll want to leave again!

Bad days

Right after the results of my biopsy, I remember my surgeon telling me that I would have good days and bad days. I was naive enough to believe that he meant that some days I would be much sicker than others. SInce I weathered the chemo so well, I assumed he was wrong,

Today, I think I more understand what he meant. I have not slept well in two nights. I am really exhausted. We had the kids here last night, and that always puts a little strain on things. G decided that since the oil in Ol' Blue had not been changed in eight months, and since it had reached 3000 miles, it had to be done today. That entails getting up at the regular time so that we can get it to the shop by 7 A.M. That was done.

I left home at 11:15 to go to the radiation therapy appointment, even though I knew it would mean that I would be there at 11:30 for my 11:45 appointment. When I walked in and saw that the wife of one of the men who is ahead of me was still sitting there, I knew they were running late - again.

I finally got in about 12:45. It seemed that they were taking forever to get me situated. They take x-rays each and every time to insure alignment, With the arthritis in my shoulders, it is painful and almost impossible for me to hold the elbow tight against my body. That is exactly what I have to do, or the machines hit me. My hand became numb, but the deep nerves were sending a signal of pain in my thimb. I don't understand why they cannot use the little tatoos and other marks that are on my body that are there for that purpose.

Anyway. I had already called G to let him know they were running late because he had a doctor's appointment at 2. He was frantic that he would have to take the green monster because my car wouldn't be back, and he left the other truck in the shop.

They got me out and I was able to make it home fifteen minutes before he was to leave. I am even more exhausted. He calls the shop - the truck it ready - he has eaten lunch and been around here for over an hour - and wants me to take him to get the truck right THEN so he could take it for the appointment.

I had just barely sat down. I couldn't believe this. I really was very upset with him then, in fact I'm not too thrilled with him right now.

So now I know the bad days have nothing to do with nausea. They are just flat out bad days!

This and that

Well, I am still limping along utilizing someone's unsecured WiFi. I wish I knew who, but thanks a lot!

Today is our 39th anniversary. Sometimes I'm amazed that we made it this long. Guess we were too lazy to seek a divorce! Just kidding, but it is amazing all the same.

If things go right, I only have 20 more radiation treatments. I will really be so glad. It's a real drag going every day, but now most days they are running an hour behind. I surely don't get there early with the hopes of getting in early any more. The therapists are always so apologetic, and I know they are doing the best they can, but it really gets old!

I was wondering when the burn would happen. Well, I wonder no more! Now my wonder is how bad it will get. At least there is something to keep my interest in this procedure :).

It's almost time to get ready to go (and sit!). I need to disconnect my modem to exchange it. That is the last thing I can do to try to correct my connection woes.

Have a great weekend!

I'm back!!

Finally I am back. So far the radiation is going well, no burned skin or anything at all.

So why have I been away. Computer problems! My laptop is very finiky. The least little thing sends her into a mood where she won't cooperate. THIS time, I closed her lid too soon. She had not completed shutting down, and I closed her lid. So to show me who's boss, she wouldn't show anything on the screen after the prompt to ru n BIOS.

I finally got her to the clinic, and now, $64 later, she is working, but I'm not sure about my internet connection.

The internet connection may be the real problem with the desk top. That one worked like a charm (even though the monitor had to be placed on its right side so I didn't have to get a crick in my neck) for one day. The next, I couldn't access the internet. I checked the computer. I unplugged the modem. I took the router out of the system. I changed cables. My next thing is to (groan) go to Comcast to change out the modem and pray that is the problem.

I have a nagging doubt that there is anything wrong with anything that is in my house. I really believe since we have changed from Warner to Comcast that Comcast is in a snit about the deal of the re-seller I use to access the internet. Although there may be something wrong with the cable.

I can usually get onto my neighbor's Wi-Fi, but I don't think I can today. Both mine and theirs shows a connection, but I can't get on line. I have found another unsecured neighborhood connection that is so weak I imagine I'll lose it at any moment.

But that's my story. If it weren't for computer problems, I would have so much more time!

Where does my time go? (and other random musings)

That is a question I honestly cannot answer. I am amazed at the people who can crank out posts to their blogs on a daily basis - AND they are good!

I not only have no clue as to where my time goes, but it seems that my life is totally devoid of any inspiration for something new and, well, amusing. Am I really so totally wrapped up in this fight against cancer that I don’t do anything that is blogable?

Oh well - weekend update. We went to the ranch this weekend. The purpose of the trip was really the family reunion - although I found that I really have missed being there. It’s been a month, and I never thought I would miss going to that far removed from civilization place that I used to hate.

But those were the days that we stayed in my mother in law’s house. The is the most OCD house keeper I have ever met. Her medicine cabinet is arranged alphabetically. I don’t have the desire to check out the pantry. That would probably send me right over the edge. I never felt I could clean her house as well as she thought it should be cleaned.

At home I am not by any stretch of the imagination a fastidious housekeeper. When I had three "jobs" (teacher, part time church organist, and weekend shop keeper at a local flea market), I decided that life was way too short to spend my life doing chores that would have to be repeated the very next day. Spending time with my family was far more important.

My house is at times cluttered. I will even admit that. Some will classify it that way even when I think it is cleared completely. I am a hoarder. When you teach, you soon discover that as soon as you throw something away, you could have used it. Now I am a crafter, so that philosophy is still in operation.

But there is a clear difference in the house at the ranch. I am almost a minimalist there. Rather sparse furnishings as opposed to the house here in Swampland. I like the open spaces - hence the family gatherings are at my house (even without the fact it is the largest).

An invasion of ants made me be paranoid about how things are stored in my pantry. I must have cornered the market on plastic totes, plastic zip bags, and Press n Seal wrap. I patrol that space like crazy. If someone puts something in there that isn’t sealed against all possibilities - they find it in the things they are taking home.

Now, after an invasion of mice, I am a fanatic about any bits of anything the little vermin might find appetizing cleaned up. I had to spend hours cleaning and disinfecting surfaces and DRAWERS! The little buggers tried to make nests in my drawers.

But now the house is secure, and I am driving my kids crazy! But even with my daughter’s family there, we had a great time. We got to see family we haven’t seen in two years. The only thing that is disconcerting about the family reunions is that we are now the "older" parents. Hard on the ego.

Since we were gone, I enjoyed missing being radiated yesterday, and today we begin again. I theorize I will be completed with this business September 14!

And to Robin Roberts (Good Morning America), bless you. May your days be as good as mine have been. You apparently found your much earlier than I did. That’s good. I hope your treatment will be as easy on you as mine has been.

Ho-hum

I try to pull something new and witty out of my life to share here, but it seems life is pretty much the same old thing around here.

I am either waiting to leave to go for radiation or I have just come back. I really haven’t done anything in this world that is earth shattering.

This weekend will be a little different however. We are heading to the ranch for a family reunion, and my daughter, K, and her family will be joining us. That should liven things up - a lot!
There is a family reunion, and she thinks this will be a good time to show Doodle Bug (the newest one) off. She will be able to have most of that side of the family meet her.

I have plans for me and Lady Bug. We are going to set off in the new "Mule" Sunday afternoon (weather permitting) and look for wild flowers. Because of the unusual rains, we still have wild flowers blooming. After we find them, we will press and dry them. It will give her something different to do.

As usual, the weather here is completely falling apart. The real rains will be moving in this evening with flooding expected tomorrow. I just hope we can get out and go! The plans are that as soon as I get zapped, we will hop in the Green Monster and take off. I hope so - even though I worry about the situation here!

I hope I don’t come home to find several inches of water in my house! And I will let you know how the folks at the radiation lab take me missing Monday! Have a great weekend.

One down . . .

Yesterday was my first radiation treatment. I won’t say I had no idea what to expect because I have read a lot and Lee Ann, who frequently comments here, really helped to pave the way.

I was taken in almost right away. I still really believe I had fallen through the cracks setting an appointment, the whole process was quite smooth. I went straight into the dressing room, changed and into a small waiting room. In just a few minutes the therapist came in with the consent papers, explained a few things, and then we were in the radiation room.

The staff was kind and reassuring. That really helps.

The things that is so bad is the appointment is 11:45. Smack dab in the middle of the day. I may be able to change it at some point. I hope so. Of course, I will have to tell them I am missing on Monday because we are going to the ranch for a bi-annual family reunion.

I met with Dr Poison this morning. I think he was surprised that the radiation had taken to long to begin. Well, he can talk to them. Of course, the computers were down at the oncologist’s office, so he had no real information. It really was kind of a waste of an appointment.

He did say that we will do another PET scan in about 10 weeks. That one will tell if we have been successful.

Off to radiation - again.

Birth announcement

Doodle Bug joined her siblings, Lady Bug and Monkey Boy, last night at 7:09 pm. She weighed in at 9 pounds 6 ounces and measured 22 ½ inches long. She is the biggest baby yet although the other two were no slouches.

We have big babies in this family. My niece had twins in October and both were right around 8 pounds - one being a little under while the other was a little over.

K was to be at the hospital early, but we apparently had a baby boom here in Swampland. According to the nurses, the rain and the full moon help with that. K’s nurse said it is really bad during a full moon and a hurricane. I guess so! The moon’s pull and the low pressure. Wow!

Everyone is delighted with Doodle Bug with the exception of Monkey Boy who upon entering the room after her birth announced "I don’t want that" while looking at Doodle Bug. When his aunt questioned him about a baby before they got there (Lady Bug and Monkey Boy are staying with their aunt and uncle), said "no baby!" I guess he is going to have a bit of a rough time.

All, with the exception of Monkey, are doing great. Doodle is much calmer today since no one is messing with her, but she does have a temper.

It’s nice being a grandmother. They don’t live with me!

Catching up

Things have been rather harried around here of late. My arthritis has just about made me bed ridden, but there were the appointments some of which I had made months ago. So I was out of the house for these appointments.

I went to my cardio guy on Tuesday. I told him that Dr. Poison, my oncologist, remarks on a heart murmur every time I see him. Dr Cardio said he had never noticed, and he listened again. He still couldn’t hear it, so I got scheduled for an echocardiogram.

He was pleased with my blood pressure as well as the cholesterol. But now my blood sugar is high. Oh great - what next? He said if he was still high in January he would send me to an Endocrinologist. I can hardly wait. Just what I need. More doctors, more meds.

I called the Radiation Oncology people again. I will swear that I was forgotten! The person answering the phone said she would have someone call me back. I am set for Monday. I find that interesting. As I said, I really believe I fell through the cracks.

Yesterday I got to have my port flushed. I was quite nervous since neither Darellynn nor Kay were there. It was someone new. She had never accessed my port. I could just see her poking around until I screamed, but she listened to me and was great! She is good!

I then went upstairs to give yet another gallon of blood to be tested for my appointment with Dr Poison next week.
The afternoon was set aside for the echo. I guess I’ll hear about that next week.

Right now I am waiting to go to the hospital to be with my daughter. She is to be induced today. That has already gotten "screwed up" because they have had a baby boom. Her OB wanted her there at 5 because this is his "early day." She was told to go back home, eat a light breakfast and return at 9. Now she has been told to come back between 11 and noon. Now I know why my surgeon didn’t want to do my lympectomy then mastectomy at that hospital. Unfortunately, the new, wonderful hospital doesn't have an OB service.

And of course, Swampland is being drowned again this week. It has continued to rain daily, and today is the worst of all. It is a real toad strangler, and is supposed to stay that way all day.

Have a great weekend. I hope to be back here Monday afternoon with a report on my first radiation!

This little piggy . . .

Even though my toe looked so nasty yesterday, I bravely bandaged it. I was going to get to go out for lunch. I had to get my priorities straight, didn’t I? Why yes!

After lunch, I came back home to rest a little and complete my shopping list to go to the grocery store. That was a task I could have gladly put off until today, but G was going to take cinnamon rolls to work (that is another entire story - I’m tired of providing those folks with food - they eat more than any working group I know of).

I used to have a lot of open toe shoes, but now I have one pair. They are not particularly comfortable and are a short platform shoe, but I do not want to buy another pair of new shoes right now. I started to go to get a pair of Mushr*oms with no toe, but I really won’t need them. The shoe pulled on the bandage quite a bit, so I rushed through the store more than I should have. Read I didn’t get everything I wanted because I didn’t put it on the list thinking I could remember it.

I was very apprehensive when I got home. I was thinking the bandage would, once again, be stuck. To my joy, it wasn’t. It still looked nasty, but I got the bandage off.
After the soaking, it really looked good. Even the peroxide didn’t bubble up. Yeah! The toe may make it through this.

K called last night. She is having some contractions, but they are apparently not the real thing even though they can be quite severe. Perhaps we might have a baby this weekend.
Another day has passed - no call from radiation oncology. At this rate I won’t be finished by Labor Day!

I was expecting something like this

Being the studious cancer patient that I am, I was aware of something like this happening. In fact, I really expected it to happen. I watched intensely - waiting. I just didn’t expect it to be like it is!

A couple of months ago, I wore some sneakers that were a little tight in the toe. I went to Tar*et and on to the grocery store because the one at Tar*et was a toy grocery store not having the items I needed. We were going to the Hill Country the next day, and I needed to get that task done - THEN.

The big toe on my right foot was killing me, but I forged on. I had my mind set on my goal. Pain wasn’t going to deter me. By the time I was finished, I absolutely had to take the shoe off.

A few days later, I noticed the nail was black. I had formed a hematoma under the nail. I would be losing the nail. This is something that happens to chemo patients. I had read that the chemo will cause the nail to darken and fall off. So I thought I was lucky. This is the only one.

Last week, the nail began oozing. It was clear, so in my Land of Denial, things were perfectly ok. Infection causes the ooze to be discolored. So, ignoring the advice of my family, I did not call the podiatrist.
The next week, the ooze was yellowish. Of course that was on Thursday afternoon. I called the podiatrist. I could not be seen until Monday.

So off I went. I explained it all to the staff and the doctor. She then cut off the nail. I got instructions on how to soak it, splash on peroxide, clean it out daily, and to come back the next Monday. I thought that was probably not going to be necessary - at the time. Funny how ideas change.

Today it is a real mess. I am afraid to bandage it because the bandage will stick to it! If I don’t bandage it, I can’t go out. Decisions, decisions. There is a bandage in my future because I have to go out.

I was expecting something like this, but not to this extreme. Oh, and by the way, there is still no set date for radiation. Bah!

I guess it’s time to get on with my life since I haven’t heard from the Radiation Oncology department. There are several other things I have to get done.

One is to get the appliance repairman out to work on the ice maker. Right now it is more like a glacier maker. The water valve must be leaking because the ice cubes that it dumps tend to stick together after a bit. We vigorously work with an ice pick to clean out the icy mass, but only have a few days to enjoy the huge quantity of individual ice cubes before they once again become a mass. The little stream of ice that descends from the ice tray to the bin adds a nice touch like being in a cave looking at the stalactites. Who needs an exotic vacation?. Just open my freezer and behold the sights.

I began this post yesterday with hopes of having the choice repairman grace us with his magnificent knowledge. In my lifetime, I have had only two other repairmen. One, Old George, retired leaving a huge gap. I was lost until we found a nice appliance store where we bought our once new cook top. They had a repairman they highly recommended - Leonard. He was great. I used him for many years.

Being the wise consumer that I am (yeah, sure), I have purchased appliances that are well constructed, and my need for a repairman are not as great as they were when I had small babies whose socks would get stuck in the filter on the washing machine. When I needed repair on the dish washer, I called Leonard. His answering maching answered as usual, but Leonard never called.

When I called again - it was the usual answering machine. No Leonard. When I called the appliance store, they were also confused. Leonard seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth. But they had a new guy - Mike.

I called Mike yesterday. I left a message. I have not heard from Mike. Could it be that he thinks I am a little crazy? I had him out before to look at my vent hood. The light would not come on. He took the bulb out and put it back. Guess what! It came on. I felt like a dolt. But what he doesn’t know is that later it pulled the same thing. It wouldn’t come on. I know something he doesn’t. There IS a problem with that thing - probably a short somewhere. But the situation remains. The short is still there and we never turn it off!

Mike has not called, there is a glacier in my freezer that allows only five individual cubes to collect, and I want ice! So I ventured into the yellow pages to find the number for the after warranty place where I have gone to get the parts that I know how to replace. They supposedly come out. If you will excuse me, it’s time to see if they still exist now. Then I must call the air conditioning people to crawl around in my hot attic to check the units!

Happy BIrthdays

Today and tomorrow are two of the special days for my family. Today, three years ago, Monkey Boy was born. Tomorrow, thirty one years ago, B was born.

For an uncle and nephew, these two are two peas in a pod. They are so much alike. Monkey Boy reminds me, as well as his mother, so much of B when he was a baby. Wheels are things of complete fascination. Cars are to be adored.

Monkey Boy is more like his mother in the fact he has had ear problems. His, however, were never ones that were obvious, so he is now delayed in his speech. She on the other hand wore her ear infections like badges. Monkey Boy has been serviced by Early Childhood Intervention, and has shown considerable improvement. He still will lapse into his old habit of just babbling, but there is more and more clear speech evolving. He will be seen by the school district in the fall for more help. I am so glad he is getting help before school.

B struggled through school. I am so upset that he struggled so much. Now that I have more education on the topic, I am sure he was an attention deficit child. Our elementary schools are open concept which means the "classroom area" is just that - one big open room with grades 1 - 5 all literally huddled in small groups surrounded by whatever the teachers can find to eek out their small space - bookshelves, tote keepers, etc. You walk in and the children are huddled on the floor at the teacher’s feet, and she is struggling to keep their attention. Everyone must speak in whispers.

B had real trouble with that set up. It set the stage for his entire school experience. He never learned how to focus on the teacher. He wasn’t interested in what she had to say. There were a lot more interesting things going on in the world.
But he has made it out of school. He only made two semesters in college. That is another sad story for another time. He is successful in life however. He was able to get on with the local telephone company. He has installed phones, repaired phone lines, and now he is a cable splicer. It is a good living with a good, reliable company.

He also amazes me. He can remember things that I cannot. He began with certain comic strips that he loved. That has expanded into song lyrics. He remembers thousands of songs and that is important because he does have his band. They play on weekends around the area and there is a good following for the band.

So instead of worrying about Monkey Boy and his current special education label, if he continues to follow his Uncle B’s lead, he will be successful too.

Happy Birthdays boys!

Catching up

Night before last we had a scare. K called at 11:30, right after I fell into bed. She thought her water had broken. I went over to be with the kids as they went to the ER. I was pretty sure if was a false alarm, and it was. I know she really wished it were real. She is so ready to have that baby - at least partially. That baby will be about 9 pounds, so K is really
miserable!

I have gotten over most of my fears about the future. Now I am a little miffed because a week has come and gone and I have no appointments. I have not heard from them at all.

I called Tuesday and was told that they were "working me into the schedule." Great! The treatment that will gobble up the most time and I am waiting doing nothing.

This is the first time since this whole story began that I haven’t been rushed into a treatment of some type. I don’t handle that well at all. I try to believe that I am not a control freak, but I guess that’s not the case.
Well, lets hope I get a call today or tomorrow to begin Monday.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing

As I was reading some of the booklets I picked up at the radiation oncologist’s office, I was moved by one of them that advised to keep a journal. Well, that’s what a blog is isn’t it? Well, sort of. And I intent to use this one for that purpose. So don’t be surprised by the mood of this entry.

I'm not sure I can do the rest of this treatment. I really don't. Perhaps I should quit reading about radiation therapy. I am really scared. The cautions about the effects are really nagging at me. Plus, I feel that my support system in G is dwindling. I tried to open a dialog last night, but there didn’t seem to be much interest.

I am angry that this treatment is going to take over my life for the next two months. I guess the spoiled brat is coming out - in spades! I was used to having to be available after teaching for 29+ years. But now I am used to having some Mondays free for travel.

I am worried about my eventual reconstruction surgery, and that is one surgery I really want. My surgeon left some tissue so that reconstruction would be easier. That’s great, but the problem is that extra tissue is uncomfortable - especially under my arm. I am so worried that there will be permanent damage to the skin making reconstruction impossible.

I was able to make it through chemo without considerable nausea and so on. From what I was reading, that is possible with radiation. I was able to keep mouth sores away. I have mouth full of crowns that worry me. The booklets said that dentures may not fit properly with radiation. Will my crowns be affected as well?

I just sounds like radiation is far worse than chemo. I just don’t know that I can do all this for another two months. My attitude and will have just gone terribly south. I think the best thing is to stop reading about what may happen. Ignorance may be bliss. I need some bliss.

What a night

Being a person who can never leave well enough alone, I was sitting on the couch perusing a booklet I picked up on radiation therapy. Now this was after I went with K to buy an infant car seat she found on Cr**g’s List. That was a trip. A trip from hell.

I don’t like her going to meet unknown people (in my mind they crazed killers who are looking for a 9 month pregnant woman to kill and take her unborn) to buy these baby items. She called about 7:30 and asked if I was too tired to ride along. I agreed to go. Got me out of doing the dishes!

She was to go to a gated community. We flew by it the first time, and had to turn around. We were chatting and trying to figure out the instructions for the gate. Her first two attempts were wrong, plus she inherited her father’s lack of mechanical or logical abilities.

Just as the gate was beginning to open, we heard a sound from the back seat that sends horror into hearts. Lady Bug was vomiting. She just sat there and up it came - all over the seat and K’s business signs.

My daughter is never prepared for things like this. With two children, you would think she would carry some tissue or paper towels. Nope! Not a thing but a couple of used napkins. So there we were. Lady Bug was covered, the seat was covered, and the box of signs was full. Now my about to burst pregnant daughter was getting sick too.

We got Lady Bug out of her shorts and K found a shirt (?!?!) to put over the seat. And we continued on out pursuit of the car seat.

We got to drive home with the windows open with the steam of Swamplands caressing out skins all the way home. That was the only way K wouldn’t add to the stench of the van.
Of course, I gave Lady Bug chili and a wiener for lunch! Not good coming up several hours later.

Back to the pamphlet. As I was reading, it said that there could be scans! Plural! Oh no!

The (now) dreaded PET scan

Yesterday I just flat ran out of gas! The PET scan was really more of a drain than I ever could imagine. The one I had six months ago wasn’t bad at all, but this one was different. Plus I had Lady Bug from the minute I got home until her dad FINALLY decided to pick her up at 4:45. If he continues this "stuff" there is no way I can keep the new one when she arrives. But that’s another story.

Today we talk about the dreaded PET. Normally, PETs are not done on Wednesday. That put fear in my heart. I knew a change from routine would put a monkey wrench in the works. I was supposed to be there at 8:30. I am accustomed to being there about 9 since the lab is just across from the oncologist. I was concerned about traffic, so I got there 15 minutes early so I wouldn’t make things harder for the tech. I waited in the lobby and went to the door at 8:30. Closed, locked and no lights. Well . . .

I walked back to radiology. The sweet receptionist began calling around for me. About 9, she told me they were there. I went over. The new development was that the lights were on. The door was still locked.

I knocked, knowing all the while Lisa (the tech) could not hear me. Just as I was getting ready to go back to radiology, she came in to open the door.

All the things to get ready were the same, except this time I had to wear a hospital
gown that was made to fit Paris. I should have run right then. Things were about to take a turn south.

Lisa said I could sit on the table while she got one of the therapists from "over there" to come over. When she arrived, she came with the set up I was on when they took the measurements for radiation.

Part of this set up is an arm rest. That consists of two stirrup looking things that are supposed to cradle the upper and lower arm. There was no way that set up was going through that tube, and sure enough it wasn’t.

Then they began repositioning my body on the "bed." I am not a small woman. I could only be considered small if I were an Amazon. To get the apparatus for the breast radiation into the tube, my body was shoved to the edge of the bed. I was afraid I was going to fall off. My left arm was off.

When they tried a "trial fit," my left arm was hitting the other side of the tube and they had to remove the stirrup that held the lower right arm. It was determined that this would work because "this doesn’t take long" (quote from the radiation therapist).

I was freaking out this time because I was crammed into that blasted tube, touching the side and the top, and they left me in the middle for what seemed an eternity before the test.
Last time was not bad. I never freaked out. This time was different. I was about to scream. I asked how long it would take, and got no answer at first. Then Lisa finally told me it would be about 30 minutes.

As it turned out, there was only about a 10 minute period of time where I was mildly frantic. My left arm rested against the side of the tube the whole time, and at this point I can only hope and pray that they don’t call me to tell me that the results are unreadable and I have to come back.
I think my tiredness was due to my emotions. I probably shouldn’t have kept Lady Bug at all, but you know how mothers and grandmothers are. We always put ourselves on the back burner. I know K wouldn’t have wanted that, but at her stage of pregnancy I don’t want her stressing about not being able to get her work done - which she will be, and is, doing.

It’s almost time for Lady Bug to be here. It is supposed to be a short day with her dad picking her up when his appointment in Beaumont is done. Let’s hope he gets her on his WAY home and not after he has been home, etc.