Promise kept

I said I would be back and here I am. It has been ten days since surgery and seven days home. I am still wondering just what the heck I have done to myself and angry at facing the prospect of the next surgery that really is required at this point because I am a total freak. I looked at the results from this first surgery in the mirror last night, and I was completely horrified. There are lumps and bumps everywhere. I can't see that this will ever look any where near normal.

I have an appointment with the doctor today. I'm facing it with real dread. He had me fill a prescription for four vials of antibiotic which he will inject today. I'm thinking I heard somewhere it would be into the drains. That means more time for the drains. I think one of them is no longer working anyway. I also think I heard that at least one will be in at least three weeks. I absolutely hate them. It was the worst part of the mastectomy. They didn't prevent the infection, and, to my way of thinking, made things worse.

For the first four days of recuperation, my knees were such an issue because I wasn't really taking care of the usual meds and things. I made sure I took the antibiotics like clockwork and I was absolutely sure I took the Femara. I would take the blood pressure medication just to be sure, but it just wasn't that important. Wednesday I decided I better get back with the arthritis regime. By yesterday, I was much better. Today the knees are good.

Last night was my worst night with the exception of Friday night in the hospital. All the sutures in my back seemed tight and painful (I hope no infection). I wanted to sleep on my right side so badly! I finally got up and changed to the other side of the bed. (Poor G is on the daybed in the study.) It was a fitful night at best. I made the decision not to take the two pain pills when I went to sleep. At 3AM I knew it was too late. Coming down from them would have made me sick.

I know I have to complete what I started. I just hope that the resulting breast reduction and repositioning isn't as painful. I have to ask why I am already numb under my left arm and around the left breast. There was nothing done in that area.

If at all possible, I am going to wait until September or so to complete this mess. I am not ready for more surgery. I look at some of the ads we get on local TV selling these "complete body makeovers." I just hope these people realize what they are in for. I once thought if I could get to the "ideal" weight, I would like to have the lifts and tucks for the extra skin. While I still hope to re-lose the weight that found me after chemo and chuck a lot of the rest of it - there will be no lifts or tucks for me in the future. Should the miracle happen, and there is a lot of excess skin, I will imply tuck it in somewhere. It's not going to be cut off!.