Saturday, September 08, 2007

Some disappointment

I am rather depressed. I got the news that instead of having my treatments end on Monday, I have until Friday. I had my heart set on only having 33 treatments. The radiation people never told me that - ever. I got that from Dr. Poison, my oncologist. It shouldn't cause me so much anguish, but I really want this over.

I am tired of all of this. This is nine months this has all been going on. I want it OVER! I am finding myself falling into a depression whenever I am alone. I don't want to constantly be dragging my family down with my complaining. I have a pamphlet with the phone number for a group who talks to cancer patients. I didn't think I needed it, but I am reconsidering that idea.

I can't believe how much my fellow radiation patients have been there as a listening post. That is coming to an end (even though not soon enough in reality), and I think I need someone.

My burns are still present, but the neck lesion is half what it was. That is good news. I am just hoping the new intense radiation on the masectomy scar doesn't bring the same effect. I continue to work with it.

This cancer thing has taken nine months out of my life. I guess I am silly enough to think after treatment ends on Friday I will have my life back. I know I won't, but perhaps there will be a little more time for me.

Things will be better. I know that. Thanks for listening!


Anonymous said...

I know that feeling. When I first met with my radiation oncologist I marked my calendar and started my count down to the day inwhich I would be "free" of treatment. I had a few days off due to skin issues and found myself erasing my end date and getting depressed also. Towards the end of treatment and getting some raw skin I was asked to stop for a few days and refused since I only had a few more days left and just wanted to be done with having a daily appointment. I wanted to be back to normal, whatever that is. Now I only have to see the medical oncologist every 6 months. Of course I would love to keep my head in the sand but I know I have a problem that might or might not be cured. It sure wouldn't hurt to talk to someone about your depression so call that number and have a chat. Just might do you a world of good. My cancer was so small that the biopsy removed it all and I had no lymph nods involved but still I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

The last week is the longest and the bestest..I called it graduation..Even had a cookout in my honor..My son did it for me and I even got a graduation Bear with mortor board and diploma from my family..It was our way of celebrating the overness of it all..Make a plan for that day or weekend..And keep in mind that you are no longer a patient but a survivor just as I am...The end and the beginning is there for you..And the soreness take time but as each day passes the redness fades..I lavished in it..Don't fight depression it can't be helped you have been thru alot..I know I am anonymous..And I have been there too..

Grandma K said...

Wow! Thanks for your support. I know you are aware of how much support means at this time.

My feelings seems to be a roller coaster. One moment I am heading in a downward spiral, and the next I am energized and ready to go. Sounds rather manic depressed. I think this will begin to pass however - especially after your comments!

My daughter was set to do something to celebrate my "graduation" last week, but as you know this was postponed. Our family has two graduations to celebrate. My son (even if he is 30) is getting his braces off tomorrow after four years.

My husband and I will be gone this weekend, but I think the next weekend we will find time to celebrate. All things are falling into place. It is good we will be at our other place for the weekend, and then set to celebrate things the next!

Again, I cannot thank you both wnough for your support.