Mixed feelings

Christmas is such a mixed bag of emotions for me at this stage in my life. While there is still the childlike unbridled joy of the season, there is also the dark memories of events in the past, namely the dewaths that occurred around the holidays.

Watching Lady Bug getting ready for Christmas brings childhood memories. Dad was a letter carrier for the Post Office, and this season would bring long days for him. He would be home late on Christmas Eve because there was so much mail for him to deliver. That would put me into a tizzy waiting for him. You see, Christmas Eve was the night we would open out presents. That could not happen until after dinner which could not happen until Daddy was home. The anticipation was just too much to bear.

He walked his mail route, and even though we have a mounted route here, I cannot help but be taken back to those times waiting for him to come home when I see one of the mail trucks.
My mother was one who loved decorating for Christmas, and I followed in her foot steps there also. You wouldn’t know it now. For the last couple of years, there has been a wreath on the door and some lights thrown onto the shrubs. This year, my tree is a one foot thing that I had gotten for V when she way dying three years ago. Two years ago, I did put up a tree. Thankfully it was artificial because it stayed up until almost Easter. I was going through a bad time with my arthritic knees. We are gone so much I just don’t see any reason to go through that again.

The sad times wrap themselves around me like a dark cloak. My mother died before Christmas 34 years ago. My "step-mom,"V, died two days after Christmas. Last year my dad was put in the hospital on December 29. I knew it was the end. He died January 13.

Even with the joy of the season, even with the joy of the grandchildren, even with the gifts, there are those ghosts lurking there reminding me of the frailty of life. Dad’s death is still so fresh. I find myself grieving now almost more than I did when he died.

Give your loved ones an extra hug this season. It may be the last time you can.