Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tough love for octogenerians

Our trip to San Antonio certainly did not turn out the way we expected. We were all set to bring lunch with us, and then talk to the parents about the home assistants, We got lunch. G began talking about setting priorities for the assistants. That’s when he was told they don’t want any of them. They have a friend of a friend (of a friend ?)who will come to the house for very little money to help.

At first it wasn’t clear, but suddenly it became very clear what they meant. MIL said "we TOLD you." They decided on Friday they were moving back to their house. I was in the little kitchen getting the meal ready, and I felt like someone literally hit me in the stomach. I couldn’t believe it. G was angry. He was very angry. I was just shocked.
My first reaction was that I had to call G’s brother and his wife. They had left their house in the country by that time, and there is a time when there is no cell phone service. So I left a message. Meanwhile, G is expressing his concern about their safety. At first MIL is sounding all for it. She argues that they will be fine.

Later she calls me outside. FIL has finally worn her down. He has been such a grump and so disagreeable that she finally caved in. She can’t live with him like this, but she won’t stay in the apartment without him.

FIL kept talking about how much the apartment cost while they have "a three bedroom brick home with a huge back yard." He said they had spent $4000 the first month. He wouldn’t listen to the fact that most of that was deposits and so on. He said they could use that amount to modify their house. He will rework the bathroom. Not for $4000. Add at least $10,000 to it. Plus, I don’t know what they will use for a bathroom while that is being done. He is going to add a ramp to the garage. Their house is at least a foot off the ground. The ramp will be so steep she can’t use it!

As we were leaving, FIL walked us out. G told him his fear was that his mother would fall, break her hip, and have to go to a nursing home. FIL said "she needs to be in a nursing home." With his contempt for nursing homes, that was a real insult to her. He then ranted about how everyone is concerned for her well being and happiness, no one is concerned about his happiness.

With this change in personality, his shuffling gait, forgetting things that happened recently, he doesn’t need to be in a single family house away from help. He certainly doesn’t need to be driving. He is 87. I so worry about what is going to happen.

The children have unanimously decided that if this is what he is going to do, then he will have to be the one to do it. He will have to get the contractor, and he will have to orchestrate the move. They all decided this is not a safe thing, and they will not contribute to the nonsense. Of course, the one who will suffer the most is MIL. She really needs to stay where she is, or even better go to a real assisted living facility. I just pray there is no incident where we have to intervene as I had to with my dad and V.

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